For life's little ups and downs.

A rather quirky, funny and sometimes daunting look in to the life of someone who has a lot of health problems but does their best to keep positive. Punctuated by guinea pigs, anime, superheroes, transforming robots and cross stitching.

I started this blog to tell my story, about who I am and what I do. On top of the health problems and raising awareness for those, I also use my blog as a way to help promote other causes, particularly ones which affect the most vulnerable. I live with a number of different and complex health problems but I refuse to let anything get me down. I know how it feels to be discriminated against or thrown aside. This is me. This is my life. I live it and do what I want with it. Nature sets the limitations. We set the boundaries.

About Me:

A blog about life. I live with Type 1 Brittle Asthma, Bi-Polar Disorder, Obsessive Compulsive Disorder as well as Various Allergies, Neutropenia, Crohns Disease (my IBS was rediagnosed as Crohns), Osteo and Rheumatoid Arthritis, PCOS and Osteoporosis and Heredetary Spastic Paraplegia. I have recently also been diagnosed with Sleep Apnea (which makes me stop breathing in my sleep) I live with these conditions, but I refuse to let them keep me down and out. I still try and make the most of my days despite being so poorly and having to rely on my wheelchair, nebulisers, nearly 50 pills a day and 2l/min of oxygen and CPAP.

I'll flap my broken wings and erase it all someday... You'll see.

Tuesday, 31 January 2012

Better Mood, Less Reclusion...

Today I have had a better day than many of the ones gone by. This is a better outcome than recently when I had nearly done some horrific things to myself and had all but given up on "normality". It's amazing how 24 hours, letting off some steam and talking to people who are supportive can really improve things and allow one to get some much needed sleep and wake up at a reasonable time feeling fresh and relaxed, ready for another day of trying to not scratch at the rash on the back of my neck again.

I don't know where the origins of this rash came from. It started happening when I was about 15 or 16 years old. First time it happened, I was at a friends and I couldn't stop scratching my hands and had even made some of the sores bleed and weep. By the time I had gotten home, the strange rash had gone from my hand and was now under my chin. When I woke up the next morning the rash had gone... Until later on when it reappeared at school on my hands, arms and (after I had touched it as an experiment) my stomach. It was so surreal and we were all wondering what on earth it was, at "Homework Club" (Where we used to stay an hour and use the internet) me and my friend scoured the internet looking for some kind of answer. We had absolutely no idea! By the next morning, my mum was worried so she ran me to the Doctor's and we found out that it was known as "nettle rash" or hives.

There is a kind of Hives that happens when your body develops a viral infection and instead of attacking the virus, your body decides it's a wise idea to attack itself instead. By this point I was really confused but didn't feel well enough to ask for a better explanation until I was much older and after it had happened a number of other times and became a fail-safe indicator as to whether or not I was coming down with something.

Coming down with something is probably another reason why I have been feeling a bit down and not particularly happy about things. Getting some important changes to things like my diet and other things has been so helpful and I have been able to work out my lethargy and apathy, or my hyperactivity, it was all traced down to the same thing actually. The 89p energy drink from the local shop. Theres something in that, but not in Relentless, that has a bad reaction. Doing my research I found that this was due to the fact that everything it contains is synthetic. So yeah, I'm leaving that shit alone from now on!

Wendy xx

Sunday, 29 January 2012

How To Do This...

I think my main issue right now is I am thoroughly fed up. I'm fed up of pills, potions and heaven knows what else. It's like a full time job being me I think sometimes. I will admit the monotony of days without anything to do, and not really being able to go out much by myself these days (I do try though every chance I get) and watching the same old programmes, reading the same old complaints by people who don't know the half of what a tough time can be. It's not a surprise that I have some days where I sit there and think to myself "why bother anymore?" and those days I just want to do something reckless. Luckily I don't because I remind myself that giving in would be just what the people who hurt me most would want. For me to give up and become yet another statistic.

I am strong on the surface. I keep this barrier up where no one is allowed to see the deepest things that loom under my skin. I don't tell people when I feel vulnerable or scared. Vulnerability and fear are things I fear others seeing. Once they see what can hurt, thats what they can hit you with. I don't open up to anyone without force nor do I allow people to see whats really wrong. I have always been this guarded. I'm afraid of not being so and I know this bothers people, but I am sorry but it is who I am and it's hard to let people in, past the barriers. I only did it once with my first real boyfriend and I ended up getting hurt. It left me feeling so unwanted and as though I was not worth being loved. I vowed that day that I would never allow myself to be so weak and vulnerable again. As a result only a few people are close to me. And they mean the world to me.

My quiet time recently had been faced with something I was not proud of. I've not been eating, losing a lot of weight and just not feeling right in myself. It has taken so much inner strength so that I didn't do drastic things and I had managed not to make yet another attempt. I lay there crying in bed for hours thinking of the people who would be upset had they known what I had been thinking again. I felt angry with myself for being so weak and unable to process what I had been thinking so much that I just wanted out. I was angry because I felt so selfish. I would have given anything at that moment for someone to come and kick me back in to line. Instead I did the kicking for myself, being hard on myself. I then stopped sleeping properly. Not helped by the lack of security caused by a neighbor with some kind of chip on her shoulder and the compulsion to scream and shout at 2-3 AM. It's no wonder my skin is inflamed and my scalp is littered with bald patches, eczema and the worst headache I'd had in years.

I am hoping after speaking to my Psychiatrist on Thursday, there may be some way that I can get some rest and ease my own mind. I am sincerely sorry to anyone this post may upset. That was not my intention, I just need to let off some steam before it destroys me.

Wendy xx

Saturday, 28 January 2012

It was You...

This is dedicated to the people who have shown me a lot over the years and everything you taught me, its still a part of me today. Thank you to everyone for knowing me and loving me despite my issues and my strange behaviour. Of course this isn't everyone in my life, but those who have been there for me the most over the last few months. As I suck at finding the right words I found a song that sums it up for you all. 

It was you - 12 Stones

That showed me who I am
And taught me how to stand
For what I know is real

I was sick of all the pain
Tired of all the shame that I felt
But you showed me a way
To never have a doubt
And always to believe in myself
Now I see

It was you
That showed me who I am
And taught me how to stand
For what I know is real

Now I'm breathin for the first time
And I'm leavin, all this behind
I've become, what I am because of you
It was you

I'm so sorry 'bout the ways
But I can't take away my past
But you love me anyway
And now I wanna do
Everything for you that I can
Even though it won't erase
The foolish things that I've done
Things that blinded me
But now I see

So how can I make this up to you
I'll fight and I'll push and I'll strive
Now now that I'm living my life for you
I'll fight and I'll push and I'll Strive
Can't you see

I can see the writing on the wall
As time begins to crawl away from me
And I've become what I am
Because of you
It was you

Wednesday, 25 January 2012

New Additions...

My menagerie is growing and these little guys are absolutely gorgeous! I adopted them recently and brought home these little wonders, and worked out exactly who was best suited to which adult pig. In the end I decided that they were both to be housed with my 8 month old, Gaara, instead of my two 13 month olds.

Zell (named by Becky) and Tenzou (a name I chose that means "Heavenly Creation") are about 17 weeks old, and like Gizmo and Hope are brothers. Funnily enough it was the one year anniversary of bringing home Gizzy and Hope that I brought home Tenzou and Zell. They're lively little creatures who are full of energy and they love to chatter. Gaara is starting to get very big now and is slowly becoming friendlier as time goes on. I have had Gaara since July last year and he still wheeks very VERY loudly at times. One of the reasons he had been chosen was the fact that he was wheeking so loudly that he could be heard through the glass, on the other side of the shop! That little guinea pig has grown to be a right noisy bugger but he has his charms, and his soft side when he wants it.

Zell is a white abyssian with shining blue eyes and black rimmed ears. He kind of reminds me of Hope, but his personality is less loopy and he doesn't hump everything in sight. Hope did have a lot of problems and was destined to not live too long. It was quite sad but we kind of expected it after we'd found him on his side again and again. But Zell is very healthy and very happy. He's the chattier one of the two and is always interested in either exploring or long cuddles on the sofa. He loves his brother and likes to sleep curled up with Gaara which is very cute to see. As Becky named him, he is essentially Becky's guinea pig, but he lives here with me and the lads (and Light of course).

My guinea pig is Tenzou. A satin furred guinea pig who is almost totally black apart from a brown smudge on his head. His face reminds me a lot of Alphonse. And his rather sweet and timid personality reminds me of him as well. That sweet little creature also has a mild infatuation with the rat and finds her fascinating, and is completely oblivious to the rather obvious problem of right sex, wrong species!

Tenzou and Gaara have been a little rocky to start off with, Tenzou doesn't like the way Gaara tries to be dominant and Gaara doesn't seem to like the fact that he has to share his home with 4 other guinea pigs, a rat and a human. He's always been like it though, but him and Kadaj really REALLY hate one another and given half a chance would kill each other. Hence I don't chances with that kind of thing, something to do with me not wanting to bury 2 more guinea pigs. I really do have a passion for the chubby little darlings and would never allow one to get hurt in the process of anything. That just isn't how I do things and even though they can be stressful, and noisy, I believe that the day I said I was going to adopt them and keep them was the day I pledged to give every animal in my care the "forever" home they deserve, with love and compassion.

They may not realise it but my animals do bless me with something in themselves... They give me companionship and friendship. Unconditional love is so important and its something that can make the healing process a lot easier as it gives you a reason to carry on on those days when you're in pain or those days when you feel so weak and useless. And there have been many of those days when I have barely been well enough to stand and do things, let alone feel happy or worth anything, but those days are getting fewer and further between.

Wendy xx

Monday, 23 January 2012

Moving Forward...

After a weekend where I was so unwell I really didn't feel like going on the computer much, I had some time to think about a lot in my life. How the choices within it have shaped and tempered me to the world outside and for the first time in a while I realised something. I like myself and who I have become. I like my stoic nature makes me take everything in my stride.

I've learned to do that a lot with my conditions. Some are getting worse admittedly and my joints are really creaky, and my back is very stiff because of the cold weather. My left arm is still stiff from shattering my elbow so spectacularly last year. It is doubtful I'll ever get full range back in the joint, but I am learning to work around it, not as an obstacle but a new and fun challenge. However my back is a less enjoyable challenge and the cold weather really does do a number on the damaged parts, but what can one do really?

I guess I've been occupying myself with some illustration work and some planning for a tattoo myself and Becky are getting in a few weeks, I don't want to say too much here as I am not revealing my design until it's on my skin, so as not to fall victim to a number of art thieves that have recently taken to stealing other people's work that they have worked so hard on. My work, however is still being submitted to Deviant Art and I seem to do an upload every few days, sometimes many in the space of 24 hours, depending in the amount of drawing I did. I don't earn any money for my drawings, but it does bring a smile on my face when I get a message or comment from someone who has enjoyed my drawing.

I draw sometimes so that I can escape pain or frustration, or even when I have been deprived of sleep again. It takes me away somewhere that I can just be, and not think about illness, doctors, treatments and hospitals. To a land where instead of being in a clapped out body, I am working in a village as a ninja and I fly through trees to battle bad guys and save the youngsters. It's a nice place. Or I go to Midgar and follow Sephiroth around for a bit, watching him being the hero he is, saving me from monsters then walking me around the fountain until we stop to just chatter about things. My fantasy worlds are a safeplace from the frustrating world of being long term sick.

Although the progress is slow in life and I still struggle with things from day to day, you know something I am in a much more positive place right now and I intend to keep on improving my life and taking pride in everything I have achieved right now. I would love someday to get back in to work and I will strive to get there if I can. If not then at least we can say I really tried in life. Rather than sinking in to a rut and wallowing in there like so many before me. I won't let the fact I struggle to get out of bed some days because my chest is bad or the fact that I get hospitalised by my asthma frequently continue to beat me. I will get through this challenge and when I do, I want to prove to all those people who are disabled like me that life can be good and we can achieve things.

Wendy xx

Wednesday, 18 January 2012

Rising Above...

Given recent issues that have come to light, I have been reminded of a song that has a lyric that applies to me in so many ways and its something that always comes back to me.

"If you say that I am weak, then show me the proof, because I still exist inspite of you." Aaron Lewis, Stain'd

No matter what people try and throw at me, I will ALWAYS get back up, brush it off and keep walking, keep going because you know something, I am better than what anyone else has painted me as. I am a strong person who has fought hard enough to stay where I am today and you know something, I will keep fighting and I will keep getting stronger and more confident, not because anyone said I couldn't, but because I believe I can. Because I have faith in myself and I know the people who are backing me have the utmost faith and respect for me.

These people know the REAL me. The person who has come through hell and high water to get where I am today and these people have been my rock. The people whose shoulders I have cried on and asked for help and advice. People who have reminded me that even though the road is bumpy, its one worth travelling because the outcome is important to me. I feel so blessed to have these people in my life and I will never be able to truly pay them back for their kindness, and sometimes the slap round the chops to get me to pull myself together!

I am NOT perfect by any means, but I am able to rise above my past and the people who hurt me and walk forwards with my head high and a smile on my face, because I accept my own wrongs and I do not blame others for my mistakes. I do things, even when I don't particularly want to. I have often said that I am not perfect, I am human. I am flawed by design just like everyone else, but what makes me who I am is the strength to say enough is enough and walk away from the people who hurt me and the past.

I am honoured to have the people I have in my life. And I am also honoured that you, the reader, has taken the time to read and understand my plight. I do get your emails and they do make me so happy because I know that out there my message has reached and helped someone. Thank you... so much for everything and as I continue to grow and flourish, this blog will continue to stand as testament to how my life is progressing. As the name says, this is my journey. Every step of the way.

Wendy xx

Tuesday, 17 January 2012

A New Choice That Could Change My Life...

After a spate of negativity and a rather heavy weekend, I finally have made the choice in life to follow all those dreams of mine that have laid by the wayside. Fuck the past frankly, I really couldn't care less and do not want to enter in to the same tired and boring debates with someone. Frankly I do not care. I have much better and more enjoyable pursuits to occupy my time and a wonderful opportunity to follow a dream I have had ever since I was first aware of body modification.

Theres a subtle art to body modification. Piercing and Tattooing has ALWAYS fascinated me. Ever since I was a little girl and sometimes my Dad would show me his latest piece of exquisite body art. At the age of 10, I was telling EVERYONE how I wanted to be a tattooed and pierced biker-chick with a Harley and a nose-ring. I guess I'm half way there! I have the tattoos and piercings but still don't have a motorbike... yet. My 10 year old self, I am working on it honest! But my next step is later this year. In August I plan to train as a piercer. Something I had always wanted to do, so I will be able to pierce people and even do some more on myself! I do have my share of piercings that I would like to get, including my other tragus and lots more in my ears. Its a FANTASTIC opportunity for me. And something I am going to do. Not I would like to do. SOMETHING I AM doing. I paid my deposit and booked my place and I cannot wait!

I am so done with everyone's choices and what they thing I should do with my life. I'm so done caring what people think of me, and I am so done with anyone who doesn't like me for who I am and will consciously beat it out of me. Its taken me a long time to get to this point where I can look in the mirror and actually smile at the young lady who looks back.

Thank you Becky. Thank you for showing me who I really am and helping me get out of my shell.

I love you.

Wendy xx

Monday, 16 January 2012

Bullying and Hypocrissy...

With the recent episodes of cyber bullying and the ferocity of bullying in schools today, it has forced me to really take a look back at my school days. In particular the 3 years of relentless hell spent at Stafford's Weston Road High School. Thinking about it now is difficult and it has had a significant effect on my personality and social seclusion. Habits such as hiding away from people or constantly keeping eyes to the floor which have still remained hard for me to break.

It would be unfair to say that the horrific time I had at that school is the cause of my more recent anxiety disorders (until recently, because of a certain ex boyfriend, my confidence was so shattered that I was becoming agoraphobic, too afraid to even look out of a window and getting to the point where I would seldom leave the bedroom, but that is a whole other story that I will address later.) but I do believe that the foundations were set in my early teenage years.

I went to a local comprehensive high school like so many of my peers. Unfortunately the antics of cousins and other family members meant that I was branded the same way. Not helped by some defects that made me substantially different to other kids. I was taunted relentlessly because of my eyes, my walking, the fact I was always hunched over, just to name a few things. The effect this had on me is long term and I find it very hard to trust people and prefer to stay away from others. It had a massive effect on my confidence and expectations in life. I eventually got to the point where I was so depressed and miserable I began self harming and made some attempts on my life.

A typical day back then would start not at school, but often enroute. Whether it was the 2 mile walk from Cull Avenue, or the 45 minute busride from Highfields. I'd still deal with antagonism and cruelty from my peers. Names shouted, even sometimes older boys trying to take blows at me. For a young girl, it was frightening and things never improved when I was finally AT school. Stress made me underachieve, a certain teacher throwing her usual brand of verbal abuse, all because I wasn't sporty, I was arty. I didn't play sport, couldn't care for fashion or make up. I danced to my own beat and loved to make music or draw. I read books or played on computers. Other kids thought I was weird, so sometimes just to make them leave me alone, I acted it. A lot of the shallow people there didn't interest me.

By the time I was in year 9, after my parent's divorce, my brother's vicious behavior towards me and the upheaval of having to leave my family home to live in a whole new place. I was distraught. And I finally snapped. I became aggressive and angry at everyone, lashing out at people, regardless of who they were and eventually I suffered a nervous breakdown. I was off school for a week but was no better on return, the doctor tried to get my mum to agree to antidepressants at 14. Eventually I was left with no choice but to be taken out of that school.

I found it hypocritical when I read posts from people who used to do some horrible things to me, they were going on about how "wrong" it was. Yet it wasn't wrong when they did EXACTLY the same to me? No one ever said they were sorry. No one ever actually asked whether what they did had contributed to my problems now. I found that, and still do find that disgusting and repugnant. There is nothing more disgusting than a bully and I will always believe that.

Wendy xx

Friday, 13 January 2012

Party Time...

Last night something amazing happened. Natty had a party or a gathering of the clique as it was back in college. Back on the National, me and Natt used to hang out in the Student Lounge for most of our time towards the end of the second year. There was a table in the corner and we would set up our laptops, hook up to the net and do our work, amongst other things, and drink the college out of tea and Dr Pepper. Those were fun times. It was always the same group of us congregated around this table, Me, Nathaniel, Fringe, Bean, Lydia and Ant. We'd talk, laugh and then get the bus together at the end of the day.

To get the group back together for the first time in about 2 years (it has been LONG overdue to be fair) and spend a night with some drinks, some games and laughing ourselves silly was so refreshing. Even invigorating. Yes I slept on a sofa and am in desperate need to change my clothes and bathe, and yes my hair has that post houseparty tousled look and I really need a good nights sleep, I feel absolutely amazing. I feel around 24 again and not 94. I'm happy and its a good way to feel.

I got up at 12 today after getting to bed at around 3/4 AM. Me and Nat had stayed up gaming for hours, which isn't anything new and we finally finished my game of Portal among other things, Alien Hominid, and the lot of us had played a mammoth session of Rockband (that game is so much more fun the more people you get in to it and I doubt the neighbors will forget our renditions of "Don't Stop Believing" and "Bohemian Rhapsody" any time soon, although half the problem was I kept cracking up and losing composure whenever there was a wisecrack or Ant made some kind of noise that can only be described as honking!) and drinking games. It was great fun and it was just what I needed really.

Wendy xx

Tuesday, 10 January 2012

Loose Ends...

Today has been a day of tying up all those loose ends that have, as of late been working on my last nerve and strand of sanity. It's mainly been things like paying bills and other things, but they're things that really annoy me. The main annoyance is how far behind I had gotten on things because of one reason or another, to be quite frank, I really don't care about the specifics anymore. Wallowing in the past and trying to work out who did what and why is really not profitable to anyone so instead of that, I want to just focus instead on putting the wrong things right and learning from the past. Learn from our mistakes and make the choice to go forward and make sure that the same traps aren't fallen in to again.

That is my biggest priority now. Getting back in to the black from what was quite substantial debt because of life in the YMCA, barely making ends meet and having to sell things just to get by. It's not something I EVER EVER want to go back to and I don't intend on falling in to the same traps over and over again. I have a future to plan and a life that I have worked my ass off to get back to. My support worker really helped me to turn my life around after everything that the last 2-3 years had taught me. I will admit freely that I often let myself get caged and that began to affect me in profound ways. My support worker really helped me turn it all around. I mean majorly.

I've been adapting to life with this condition and I really feel confident in myself again. I've been looking after myself and eating better. I've been enjoying evenings where I can just lie in bed with a DVD on, my PSP running and a pot of tea at my side. Heck even my asthma is a bit better these days, (bar a few hic-ups but I have been handling well) and my confidence is growing. I finally managed to do an emotive portrait on asthma and how it makes me feel, how it affects me and the dark rings around the eyes are symbolic of how exhaustion is a major part of my life. My Lung Function is about 60% and there are days when I don't feel like getting out of bed, let alone running around after others. You can see and even feel the fear in my eyes. The pain of what a bad day can leave me with. I love how it came out. It took a few attempts to get it right.

Wendy xx

Monday, 9 January 2012

Making It Count...

Me being me and always wanting to look on the bright side of every situation seems to be paying off. My confidence has seriously improved and I am finding myself wanting to go out more and more as time goes on. Seeing my friends is the best part of my day if I may be honest. But I have become more interested in meeting new people. Going out with Cat on Friday was hard on me admittedly but really what is easy and worth it? I had to get out for a few hours after finding my little baby had gone to be with the angels, but deep down I think it was what he would have wanted me to do.

Patch saved me from so much and I know that him being free and away from any suffering is a good thing. Such a compassionate and dear creature who loved nothing more than to cuddle up to me or listen to me read aloud to him. He used to purr at me when I read something and he showed me that I was actually needed and a worthwhile person. To see a friend who hadn't seen me in over a year was lovely and he commented on how much more like my old self I am, lost a LOT of weight and have my shape back and have still got THAT smile that seems to light up a room. I want to carry this on. I feel younger and full of life and that essence of being a 20-something who has been making it on her own with little more than a song in her heart and compassion and empathy towards every other soul out there.

This is the real me.

It's just taken me this long to figure it out that I was more than I was becoming. So, so, SO much more and my inner strength and courage is what keeps that personal growth going. I miss you though, my little sofa-spud and I thank you so much for showing me the real Wendy and letting me be your Mummy for the years we had together and I hope you did meet up with Alphonse and Hope ( who are probably driving you mad by pulling your beard out or humping you!! )

Wendy xx

Saturday, 7 January 2012

Goodbye Sweet Friend.

I still can't believe I'm typing this. It doesn't seem real and I am still shaking with both the shock and the tears. Patch, my "Hatch-Patch" has passed away after many MANY happy years together after suddenly getting really thin and becoming almost a shadow of his wonderful self. I know it was old age and not illness this time as he had been completely fine as he was, popcorning around with Gizmo and Kadaj and wheeking along with little Gaara (who thanks to Becky is starting to become a lot more tame and loveable). His presence is sorely missed and its only been one day.

I had got up early yesterday to go and see Cat in Brum. Something we had been planning for like 2 years now but something always came up and we had cancelled and tried again later. I had got up early and began to groom myself as always, hair, make-up and the like and I had turned to feed my guinea pigs as always, their excited wheeks and leaning out for fuss had always made me feel better about things, but something was definitely off. There had been a strange smell from the cage as of late and I had thought maybe Patch had been doing his party trick (farts that can stink a whole room out!) so had thought nothing of it at the time. I sat by the cage and then I saw him. Lying on his side and not moving. My snuggly teddy bear was gone. I scooped him out and put him in a basket to get him out the cage, but he was cold and stiff. Patch had died.

It really hit home when I was on the train home from seeing Cat. I broke down and cried all the way, not even bothering with my IPod which is so not me. I kept thinking about some of the moments me and that little guy had shared, from when he was a tiny (and frankly crazy) pup who used to run around in circles or jump in to his hay-rack. I remembered that first day we met.

I'd been in quite a bad place emotionally and was planning to replace my hamster that had died, but going in to Pets At Home, I saw him. He was so small and cute, and no one had wanted him. He was an outcast like me. I brought him, his cage and everything else without hesitation. It really was love at first sight and he knew I needed a companion. We'd lived in my attic together for a few months and he'd stopped me from doing something horrific to myself. He knew I was planning it and wheeked at me until I stopped and sat holding him for an hour. He mopped up tears. He snuggled up to me. He was my first guinea pig and I doubt highly that he will be my last.

As we lay him to rest, I sat stroking those ears and I said goodbye to my gentle giant. Run free Patch and meet up with Hope and Alphonse, they're waiting for you, me, Gizzy, 'Daj and Gaara will never forget you.

Wendy xx

Wednesday, 4 January 2012

Happy Wendy Is...

Happy! Just spent a WHOLE week with Bex. It was freaking awesome even if we stayed in eating junk food all day (and I don't seem to gain a pound, probably all the crazy dancing and the fact that I am completely hyperactive at the best of times). Since getting myself a new camera (a rather sexy one at that) I've been taking so many photos of my antics and the things I get up to because its been so funny. The one with the Kunai in my mouth has to be one of my favourite shots as of late. That came about when I was just bouncing around the flat in one of my hyper moods and then I saw my Kunai model sat on the bookcase, I couldn't resist grabbing my "Anti Konoha" headband and my "Akatsuki" cosplay cloak and throwing the shot together. It was one of those "Spurr of the moment" kind of things and it ended up being such a cute picture. And for the record the Kunai knife is a PLASTIC prop and it didn't taste that good!

I really have been getting in to my cosplay and my art just lately and it's been so cathartic to just lose myself in a drawing for hours at a time. My bubble is such a calm and beautiful place and the home I have is so reflective of that. It keeps me inspired and in those moments of weakness, I can laugh and feel better about the situation or as my nan would say "make the best of a bad job". In all honesty though, I have set myself up (with so much help from Penny and Tom, to whom I am always grateful to) with a comfortable and relaxed way of life. I do admittedly live like a student, but I am going back to being one over the next few years.

A life without regrets. This is so important to me, now so more than before. Since Rachy died and nearly losing Penny over Christmas and now hearing about Andrea as well, I am reminded of how fragile life is and how important it is to live, laugh, love and remember to breathe. Smile happily and let the world see that you are not weakened by others. Don't let your self-esteem come from other people but draw it from yourself and everything that is YOU. Be an individual because thats what makes you shine. Even if theres something you hate about yourself, chances are that there is someone out there who will love you so much that little thing may not even matter.

There was a lot about myself that I hated. I was fat. I was depressed and I was sick. But being around Becky has shown me that even in the bad times you can still laugh about something. OK so we laughed after I'd had an Asthma Attack on the toilet, but it was funny because of the randomness then we ended up bouncing around for ages playing "Hide and Seek" with the plushies, then watching Tactics for ages. I've watched all my Naruto Shippuden DVDs and now have to wait till the end of February for the next box set to be released. But that will be anticipated happily and then watched to death like the others!!

Wendy xx

Tuesday, 3 January 2012

Foot... I'll Lick it... Go on then............ No................

Seems to sum it up really doesn't it? When me and Becky get together its just hours of random but really funny in jokes between us. From laughing at saying words like "Seed" and "Plant" in funny voices to night time games of "Truth or Dare". This is what I have always wanted, a housemate who is as crazy as I am and doesn't mind when they hear me shouting "OH FUCK YOU THEN!!" at the X Box because some other player has wiped the floor with me (admittedly I don't wear my headset when playing some games, I don't swear unless I know no one else has to listen) and then I get up and pulverize them.

If you had been a visitor in April or early May last year, this house was so different. There were no sounds of laughter and glee, but the sounds of arguments and my own mental health slipping in to disrepair. I was so different back then. I was so wrong and not myself. And I hated that person that I was becoming, a person who needed others to survive and not moving forwards. In a nutshell, back then I had given up and I had lost faith in myself. Having my world turned upside down the way it had been 2 months ago has actually helped me realise a lot about who I really am.

Yes there are days when I can't really do much because my illnesses have left me exhausted, but I still try my hardest. I don't spend all my day in the bedroom, hiding from the people outside and I guess I have been trying to get out of the flat more and more as time goes on. I have had a period of personal growth and self-rediscovery and this has been incredible because I have finally reconnected with my 18 year old self. That nuts young girl who had her shoes pinched by Ant and Kris while she was riding on Mike's back (such a fond memory actually) or chasing Natty around the college. Being in a relationship that dragged me down aged me, and it was not a good look. At all.

Wendy xx

Sunday, 1 January 2012


Well its actually 15 mins after midnight but you know... Happy 2012 everyone. Here's to another year of crazy antics, nights with friends and plenty of piss ups (or knowing me "Slip ups"). Oh and my last piece of 2011 wound up being a drawing of "Team Yamato" from Shippuden. I have no idea why that was, but I owed Becky a picture of Team Yamato and she was going to draw the original Team 7.

So... yeah. Happy 2012!!


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