Fever and Humping Guinea Pigs...

Yes you did read that right. We have a Guinea Pig who is an inveterate humper. Hope spent most of last night trying his hardest to hump Gizmo and Patch. Patch was looking neither impressed nor appalled by this frisky little white thing that kept mounting him and humping his face. It would have been one of the funniest things I'd seen, had it not been for the anguished squawking from Gizmo from having his face humped. I think Gizmo must have the patience of a saint! You would need it with Hope when he does things like that.

I fell asleep very quickly after constructing myself a nest of pillows, teddies and blankets. I swear my dreams are odd at times, as I dreamed that Nathaniel had somehow acquired my old yellow Gameboy console. I'd had that thing for YEARS and it was battered, ratty and the screen panel had fallen off years ago. I think I lent it to someone, but never saw it again, not that I mind, but I will admit it would be nice to see it again if possible. I think between that and my Master System (which I know Nathaniel did have off me), that thing was a part of my childhood. I guess I have been a gamer from a young age really, but that is just me.

I woke up and I felt hot. It was a knock at the door from the Housing Officer who wanted to talk to me about my well-being. I must have looked a right sight, white as a sheet, sweating and shaking, wheezing slightly. He asked if I was alright and I just said I had woke up, he apologized for waking me, and I went back to sleep for a little while. When I woke, I was still feeling hot, so I checked my temp, 39.8... peak flow was very low at 160 l/min and I was generally feeling crappy. I took my pills, some co-codamol as I was in a lot of pain, and a long neb of Salbutamol, Ipratropium and Saline, as well as my Symbicort inhaler.

Today, I just feel crap and don't quite know what to expect so will keep you posted. 

Loves
Wendy xx

Waking up, the morning after the night before...

Last night was probably the icing on the shit-cake that was the last week. If I had ever cried that much over something, I'll be surprised. I was tired, in pain and just wanted to sleep. Steve was in one all day yesterday, and when I found out what it was that made him stress me out like that, I couldn't have him near me for a while so I asked him to leave, followed with verbal abuse and being told that I was uncaring (OK for someone who didn't care, I managed to sob myself in to more pain). Then I got when I needed, remorse. True remorse from someone who never realised what they were doing until it got to that point.

The good news is we talked and decided to carry on together, but we are no longer engaged. We got engaged way too quickly and it really was a bad idea for me to enter this. I was dumb, and I followed my heart too far, ignoring my head.

I slept OK in the end, but had a searing headache behind my temples, to contend with the pain in my sides and chest because my lungs have fluid inside them. This is a very unpleasant prospect and its hard because its left me exhausted and I just want to fall asleep and stay there for a while and being comfortable and content. I get sick of pain sometimes I think, even if I pretend that it's OK and I'm surviving, but right now I am so weak, I can't even get the strength to cough and shift what it is thats in there. So right now I am having a neb of saline solution and getting what rest is permissible. Next door has woken me up once or twice today and its left me somewhat cranky and tired.

Here's hoping really, for the comfortable rest and shifting this myself, or I will have to face the alternative, having it drained off for me. I really don't want this as it is painful and would mean a long stay in hospital. Just before Christmas as well.

Much Love
Wendy x

Mixed feelings...

Have you ever had mixed feelings about a situation but really have no idea where it is you should turn to for either advice or just some sort of confirmation that you are doing the right thing.

My worries are about Steve's little brother, Luke. Luke lives in a squalid house that you smell before you see. He is never looked after properly and it scares me that he is being neglected so much. While everything inside screamed at me to phone the social, everything else says give him another chance. Even though we have given him more chances than we can even count on both our fingers and toes. I encouraged Steve to take action and start the council on an investigation. But was I right in doing this? Everyone who knows the score says yes, but theres this part of me that is waiting to be told to STFU frankly and I guess I'm just feeling so lost right now. I love Luke, he is like either my own child or little brother and would love to give him a home where he is safe, loved and free from psychological bullying from his dad. I pray to every deity going that he doesn't end up being just as beaten down, depressed and unhappy as Steve did. It was bad enough that one of them went through this.

As for me? Well I've just kept quiet ready to be the first in the firing line on this one, the scapegoat. I am always so ready to look out for every one else and make sure they're going to be OK. I learned a long time ago to always help others, and thats what I always did.

My infection has left me feeling tired and weak, but my neighbor still insists on being noisy, while he sits on his backside all day getting high and drinking cheap cider. He is unemployed, but unlike me he is actually well enough to work. I won't get back in to THIS rant, but I think it's obvious what I think.

I'm going to go and get what rest I can, until it all begins anew tomorrow...

Love ya all!
Wendy x

Bit more of an Update...

I felt bad for copping out and not giving you guys a more through update on how I've been these last few days. I think its probably because I wanted to avoid it, its a pride thing and me not wanting to be a bother to anyone.

I ended up with another LRTI (to the layman a lower respiratory tract infection, which most signs point to the beginnings of another pneumonia, something I have had many times and know full well the consequences, hopefully we got it early again before it had chance to get nasty). and LRTI isn't that big of a deal usually, just extra Prednisolone and Antibiotics to clear it up and build me up a bit. Unfortunately, this one could be a little more stubborn to clear. Am going to see my GP tomorrow and see what he says and recommends, if I get out of there without more Antibiotics I will be lucky. Worst case scenario could be another trip in to hospital and even a few days in, which is not a prospect I really relish.

So, here I am, exhausted and nebbing every couple of hours or so again and trying to keep a fever in check. Steve has been brilliant and making sure I rest and keep warm, but I can't help but think he is getting resentful of this situation or even sick of me. I do wish I could change this and make it so I wasn't getting so ill all the time, but it hurts more that I can't do anything about it. I'd be lying if I didn't admit it makes me unhappy at times. But at other times, I understand, and have learned to accept my situation, so perhaps its now his turn.

Now, I've got that off my chest, I feel slightly less saddened by this situation. Heck having a certain jerk contacting me out of the blue to attack me and try and start a slanging match didn't bother me that much. On the contrary, I found being called a "Pathological Liar" by a person who is a cleptomaniac, sadist and bully really very VERY funny, and for the record dear "brother", yes, I do deserve the everything I am getting, every single win and success that I am enjoying. I do deserve the support from a loving family and some of the most amazing friends in the world ever. Oh and Yes, I do deserve the happiness that I enjoy every single day of my life, while you are left to wallow in the past because you can't let go.

Now I call THAT therapy!

Love ya
Wendy x 

Oh my God I can't believe it, I've got my self stuck far away from home...

After yesterday's rough and bumpy ride, it finally happened. The exacerbation my lungs had been dreaming of and plotting for the last week finally happened. I finally had my backside handed to me and it was so bad, I ended up at the local hospital for more of the usual meds. Oh and an Arterial Blood Gas stab that took 4 attempts, a drip that wouldn't lay down and a fever that caused me to sweat through my sheet, blanket and hospital gown.

The doctor was really nice about things and at least took it all in good humour, I myself, well I stayed as cheerful as I could with the same spot on one hand being stabbed and then the other for good measure. I can tell you now, it really REALLY is not fun. Then theres the chest x-ray, confirmed a LRTI (lower respiratory tract infection). So its antibiotics, painkillers and 40mg of Pred. Fun, huh? You would have thought after the first 100 times, I'd watch my asthma, but unfortunately its as stubborn as I am. And I am VERY stubborn, I don't want to admit, but the evidence speaks for itself really.

I suppose I'm glad its done now, I can recover and get better. But I must take this chance here and now to thank one of my best friends ever. Ant Tremaine, you are a total, utter and complete legend for helping us get home tonight (LOVE YOU MAN!!) and to Nat, Stacey and Vicky for helping me through. Love you all loads.

Love ya

Wendy x