I must have been feeling rough, after running around and clearing out the store room again with Steve, I mean really sifting through boxes and cupboards, throwing away the rubbish and generally freshening things up, I didn't expect to lay down and fall asleep like that. I only lay for a moment to get my breath, have a neb and then intended to busy myself with some other small tasks, some artwork I wanted to get done and other things. This was about half 1 in the afternoon.
I woke up again about quarter to 5 wondering how long I had been asleep and was wondering about some things. One of which I was sure I dreamed, but alas I hadn't. Halfway through my nap, I had gotten up, coughed up some green muck, blew my nose and then apparently went in to a rant about how crap my bladder was... I honestly thought I had dreamed it, but Steve told me what I had said, before getting up and well answering the call of nature, curling back up and going back to sleep. I don't think I have been this exhausted in a long time, but between fighting this infection, and everything else that happened this last week. It really didn't ever end and when it all came to a head, I was left a little dejected and in that sort of empty, numb calm and didn't really work out how exactly I had been feeling.
I have an amazing skill in pushing everything down. I can smile and laugh, acting completely normal and healthy, while inside I am screaming and in so much pain, feeling so unwell and just wanting it all to end. It is something I was always told to do, no one likes a pity party and sympathy just doesn't really exist, so I had to learn to deal with things my own way. Admittedly my own way often seems destructive and I turn a lot inward. I still haven't come to terms with a lot of the last year, heck a lot of it just hasn't sunk in. I keep asking myself "Is this really the best I can expect from life now?" then start hating myself for even going there. I suppose all I want is to just work this out and not have to be reminded every day when I start struggling for breath after doing things, waking up on the floor because I was so exhausted, a job or 3 half done and feeling so just angry with everything so that I have to take a tablet at night, just to get some kind of sleep.
I guess I don't want people to feel sorry for me, I just want people to understand that at the moment things are just harder than I admit to.
3 years ago