Unconditional

It is times like these that we realise just what we have in our lives. When you are sick, you feel abandoned and alone, and so isolated and useless to the rest of the world around you. When my guinea pig fell sick, I felt even worse because I was scared I would lose him and scared that this was all my fault. It was in this though that I really found clarification of what I want to do and what I am really here to do. I spent all weekend nursing that poor sickly creature, feeling the life drain from him, then return as I carried on, in spite of fears that he would die. When he managed a syringe and a half of feed (about 8ml) I was so happy I could have cried, but I realised, I am a nurse through and through. It is in my nature to care for someone or something and not give up until they pass away or they are better.

I believe in love that is unconditional. I went to a wedding recently and I heard the most beautiful verse, yes it was religious, but it was so true.

Corinthians 13

4Love is patient and love is kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant 5or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful;^b 6it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. 7Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.

8Love never ends.

Again, I reference this as it is so very true. Love is what makes us come back, even when we are beaten down and unhappy. Love is what makes us angry when the other is being unpleasant as we look for the person we know they can be. Love never takes away without giving something in return, and love never forgets that the other one is always there.

I am one of those people who truly, TRULY believe that everything happens for a reason and we meet the people we do because they are the right ones to be in our lives. I have some amazing friends, most of which I would have never met had I never joined LPU or met Mike. The people in my life are my family and they share all the smiles, all the tears, all the pain and all those moments where you sit there and think "SHIT ME! Did we just do that?!" and all the times where you sit there and laugh because you probably got so drunk you can't even remember how you got there (a glance at Mat who ended up passed out in my bathroom, missing his shirt and phone, a rather large bruise on his hand and a broken toilet seat).

We learn from each other and everything we encounter. We fall down, pick ourselves back up and then move forward to the next stage, remembering all that we learned, good or bad. We remember the good times and probably have a good cry about the sad times as well. I know me and my friend Nathaniel have done a lot together and have always been there for each other, same as myself and Cat or Ant or any other of my closest friends. It is very true that many people walk in and out of our lives, but it is the friends who carried us when we couldn't walk, and we carried them when they couldn't, that really leave a mark on you. A footstep in your heart, as it were.

I want to move forward from all of this, I want to go on and do everything I can, and a few things that I probably thought I couldn't, knowing full well that I have people behind me to catch me if I mess up.

Loves
Wendy xx

Keeping it simple...

Is it me or are the simpler things always the nicest? I think just lately and after such a scary admission on Monday, I really have just taken stock of everything around me and looking at everything from a different angle. Normally by this stage of the week, I would frankly be really bored and grousing for something to do with my time. These last few days, I just took to relaxing to music, rediscovering bands and songs that I like, and I mean REALLY like. I think we take small things for granted as we forget that they are only there because we work for them.

I am still carrying my I Pod round with me, rather like a small child with a teddy bear, and every chance I get, I just seem to be either listening to my music or playing on the PSP. OK its been mainly on the X box as well just lately, but where I am on FF XIII you really have to grind the levels to get anywhere, which can get tedious and frustrating. I mean, I have walked around the same environments and beaten up the same monsters for the umpteenth time in the last few days, but as soon as my levels are maxed out completely and the weapons and accessories can't upgrade further, I will then look at fighting the rather ominous looking boss that seems to be looming at the end of the road.

I think that just lately, I have just been blowing off steam and venting my frustrations over everything. Waiting for something to happen. Unfortunately, I can,t keep waiting as I know in myself that there really isn't that much that can be done for me at the moment. Unless of course it is found that my sputum samples do grow something, and then they will treat for mild Bronchiectasis which would entail all kinds of prophylactic antibiotics and physio to help me clear my chest a bit more effectively. I have to email my consultant's secretary soon and make an appointment. I emailed him yesterday and told him everything that had been going on these last few weeks and he wants to see me, catch up and get everything back on track, I am on 40mg of Pred today and its getting on my nerves, but I have had this rant many times before.

Today, I managed to get out for a bit, Ant was off to Evesham for a spot of job hunting, and asked if I would like to go with him. I jumped at the chance to get out of here for a little bit, have some time for myself and get some space. At times being stuck at home when there really isn't an awful lot anyone can do about it can get more irritating than anything else. I think after a while the walls start to close in around you and all you really want is to just get out and escape for a little while. I do admit there are times I do miss my independence, where as before I used to come and go as I pleased and only had to worry about going to work, but I also realise that I can all to easily fall in to dispair and that wouldn't help anyone really.

Enough of my ramblings really, I hope you are all keeping well.

Loves
Wendy xx 

Merry Christmas!

A short post for today, but I just wanted to wish everyone a very Merry Christmas and a happy, healthy and successful new year to come. It's been a better year this year and I have really learned the value of my friends and by extension and definition, my wonderful family who have been there to support me and give me strength. You are all awesome and I hope to see more of you in the next 12 months.

I also want to give thanks to everyone who has helped me overcome and learn to live with my condition, you have all given me a light at the end of the tunnel when I really believed all hope was gone. As well as my band-mates, Ant, Rich and Twitch who have boosted my confidence and made me no longer afraid to come out of my own home for fear of anything.

I am thankful for Penny and Becky who have been there to support me and advise when I felt scared or alone.

And lastly, I am thankful to Cat, Stacey, Nathaniel and JP, who have always been there for me with a smile and just a general chat.

Loves
Wendy x

I need more DVD storage...

I have WAY too many DVD's these days. The weird thing is, I actually spend most of my time watching them and relaxing. It's a way of occupying myself and helping to distract me from the things that concern me. Or escaping when I'm in pain. I spend a lot of time in pain these days, but I think it's keeping it all in perspective that helps me stay grounded. Makes me think though, about what my favourite films are and why.

I guess the earliest film I loved was "Little Shop of Horrors". I used to watch that way back when I was a little tot. Singing along to all the songs and loving the character of Audrye. A funny memory of this was when I was about 4 or 5, I cant remember exactly, but I had this curiosity involving the flap of our video player. I used to like ejecting videos and trying to stick my finger in and pull it out again. Don't ask me why, I was a strange little kid really. I will admit this right now, but I digress, one day this backfired and I got my finger trapped in the player. That really hurt and I did what a little kid does and screamed my head off. I can't remember what happened next but I know my nail did come off after a few days.

As I got older, I used to like watching films with my older brothers. I was the only girl and I often felt left out because of this, but I used to like watching "Transformers The Movie" with my oldest brother, Richard. Yes it  was cheaply animated and cheesy as hell, but it holds some very fond memories and the fact that Stan Bush's "You've Got The Touch" still makes me grin like a mad woman has to stand for something.

In the late 1990's, I would say either '95 or '96, I fell in love with a Disney film, "The Lion King" and I remember my favourite character was Scar, around this time, I started talking to an imaginary friend, who was a lion called Scar and my usual companions in the car would have been "Biker Mice From Mars" another cartoon that I have rediscovered from my youth. I got a Vinnie and his bike for my birthday when I was 7. I remember this because my mum and nan had both brought me these. Instead, my nan gave me a Gymnast Barbie. I got the rest of the "Biker Mice" and their respective bikes that Christmas. I found a toy of Scar in the Disney Store in the Florida Mall and I had to have him!

My final favourite film that I feel is worth a mention would be "Final Fantasy VII : Advent Children". As I have said before, FFVII has been a part of my life for many years, but in 2005 when the feature length film came out, I was hooked and in love. Seeing the new 2009 cut recently, this is going to be a favourite for many years to come.

Having got all the films I love recently on DVD, I had some of them, now I have them ALL, it really got me thinking about how watching things that we used to enjoy as a child really brings back those warm, happy memories. I think this is important, especially when you have few happy childhood memories or when you have a very uncomfortable present and you just need to distract yourself. Plus taking part in a protest on Facebook for the NSPCC (changing profile pics to cartoon characters) really made me think about this and about the way certain things and films make us feel and it is a reflective thing really. Instead of my general ranting just lately, I guess this week has been very frustrating and my home environment wasn't a healing one, but C'est La Vie.

Loves
Wendy x

I could never get the hang of Wednesdays....

Is it me or does each day have it's own specific feeling? Monday is the beginning of the week, we're all gearing up for the week ahead. Tuesday has the restless feeling of busying away, and Wednesday always feels a bit flat and people feel apathetic.

On a plus side, after 2 hours of calling about 3 different numbers and arguing with so many different parts of the DWP (first we were worried we would need a crisis loan, THEN I had to call Worcester Benefit Delivery Centre,  told to call back in an couple hours while they sorted it out, Steve had to call RE: JSA can't pay him anymore, but he still has to sign on, even though his money comes from my ESA (joint claim or something) THEN I had to call another number, explain everything for the 18th time in the last week) in order to get my ESA money sorted so we could make rent and do this important thing, like eating for the next week. Money was in. We were happy about that.

Then again, last night wasn't that easy. I was so upset because I thought that maybe me and Steve weren't working any more. After a talk with Vicky, Stacey and Nat, I had a good heart to heart with Steve and I am happy to say it strengthened us. It gave me an outlet and I cried for the first time in months, I actually had a good cry, and it made me feel 100% better about how I felt. About coming to terms with my illnesses and what that meant to me. I am stubborn about everything.

I suppose I was fighting against everything as I never wanted to admit how ill I was or how hard life had become for me. I kept on trying to live as I was before all of this. I never realised how much I was putting on myself and it was so foolish, and so very stubborn. Most importantly I was WRONG and I am sorry for all the times I have scared the people I love the most.  

So we had to go shopping for our food and other stuff for the next 2 weeks. I hope this isn't going to happen every 2 weeks or I might go a bit potty. Or more potty. None of this has helped my lungs and they really had a strop after brushing my hair (!) and I wheezed my way back to my nebuliser. 5mg of Ventolin and 500mcg of Atrovent and I was ready to go out.

Have started some vitamin and mineral supplements to help my immune system and joints through the winter so hopefully I will not be swearing every time I go up and down stairs. My knees are very sore and stiff because of the large amounts of steroids I use to keep going. Not pleasant! The phrase "the price we pay for the games we play" springs to mind here.

Love Ya
Wendy x

Letters from a friend

Today I went to the cinema with JP, someone I have not known all that long but already he is a part of my extended family. He is a sweet kid and like me also suffers with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder and like me has a passion for music and the arts.

He needed help to write some songs so I lent him my diary from the last year. In this notebook, I used to write down some of my deepest and most personal thoughts, about myself, living with my illnesses and the people around me. Even about the times I did things to myself that were horrific from slashing myself open with a knife, to overdosing on painkillers and anti-psychotics (that resulted in one long night and a day in hospital, which I don't remember, but I remember that Steve was terrified). He wrote a letter in the back of it and it really made me smile and brought a happy tear to my eye. I wanted to share it with you, as it really was poignant.

"Dear Wendy,


Reading this diary has shown me so much about you, and the fact that not only were you happy for me to read it, but actually borrow it brings a smile to my face.
   Admittedly, I haven't known you for very long, but hey! You don't have to know someone for YONKS to know know they are a decent person.
   You have seemingly been through so much in your short life, yet through it all you are still here and I am glad you are!


This diary is inspiring. YOU ARE INSPIRING!


I hope very much to remain friends with you and Ste. If you ever need anything, let me know.


Anyways, I'm rambling a bit, so I'll wrap up now. Thanks for letting me read this.


Peace and Love
Good Ol' JP"

It gave me such a warm feeling to read this, along with other kind words said to me about my blog, my diaries and other ways I have expressed myself. I want to take the chance now to thank you all for finding something in my words and I hope you enjoy my writings for years to come.

Love you all so very much
Wendy x

I can't wait for you to shut me up...

Living with a lung disease can be very tiresome at times indeed, but I never was one to stop and do nothing because of it. Heck, I always believed in living my life and doing whatever I wanted in spite of my problems, more proof that, as a friend of mine says, Life is what you make it.

Today was a good day. A friend of mine introduced me to a guy called Josh. Josh is young, vibrant and has a fiery passion for music and the arts. Something I can relate to very well. He came with his guitar, amp, pedal and other equipment. We had a good guitar session, I even tried singing (although I confess, I am a little rusty as I haven't sung for quiet some time). It was great fun. Until about 3 when my lungs decided that they really REALLY didn't want to play anymore and they did, as asthmatic lungs do, begin to tighten and become wheezy and breathing became difficult and painful. It took me about 2 nebs again to calm it down and get things back under my control.

It left me tired and weak unfortunately, as those of us who live with asthma know it can. So I decided to recount my thoughts for today and how I was feeling about things. Interestingly it seemed like the right time to do this, as I had merged and coloured 2 separate pieces of work and making them in to one image. I'd never tried this before and it actually worked out well, the 2 images solo didn't fill the page, so the 2 put together made the picture complete.

I guess today's lesson is to push back when your body wants to rebel, its not a bad thing to challenge whatever is going on inside you, just as long as your sensible obviously.

Carpe Diem!

Wendy x