Well this week hasn't exactly gone to my plans, but hey, at least I am here to tell the tale. I wound up with yet ANOTHER of my chest infections. I seem to get them a lot and I am starting to know full well that once certain signs start appearing that I need to be on my guard as it can, and often does, turn from manageable to nasty pretty much at a moment's notice. Such is the life for a brittle asthmatic, but knowing it doesn't always make it easier to take. Some days are better than others and some days, you wonder why it was that you even got up in the morning because even the smallest thing can wear you right out and make you just want to crawl back to bed and stay there.
It's not like I am complaining or that I think I am worse off than anyone else, far from it. I know I don't have it any worse than anyone else, but I am all too painfully aware that I am in a very precarious position and it can be a delicate balance to keep things on an even keel, sometimes you get it right and everything is great, other times you have to admit when things do go horribly wrong and not be afraid to ask for help. Even if getting help scares you because you don't want to feel like a waste of time or resources.
Friday was one such day that things just went a bit awry and I had to go to the doctors. Admittedly I did have to be coerced in to it by Becky, Jace and even Nat, because I honestly didn't see a problem, I thought it was my asthma giving me a hard time. Becky got to the point where she had to ask the others to help pester me, I can be a stubborn one, and then she made sure I went, regardless of if I wanted to or not. I am thankful that she can be more stubborn than I am because my lack of wanting to take an appointment away from someone, who in my eyes, could need it more is often what leads me in to trouble. It turned out that there was something wrong and leaving it would probably be asking for trouble. I'm now on extra pain meds and antibiotics to try and shift this and get things back on track, preferably before it developed in to a full blown pneumonia. Again.
As a result of it all, I have been easily worn out (today I became tired from working on a couple of my sketches and I haven't been able to get some of my illustrations finished. I love my illustration work and I am proud of it, I just wish it was easier on my body sometimes. When I draw, I can escape from myself for a little while. I can just escape from life and see my drawings come to life, almost in the same way that Beatrix Potter did, I sometimes wonder if my sketch actually moved slightly and then I can imagine something to distract me for a while. I don't claim to be as talented as other artists, but what I do, I really am proud of.
While I was in Blackpool with Jace, I got a new sketch book and vowed to spend as much time as possible in drawing the things I love in there. Admittedly it is probably going to be filled with FF7 fan art, but that is what I love to draw it. From sketches of Sephiroth to a guide to breeding yourself a fine, gold chocobo (something we managed to do, on the PSP with Jace and on the PS2 with Becky) so that the whole world map is yours to discover. It has been a huge part of my life for as long as I can remember and it is probably how I managed to get in to manga and anime in the first place. It's an escape from life when I need to just have that time away. Time when I'm not in pain. Time when my breathing is easier and I feel like a normal 25 year old.
It is really good to be back to normality now. I admit the time when Becky was away at her mums for the festive period was a bit alien. You get so used to having someone around and when they aren't here, its just so quiet and strange. I have had time to really get a connection with my little Nero. Hes such a happy hamster and he loves to sit in a hand or explore a blanket that you have over you. A long way away from that frightened little thing that screamed at me angrily because he had been torn up at the roots and dragged to this new home. Even Becky's rat is settling and they are forming their own bond which is nice to see.
2 years ago