For life's little ups and downs.
I started this blog to tell my story, about who I am and what I do. On top of the health problems and raising awareness for those, I also use my blog as a way to help promote other causes, particularly ones which affect the most vulnerable. I live with a number of different and complex health problems but I refuse to let anything get me down. I know how it feels to be discriminated against or thrown aside. This is me. This is my life. I live it and do what I want with it. Nature sets the limitations. We set the boundaries.
I'll flap my broken wings and erase it all someday... You'll see.
Saturday, 12 August 2017
I have Bi-Polar Disorder.
I have Obsessive Compulsive Disorder.
I have Borderline Personality Disorder and Schitzophrenia.
I have borderline Aspergers.
I have attempted suicide more times than I can say.
I do struggle with my urges to harm myself.
My body covered with scars.
I have accomplished a lot of things.
I have always managed to regain control of myself before it's too late.
I have wonderful friends and family as well as my fur-babies.
I have a boyfriend who loves me despite the things I have wrong.
I have my own little place.
I have always been me. I will always be Wendy.
With all the things around suicide (particularly the death of Chester Bennington, still can't believe that) and people actually embracing the fact that they have fought that mental battle. The way it can make you fight to just find a reason to keep moving. There are times when you want to just do it, despite the fact that it would only cause your family to suffer. People say that those who do take their lives are "selfish" but try and see it from their side of the fence. When you get to the point where all you want to do is close your eyes and just not -be- anymore it's hard to get past that. It's almost impossible to get that out of that place. It can be extremely overwhelming and it can be terrifying.
Reaching out when you feel that way is hard and because of other people's attitudes it can be embarrassing. The worst thing is when you are at the point of falling apart and you have to try and tell someone for them to either not care, not understand or just offer an old cliche response. People have asked me "why do you feel this way?" and I just looked at them. The weird thing is that sometimes I will explain it, sometimes though, I just can't. I can't explain why I feel hopeless and like giving up when I can't even understand it fully myself. I find it even worse when I feel like I have to justify myself and how I feel and it can be so insulting when someone almost expects me to explain myself. I feel like saying things like "can I not just feel the way I feel?" or "Why should I explain my reasons? Why can't it just -be- what it is?"
I remember my first real "breakdown". I was about 14 and I had had 3 years of verbal, physical and even sexual abuse in school (including one of the bullies trying to get me to pleasure him sexually in the bus parking area otherwise I was going to get beaten up) and the teachers of the school weren't doing anything other than trying to blame me for everything. I'd started getting in to trouble just so that someone would even notice I was stressed, leading to being branded a "problem child", I remember I was getting ready for school, I was dressed, ready to go until I was about to go. I just calmly sat on the stairs. At first my Mum responded, like most would, with firmly trying to tell me to go and get my bus, then, understandably she got angry, then when I finally told her why I was not going anywhere from where I was, she phoned the school authority and thats when it all came out. I did go back for a couple of weeks afterwards, I was told to write everything done to me down but when even the teachers seemed to have it in for me, I couldn't do it. Imagine the shock my Mum had when she came home to find me sat behind the sofa with a kitchen knife. 3 weeks later I was taken out of school. I never ever went back to that place. They did try and get us in trouble but the Education Authority were amazing, they backed us and got me accepted in to another school which was nearer to my home.
The fact is, mental health is real. It isn't a joke and it isn't a shameful thing. It can damage every aspect of your life and because people can't always see it, or you don't fit the picture, it is often treated as though it isn't there or genuine. If someone does try and say "OK so my mental health is being an issue", please don't shun them. Please help them. Please tell them that they aren't alone. Please make them feel loved, and if you're the one whose suffering, please don't give up. Please reach out.
If I hadn't when I did, I don't know where I would be now.
Thursday, 3 August 2017
Today its just been a bit of a struggle to keep myself at a relatively safe level and not have to neb every so often, usually though, when I am having to do it more than hourly, we know I am running in to real danger. At the moment though, we seem to be averaging out to 2 hours. Usually a neb should last me for 4 hours but unfortunately, no one seems to have told my asthma that. Its pretty frustrating sometimes because I feel so restricted on what my body will allow me to do yet there are so many things out there that I am itching to work on or get done. I get really angry with myself sometimes because there used to be times when I could do this stuff and more and not break a sweat. I have to remind myself that I didn't ask for this. It didn't happen to me because I did something wrong. It just is.
Jace and I have been watching more Yu-Gi-Oh recently (we finished the original series, all 5 seasons, as well as GX and have watched the first season of 5Ds) and have been inspired to build new character decks and cosplays. We won't reveal too much just yet but when the time comes, but lets say this, it will be pretty cool! I have been busy experimenting again with Cyber Dragons (I love those things!) and currently have some new strategies and combos that I can't wait to try out and play with.Of course, building the deck has been the easy part, learning to use it at it's best is the challenge and probably the most fun part. With the Cyber Dragons, its all about getting the groundwork put in, then it's pretty easy from there. Once you have the right cards in place of course then things just kind of, well, happen.
I suppose that I look to things like games, sewing and other things to help me to work through the troubling side of life. It's just my way of coping really and it has worked so far. I try and think that every day that I manage to finish without incident is a day where I have won the battle.
Thursday, 20 July 2017
Today, one of my favourite singers from probably my all time most beloved band died. If you knew me growing up (well, in my teenage years) you would have remembered my deep adoration for Linkin Park. Their music helped to shape me from what I was back then to who I am now, even being a catalyst to me ending up here in Redditch after leaving my hometown (twice). The story about that lies in my membership to LPU and meeting my first boyfriend Mike, although that never worked out how we thought it would, for 2 kids, we did OK. I celebrated the start my adulthood with them (seeing Linkin Park live with my Mum, one of my most cherished memories) Chester Bennington was a huge part of how I, and millions of others who were in the same boat, managed to get there and his influence and legacy will live on through the hearts and minds of those who will remember him.
And the best way we can show that is through solidarity in mental health and by choosing to live on. Choosing to never give up. Listening to Meteora now, it's like the lyrics hit a deeper meaning to your subconscious. Maybe the saddest thing is that the depth of someone's depression, not just the sadness but the anger, frustration, loneliness (when you're in a crowd, it's still possible to feel totally alone) and isolation. Maybe it's true when they say that an artist's message is deeper when they're no longer around.
Chester was a deeply tormented man. He had overcome more things before his 20's than most people overcome in their entire lifetime. When I first found Linkin Park, I was only about 13. I didn't really like the screaming at first but over time, I came to love it and would find it comforting and moving. Like someone was saying "it's OK, you'll make it out of here and when you do, you'll be a stronger person for it."
There's something inside me that pulls beneath the surface...
I didn't really understand back then what that was. Depression is like that, it kind of swells under your skin, deep in your heart and mind. It writhes and grows. We try and hide it but eventually the cracks start to show and the pieces fall away until you see yourself looking at your own reflection and you have to face that is where you are. It's sobering. It's frightening. And it's hard to take it, stand up once again and realise that you aren't going through it alone.
It's crushing to hear that Chester is gone but I'm not sad, I'm just thankful that for nearly 20 years, the music he and the others made served as guidance, support and a reminder that no matter what, there was nothing you couldn't achieve as long as you turned your strength to it.
Thank you Chester. I hope that now you are able to find the peace you were fighting most of your life for.
Thursday, 1 June 2017
Sometimes you even need oxygen at home to help you cope with day to day life which can add an extra level of complexity, going out you have to check that you have enough oxygen in your cylinder for the time you will be out for, tubing (don't even get me started) and making sure that everything is set up properly. Asthma to me has been a difficult thing to work out but somehow I've managed it and through conscious effort and thought, I've not allowed myself to be a victim of circumstances, instead I have chosen to thrive, although there are still things that do throw me for a loop but that is OK too. At the end of the month, I am starting with CPAP to help with my night symptoms and desaturation, I feel a bit uneasy about it still, I mean it is still a huge thing to get my head around and its not surprising that I am a bit worried about how this is going to work.
So, here's to a month of good stuff!
Wednesday, 31 May 2017
Tuesday, 23 May 2017
Tuesday, 18 April 2017
My Mum and her Partner Dave brought this little one to me just after Christmas last year after we lost our Kaiba-mop and we had to spend time introducing him properly to Yugi and he's definitely put some weight on and is growing up well. Its only a shame that his ears will never grow out and he will always have a slightly shocked expression. He was a bit skittish at first but when I first held him, he just settled and nuzzled in to me.
I have to say that I have always liked the idea of patchwork quilts. So I am making myself one. I've got some gorgeous soft pink fleece to line the inside of it as well as ideas for some special patches that reflect life and everything that makes me tick. And butterflies. Such beautiful and amazing little creatures, the way they flutter after spending time hidden away as they develop from a caterpillar and then emerge in spectacular colour. I also love the way they feature in cultures from all around the world. One of the most beautiful in my opinion is the idea the Native American legend that if you tell a butterfly your deepest wish, they will carry it high up in to the heavens and have it granted for you. I love that.
Also today, I had a wonderful email from Healthline that once more my blog has made it in to their top asthma blogs for 2017. This always makes me feel proud because I started this when I was in such a different place emotionally (and physically) and its my readers and supporters who have kept this going for me. So THANK YOU! to everyone who reads this and everyone who follows and finds something that helps them in their own journey. Also, you should check out the other blogs too, its nice to read other people's insights in to their lives and their emotional strength is something to admire
So, that's enough from me for now hopefully things over the next few days will be a bit more positive.