I think sometimes I need to remind myself of what is really going on or I would forget everything and fall down in to my pit of self-pity and depression, which to be honest is one thing that is uncharacteristic of me really. I have always tried my hardest to stay up-beat, which doesn't always mean a gloss over of every emotion, I learned this the hard way really. But when did I ever not do things the hard way?
I think after really opening up and looking objectively at some of my behaviors, I think I allowed myself a bit of clarity of thought and I think that was something I just need sometimes. I just need to rant and say what is really on my mind, rather than painting on a smile and pretending that it doesn't bother me, which it does. If I was honest, I would say it really bugs the hell out of me sometimes. I push people away because I don't want them to feel trapped in to helping me, even though they offer willingly and I am truly TRULY thankful for them for offering, I just know how easy it is to get trapped in to looking after someone and not be able to escape from it. I have been there. Steve has been there. It is a road that is not to be traveled again, or it would destroy those who went there.
I never wanted to destroy anyone's life, or be that catalyst to their own self destruction, if that makes any sense at all. I don't wish for those who are close to me to feel tied down to being this that and the other for me and I certainly don't want to be a burden on society like so many young people these days who don't genuinely try in life. I do try in life, but at the moment it is just catching a break. Sometimes you can, and more often than not, you fall down, but it isn't failure to fall down, but it is if you don't even try getting back up again.
In my life, yes I have seen and been subjected to so many things and have suffered very much because of it. Heck to sink in to self pity and never do anything would be the easy way out. I tried it and all I got was more sadness. So I tried fighting things I couldn't fight, and only got my ass handed to me. Now I am taking the tack of working with myself, those around me and getting the help and support that I need, instead of insisting that I go it alone, which only left me feeling worse about things. It is hard being sick around people, but it is even harder when you keep up a pretense that everything is fine and hunky-dory.
3 years ago