I've always been of the latter state of mind and I think it's something I started doing as a child because I was blamed for many things that I didn't do. I started believing that everything bad that happened was because I did something, even when it wasn't really anything to do with me. When one of my friends witnessed and spoke up about some things that were happening at home, I was blamed for telling people when actually, I'd been begging my friend to not tell people what she saw, which probably in retrospect must have been a massive burden on her and now I'm older and able to look back on that, I do understand that they must have been as upset to see what was happening as I was experiencing it.
I think the reasons that I struggled with so many things for so long wasn't me choosing to wallow in the past, but more to do with how I internalised everything that happened to me to the point where I honestly think I believed that I deserved to be mentally tortured by those events and it was all my fault that things happened. I think the torture of reliving things in your mind can actually be more damaging than the event itself. I remember individual moments in my life with such clarity and I have nightmares where I'm right back at that moment, kind of like watching from a 3rd person perspective? Watching my younger self and even though I'm sometimes screaming at her not to go to the certain spot where something happens and watching it over and over again.
Since therapy it's been easier because I've managed to break down some of the things I've had happen and how I coped and survived. Because that's what I always do. I've always managed to find myself a way to escape, give myself some time to regain my composure and face things as they are. It's something that sits in my very core and it's how I've managed to get as far as possible. Even if it was just allowing myself an outlet like screaming in a field or drawing and losing myself to my imagination for a while. If my body was stuck, my mind didn't have to be. Or I'd seek safety in another world and spend my time in the world of fictional characters where I could be who I wanted, do as I pleased and not be bound by my physical limitations.
Another thing we discussed, and this is something I always found confusing until now, was how I did academically. How at Weston Road, I was always in the lower classes and often got poor marks (except in my SATS exams where I managed to surprise practically every one, including myself) but as soon as I moved to Rising Brook in Year 10, after nearly 13 weeks of being out of school after my first mental breakdown, I was suddenly in top classes and achieving grades that given my academic background at Weston Road, no one thought I'd ever get. Maybe it was because at Weston Road, my only goal was to get through another day, another week and spend the weekend with friends and decompressing my mind.
When I started at Rising Brook, it was amazing. I flourished because I didn't feel like I had to focus my attention on keeping safe and I didn't have anything holding me back. I actually started to enjoy school for a while and did really well considering that they didn't even think I'd finish school at Weston Road. I think that was what gave me the drive to do what I needed to and to keep reaching for my goals. It wasn't always easy and there was a point where I was close to giving up because I couldn't escape my own head. I had a lot of counselling and talking therapy.
So the take away here isn't that I'm "cured" or will never feel depressed again but more of my ability to now take what I've learned and to understand better ways of coping which aren't toxic or dangerous. I can't fix things for that little girl but I can give her a future.
Til all are one
Wendy xx
