OK, never sit there saying to yourself that it could always be worse... NEVER EVER EVER.... If this week gets any more annoying then I think I may end up going out there and actually doing something to someone that I would later wish to reconsider. Hense why instead, I am taking to my blog and really starting to let loose.
OK so maybe I was in the wrong for saying something over Facebook about the whole ex-band member (yes I have left the band, we decided it was for the best) and then another person got involved and of course only got not even half of the story, stuck their oar in, before actually going out to find out what was really going on (accusing me of doing just THAT of all things... I will not go in to just how hypocritical that really was, but that annoyed me further) and it resulted in me and Ant having a fully fledged screaming match down the phone.
Now I will say now that I respect Ant, he did admit that he was out of line for saying what he said to me and that he wished I'd open up some more. I have made a promise that opening up will be something I will not forget to do again. Its just hard because I don't like admitting that I have a load of shit in my life right now to myself, how the hell does anyone expect me to admit it to other people, but there you go. I think I just get so angry and hate the fact that I just can't catch a break at the moment and hearing that my health is getting worse and there is now not much that can be done about it in a primary care setting (basically it is my specialist's problem now... yeah... OK...) and yes it has gotten worse, yes I am now at that point where I am not going to get better and things just seem to be nose-diving at the moment. I have to be sedated so that I can sleep or I spend half the night crying, in pain, worrying or just generally not being well. I am constantly exhausted and everything hurts.
I can't go to the shops without getting out of puff and needing medicine. Even having a "number 2" can leave me breathless and wheezy. I have lost weight and not even tried to, but I am often so tired that I cannot eat very much at times. So I rely on what sleep I can get, when I am allowed by the guy next door, the housing officer knocking constantly or just general worries about everything else.
I am TRYING. I really am. I push myself everyday to at least do SOME of the housework, and handling everything for everyone. I do my best. I honestly and truly do. I will even have a nebuliser while hoovering if I have to, and have done in the past. Taking it to the loo with me, or using it in the bath. I know there is a buttload worse out there and I don't ever want people to think I believe I am the worst off in the whole wide world and wah wah wah but I am more unwell than I really let people see. I would LOVE to work. I would LOVE to be able to go on holiday without having to take a whole pharmacy of drugs. I would LOVE it if my handbag just contained my address book, my purse and my mobile phone instead of stuff that a Paramedic would carry.
I JUST WANT NORMALITY!
I WANT TO BE 23 YEARS OLD AGAIN!
I WANT TO BE ABLE TO SLEEP AT NIGHT!
I WANT TO NOT BE IN CONSTANT PAIN!
I WANT MY LIFE BACK.... AND I WANT IT NOW!!!
2 years ago