I can't believe how much better things are for me here in my new home. Its so quiet and secluded so I don't get any noisy people around (even with a pub over the road) which has made such a positive impact on my mental health. I never realised before (maybe it was because I never had time to sit back and reflect) but I think my old place was just becoming a cage for my depression and I was struggling to get free of it. I am free of it now and I couldn't be happier. Admittedly there is still a lot of work but its my home now. And the best part is, where I am is so secluded and out of the way that if I don't want anyone in particular knowing where I am, they won't ever find out. In a way this has been a chance to cut ties to the past and things that were getting me down. Its not running away, its finding something that works better and makes you feel less negative about the past.
Moving has been a huge change for me. Change is scary sometimes and when you are wired the way I am, it can be scary. Maybe I was desperately clinging on to the old place like some kind of comfort thing and never realised that really it was becoming a rut and I was just getting more and more miserable as a result. The problem is there is that you start feeling like nothing is ever going to get better or there's no reason to fight anymore. It's not the healthiest way of looking at it and I think that if you can't even manage to get up and make a cup of tea in your home let alone anything else, then your home isn't a home anymore. As hard as the move was, and as stressful, it has been worth it. It has empowered me. It has allowed me to say "Well, that was then this is now." My new neighbours have helped me in more ways than I could even say and I feel like part of the community here unlike back in Abbeydale where it was becoming cliquey and there was a strong "us vs them" attitude.
I think the hardest part of moving is in the unpacking. I literally had days to move (which when you're in a wheelchair and not really able to move about as much is even more hectic) and it was a completely crazy experience. I think I spent my first few days here wandering back and forth thinking "where do I even start?!" with all boxes, bags and who knows what else. Talk about overwhelming! Gradually though, I have found my pace and I feel so calm. I feel so much less stressed and I really do like the peace and quiet. My lovely new neighbours have helped me so much over the whole thing and I couldn't be more grateful to them. It makes such a difference to have nice, helpful neighbours!
One of the things I decided when I moved (admittedly down to someone giving me a "push") was that I wasn't going to go on the "it'll do" idea for furniture. I have gotten rid of the tattiest stuff and am replacing a lot with nice new stuff which looks so much better and cleaner and it is shaping up to look like the home I want, rather than the typical "benefit squat" that so many people feel that they have to have because they convince themselves that it's the best they can do. I may be on benefits but I get enough to ensure that I have at least got myself a comfortable, clean home which is all I ever really wanted. Looking around, I haven't done at all badly and considering my conditions and how they affect me, I am getting it together (with help) and the place looks and feels incredible. Of course I haven't said much about the area I live in for privacy reasons (because to be honest, its not really anyone's business unless I choose for them to know).
I am still in the process of getting unpacked. Its harder to do things like unpacking and building furniture when you are breathless or in a wheelchair but once it's done, it'll be set. I think in some ways, I had all but given up when I was in the old place because the more I did, the more things seemed to pile up. It looked like a squat towards the end and it felt that way too and I needed to get away from the negative feeling of the place and the fact that the place just didn't suit me anymore. When I moved in to the old place, I was a lot more mobile and able to do things. My knees and back didn't hurt all the time and I wasn't in the chair. It suited me then and for 5 years it was a pretty cool little place. But I don't know, maybe it was the old "temporary" things that lasted way longer than they should have while others were replaced more readily or the fact that it was so small and clustered in a block that it just didn't seem to be very comfy towards the end of my time there. Not to mention the problems with damp and mold which never ever got solved. Turns out it's a problem a lot of the old flats in Abbeydale have. They're just lumped on top of each other and you're always too close to the neighbours because they're there. Above your head.
I won't live in a flat again. Not now that I have such a wonderful place.
1 year ago