A New Week...

A new week begins and a with it a whole new set of challenges and things to do, things to organise and things to think about. Its nice to have gone a week without being taken to the hospital (something that for me is a big win, even if it sounds like only a small one to others) and another week where I have enjoyed being part of a household where there are two of us. I love having the company around and having a reason to smile. When we need each other we are there and when I am tired or frustrated I know someone has my back.

Do I ever feel like just packing it in and giving up? I would be lying to myself and to you, my readers if I said no, I don't ever feel like that. The thing is that if I ever let that feeling get to me too much then what would I be left with other than an emptiness. There would be little to no point in carrying on with demanding medical treatments and doing my best to stay alive. Maybe I have shaken my world up a lot and realised that when Dexter Holland of the Offspring was writing the song "All I Want" he really was on to something when he said "I'm sick of not living to stay alive" and that line has been really speaking out to me.

How easy is it to let my disability take over and say "I can't because of X Y and Z" and not doing anything because I am too afraid of it. I mean when I was pottering around my garden (I do it little by little) I wasn't thinking "No... I can't" I was just smiling and saying "Yeah... I will try at least". It took 3 nebs and it took me being seriously exhausted afterwards, but I cleared and weeded the path of the garden. Its not the biggest thing to do with my day, but you know something, I sat on the path and smiled as I thought "I did that", shortly before going inside, starting the nebuliser and then sitting there trying my hardest to breathe in. It could have ended so easily with me in the back of an ambulance, but I knew how not to push myself. Knowing ones own limitations is as big a part of being disabled as actually having an illness to begin with. I know this was probably something that someone could do in minutes and it did take me a long time, but I was so proud of myself. I did that.

Its astounding that thanks to Natty, the jungle that was my garden is now starting to lose its weed and rubbish bed, When the autumn comes and we can re-seed the lawn, the real fruits of our labour will show. Next summer that bed of earth with its balding lawn that you see here, will be a lush lawn, well groomed and theres going to be a path running from the gate to the main path, made of stones. Tubs of flowers and other plants. A place where the two of us can socialise and those adorable little chaps we have in the cages will have a place to popcorn and play. We had them out in the garden today and poor Gizzy and Kadaj must have wondered where they were as they hadn't been out properly in a while. The babies were having a field day and they couldn't stop popcorning with joy. It really did warm my heart. Made everything of the last few years actually mean something. I had achieved everything I wanted to by now,.

The garden will take a while, what with my limitations and other reasons, but you know what, it will be a labour of love, between friends and extended family!

Loves
Wendy xx

Fun Times and Gardening...

Well our adventures in the garden are starting to finally bear some kind of result. Between Becky, Nat and myself we have managed to get rid of the weeds (Nat did this for me yesterday, it only took about 3-4 hours and he cleared the lot!) and a lot of the junk that had built up in my garden over the last few years (some mine, some other tenants and other people just dumping their rubbish where they see fit) and it actually began to show that people have been working on the garden. This is good for me really as it has been a boost to my personal confidence as well as my pride in my home.

Its weird to think that just a week ago the garden was a complete stye. With foam and mouldy things in there, dandelion plants that were so advanced they were practically bushes as well as other, more unusual looking weeds which we had no idea what they were or why they were even there. The next thing I aim to do is get up all the crab-grass which is dying or even dead and get some grass seed. Plant some fresh, new grass and when the next spring comes enjoy my new fresh lawn (sadly this can only be achieved over the autumn, but that is OK, I can use the time between then and now to clear whats left of the weeds and prepare the soil for the next stage) and the new flowers we are growing to add colour.

We have affectionately dubbed the project as the "ADIM Garden" as the 3 members on the team (a pet project of my own creation) are all working together to create a place that Angeal Hewley (from Crisis Core and a character who is known for his keen gardening skills) would be proud of! As well as giving us a place to relax and enjoy ourselves with the guinea pigs as well (we intend to get a run for the guinea pigs so that they can frolic and play together without fear of cats/dogs and other people disturbing them) as the weather gets warmer and the summer comes in. It is the intention that this year we make the most of the summer months and I am not going to spend this year hidden away from people. That and Becky is probably getting sick of me looking so pale and sickly!

So far this year has been full of some really fantastic changes. Some were welcome and easy. Others were hard and, at times it has to be said, frustrating, but it has all been worth it. Life is a lot more what I want it to be and its great to have a roommate who understands me as a person. I am a happy person. I have a new love in my life and he means the world to me as well as the wonderful friends who have made my home a place of just laughter and pleasure. I love these people and they will always be a part of me as I am a part of them.

I leave you now with a photo of Becky and Nat after clearing the garden of weeds and rubbish. I am fond of this picture I must say! Its a moment when we all felt like laughing because we had cleared it and it actually LOOKS like a garden these days!

Loves
Wendy xx

A Refreshing Change...

This weekend was a bit of a change of pace for both Becky and myself. We had an old friend of mine, George who worked for 6 months with disabled children in Uganda, and spent an afternoon talking about life, the universe and everything. It was so refreshing to spend an afternoon with a glass of wine, good friends and a generally happy atmosphere. I will admit at chez Wendy and Becky, the atmosphere is generally one of mirth and that generally happy feeling. Its been so much of a positive change of pace from little more than a year ago.

In myself I am a more cheerful individual and I have lost so much weight. Admittedly at 14 stone was not a weight I ever wish to be again and it did have a negative impact on both my health and my confidence. But losing the weight was worthwhile, even if it didn't improve my asthma that much, but then again living with Type 1 Brittle Asthma with infectious phenotype (prone to recurrent infections which have left my lungs weak and full of scarring and inflammation) and about 1/2 my lungs actually working then its no wonder that some days that I can feel a bit frazzled.

Not that I complain though, I do understand that even though my condition is hard going, there are some people out there who are going through a lot worse. I guess the trick is perspective. Being ill is NOT a contest, but there are a minority of people who think that being more ill is the biggest goal in all of this, rather than looking for proactive ways to improve their own quality of life and make it so that their illness doesn't them as much as possible. Again, I do not say that this is easy, once you get in to a rut, it is difficult to get back out of it, but you should still try.

I like to spend my days amusing myself with simple pleasures. Music, art, writing and film. Regardless of what is wrong with me, I am still the Wendy Jayne Bostock I have always been. I had to find and bring that person back to where she should have been. I am glad that back when I was at my lowest point, no one was around much. My friends would have barely known me, but it is them who helped me dig myself up, dust myself down and say "right, lets go!". People's support wasn't the exact reason I got myself out of the rut, it was more about me realising that I was worth more than I was allowing myself to be. Or what other people wanted me to be.

I hated who I was and what I was slowly becoming. I was overweight, miserable and sometimes I wondered how much of an influence that had on my body and my moods. My confidence was shot, I didn't sing, I didn't draw. I did none of the things that were the most characteristic of me. It was like I wasn't actually Wendy Bostock anymore, but the cowardly and nervous Wendy Fullard who was bullied and angry with the world. When I changed my name, I hoped that person would have disappeared along with the past that I was carrying around my ankles as a kind of shackles. I will admit it was vile having to read about things that if I would have wanted to see them publicised like that, then I would have done it myself, but I realised something else. I won't let my past define me or be used as a method of control ever again. Yes things happened. Yes they sucked. But that is the PAST. The past is something that cannot be changed, but it doesn't have to have a constant bearing on your life now. I am not ashamed of anything that happened to me. I don't regret anything. The good, the bad, everything made me strong enough to carry on.

I also worked out that to quit, let myself die, that would be such a waste. Even more so if I allowed someone to bully me in to silence with underhanded tactics would be the complete opposite of who I am and what I stand for. When I had near enough a whole school doing what they did, not to mention the events at home, I never lay down and let myself die like that. I just tried to keep my head down, reminding myself that this is just a period in my life. Much like the problems I have had with my health and having my personal things published like that. By not rising to it and taking the high ground, carrying on and knowing that the people who matter know me for who I am and they won't let anything change that.

Loves
Wendy xx

Yard Work...

People who know me will agree when I say that I am not a gardener. I have never been green fingered and to be honest thats never bothered me. I was always something of an "Indoor Girl", either dedicating time to art or music. I'm working on some canvas paintings as well as some paintings on the actual walls of our flat. Its a fun and relaxing hobby, but unfortunately the neighbors didn't share my lack of enthusiasm towards gardening. So I met with the local council and environmental officer and asked them to help me clean up the garden so that it will be easier for Becky and I to maintain, but there has been one condition, which I feel is fair. I need to clear the rubbish (namely the build-up of foam from an old sofa, long story short) and then the help is there.

It is my aim now to have the garden cleared and usable so we can sit in there over the summer, maybe with a glass of wine or something nice. Last year I was so overwhelmed by the state of my garden and I think it was near impossible for me to tackle it by myself. My biggest regret really was having to dump the old sofa in there, but at the time there really was little more that I could do. Not helped that by the end of that month I shattered my arm and couldn't move it until recently.

Becky and I work together, we're planning some Final Fantasy themed works in the house and the work of sorting the garden out. I was tired afterwards but I smiled after shifting 3 bags of this foul smelling stuff and clearing the garden path. Its been over a year since that path has been clear. Stagnant water had gathered in some places and the smell was indescribable. But I did it and I felt so proud of myself afterwards. I think it was because I had the get up and go to just get on with it. Now it's not just me here by myself theres a lot more of a reason to do things and I feel great afterwards. As my projects progress, I intend to update my readers on my progress on those. Instead of words, I think I want to update with pictures and photos of what I have been up to. This photograph was taken after I'd shifted the 3 bags of smelly gunge and after who knows how long the garden path was finally clear. What I need to do now is get a hose and a yard brush, then I can scrub down the concrete. It should look nice, and when the lawn is cleared, re-seeded in places and mowed, it will look meticulous and will complement the rest of my home.

I'm happy here and I want to make my home reflect that. Yes its not exactly glamorous, I mean a flat in an estate that looks remarkably like Highfields in Stafford is hardly the place of celebrities, but its a home. Its filled with happy moments, hilarious conversations and going to bed, not fearful of the next day, but laughing so much that you feel like you may burst at the seams! It is so much fun when you live with friends, rather than people you have been intimately involved with. I mean when we're here together we can end up making each other laugh. I missed it. I missed the sound, the feeling and that freedom to just be myself.

I think spending time by myself was good for me. Ever since I was 16, I have been in relationships. The longest time I spent by myself was about 6 weeks and in some ways, I think I needed some time to reconnect with who I am now, rather than shrinking back in to that scared and vulnerable 16 year old who was suddenly a lot older, had more responsibilities and more other things to look at and look forward to. I have grown up in myself and I have let myself let go of the past and say "Yeah OK so that was dumb, but tomorrow is another day" and that is what sets me apart from others. That inner strength and maturity to just move on with life rather than dwelling and wallowing in the past and self pity. You can either sit there and play the victim, or you get up, make your life what you want it to be and grow emotionally. That is what I reminded myself every day when I was feeling sorry for myself, I just decided to take control of my life and move forwards.

Loves
Wendy xx

An Art Project...

As a new way of amusing myself, I decided to give myself a new project. This new project will tie in to my beloved "Another Day In Midgar" project which is ongoing, but its a way of looking at something different to the ever popular human characters. I am looking at the monsters, summons and various other weird and wonderful creatures that populate the world and are often around and interact with other characters. I am particularly interested in the boss battle creatures such as "Lost Number" a kind of creature made of 2 creatures that you have to fight, "Helletic Hojo" a character's 'demi god' form, and of course the majestic yet amazing Sephiroth forms that I sketched recently.

The Sephiroth forms (Bizzaro/Safer) are being painted on canvas ready to display in the bedroom. These canvases are going to be colourful and a brilliant expression of just how much these creatures stayed with me. I started my delving in to the realms of Final Fantasy back when I was 10. Frankly I still love it today and I honestly think that had it not been for that world to escape, there wouldn't be a Wendy standing before you. To be able to dedicate time and energy (as well as art supplies) to a project this big and this impressive is nothing more than wonderful.

Its weird how I combine a love of the games and a longstanding adoration to the arts. I also have several fanfiction projects as well as my other illustration works. I love illustration and how it can really bring a world to life. Right now my biggest influences are Tetsuya Nomura (famous for his work on the Final Fantasy series) Hiromu Arakawa  (who wrote Full Metal Alchemist) and Masashi Kishimoto (the man behind the Naruto manga and TV series). They're all obviously Japanese artists, but I have always had an interest with Japanese art (even as a school girl who adored the Linkin Park artwork created by Mike Shinoda who is half Japanese and Joe Hahn who is Korean) and its nice to revisit that again.

I have also become renewed with my love of music as well as writing and drawing, but I will fill you in later on that one.

Loves
Wendy xx

I Walk Beside You...

Over the last year I can safely say that it is the bonds I have had with other people that have kept me from losing my rad or sinking in to some kind of pool of despair. I have many acquaintances, but a handful of close friends and a small family. We all support each other and we learn from each other as well. Its nice to have good, honest people around me. My friends and family mean a lot to me and even though we have all come together in an unconventional way.

Since having Becky move in, its been nice to have another person around, someone to encourage me to ditch some habits that are frankly awful for a young lady to have. The worst habit I need to conquer is the urge to chew my nails and fingers to death. It leaves my hands really sore and I have gone down to the point where my hands are bleeding. It's something I started doing when I was really young. I got bullied a lot in school and as a result I have a nervous disposition. In times where I become tense or nervous about something, I tend to chew my fingers to death.

I'm conquering a lot of things, often by asking for others to help and advise. The other bad habits I am conquering is stammering (something that has started in recent years), swearing, constantly asking permission to do things in my own home (I have had to stop asking if it's OK that I have a neb rather than just doing it because I need to) and shaking when out and about from nerves. A lot of my bad habits are nervous ones that have developed from being around domineering people, something that I have made a point to get away from. Because of the people who support me and helped me realise that I am not as weak as I was led to believe.

I have never once said that I am perfect and that I have never done wrong. That would be naive and frankly arrogant. I am neither. I am human, by definition I am flawed by design. I just refused a long time ago to carry on the conflicts and making sure that I blogged about more interesting things. I damaged my physical and mental health by trying so hard to be what everyone else perceived as perfect. I forgot about what was important. I lost myself in some ways and needed to rediscover that person again and you know what? I like that person and I think I missed her when she went away and got lost among everything else. I forgot sometimes about the things that have got me to that place. Things like my indomitable spirit, that smile that can light up a room and the courage to say "Yeah that sucked, but lets see what else is happening". Thats who I always was and now its who I always want to be.

A recent purge of old poorly fitting clothes (most either WAY too big or WAY too small) has made me curious about buying some new clothes. Particularly band t-shirts and other shirts that really sum me up in 1 or 2 cleverly printed ways. The real Wendy is a very bright and colourful character who loves nice clothes and taking time on her appearance. Being single for a while helped me get back to that person and get to know her. That person is a bright, energetic and vivacious young girl, eyes sparkling with potential and always knowing how to get to where she needed to be. I never want to let go of that person again.

Loves
Wendy xx

Embrace Your Dreams...

I know it probably sounds really cliche, but that recurring theme within Crisis Core is something that I really hold dear. The chance to actually realise and follow a dream that has been with me since I was younger makes the things I went through to get here actually seem a bit more worthwhile. I have several dreams and I hope to make them all a reality. I won't let anyone, or anything for that matter, take them away from me. I want to have at least done some of the things on my "bucket" list by the time I am 30. I have only a few things on my list but they're all things that mean something to me.

1. Do a piercing training course:

This dream has been there ever since I was a really young kid. I always found body modification to be a beautiful way of expressing the inner person and everything to do with them. To finally get the chance, both physically and financially, to do this has come at such a good time. I am emotionally ready for the opportunity too so its going to be a fun few days.

2. Live and Work in a foreign country:

I would love to work in another country, exploring a new culture and a new language. One thing I was looking at was doing a year placement in Japan (I have always wanted to visit Japan) and if I could get my asthma stable for at least 6 months (I never said it would be that simple) then I would definitely pursue that.

3. Get my media degree:

This one is important to me for a few reasons. I struggled so much with my HND because of my worsening health and the domestic situation. That had left me feeling a bit dejected and depressed as I had worked so so hard on this and I wanted it so badly. I wanted it so much that it just didn't come to pass. I must have cried for weeks afterwards, but I am going to try again with help from the OU.

These are 3 dreams.They are a little hard to do, but its as another character from the same game said "Unattainable dreams are the best kind." Admittedly I don't have impossible ambitions that there is no way I can get, but things that I know I can do and achieve, but only I can put the work in. Only I can make these things happen. And only I am responsible for the outcomes. I am fed up with people blaming others for their lives and I am actually at that point where I hold my hand up, say "yeah I know I screwed up with some things" and have the courage to make the best of what is left. It's too easy to give up. Its even easier to hide behind excuses.

Since living with another person, I have had to come out of my shell quite a lot. It means that I haven't been able to hide away from other people and I have enjoyed the fact that I have been encouraged to become a bright and outgoing young woman again, not just everyone's favourite little doormat. I'm becoming more gutsy and more ready to go and do just what I please. Even if that is playing on a game or taking the piss when playing Rockband. Thats me. Thats what I like to do. Taking things too seriously only made me gloomy, so having fun and laughing about things has definitely made an impact on Becky and myself.

She really made the last trip to hospital entertaining. Admittedly we ended up laughing with the doctor, about rubber gloves of all things! The doctor was lovely and she helped me get back on the way to being a bit more comfortable and less troubled by my asthma. My asthma can be a right pain but I refuse to let it define me. I also refuse to let it stop me.

Loves
Wendy xx