Happy New Year...

As 2010 draws to a close, I am ready and willing to face the new year with eyes wide open and ready to accept and conquer the new challenges that lie ahead of me me, with grace, humor and, of course, courage to speak up when things aren't so good and ask for help. I am not going to set unattainable goals for myself, as doing so will only encourage me to become melancholy when I fall flat on my face.

Before I get in to all that, I thought it would be a good time to reflect on this year. The good, the bad, the wins and of course the losses which made the victories seem even sweeter. Well, I started this year with the mother of all infections and was in such a state that I was tired and in hospital. I couldn't breathe well at all and felt as though there was no hope in sight as we started the quest to get me on home nebulisers. We got the referral to Birmingham Chest Clinic by a group of us, Steve, Nathaniel, Bean and myself. We all went to see Dr Pike and after a good long talk about how I was, and the quality of life I had at that moment, we went to get a specialist view.

I struggled on, through college shoots (passing out on one and falling asleep at a table on another, poor Sean had to poke me a few times because I was so tired) and plenty of other things. I think the most memorable and the one where I really summoned what was left of my strength was the Worcester Uni shoot. We had a hospital scene (of all things) and I really came in to my own by helping dress everything for authenticity. We had dummy drip lines. Who better to apply them than the one member of the team with the bleary eyes, all the pills and inhalers in their backpack and multiple healing sites where drips had been atatched and ABG's had been taken less than 24 hours before. I felt good for all the help I gave the team. OK having attacks around them, that was something else entirely.

So we crawled in to March. All the Pred and Olanzapine (an Antipsychotic I used to take for Bi-Polar) had bloated me to the point where I looked like I had been inflated with a bike pump! I was ashamed of myself and began to hide away, but I had an appointment to go to. I felt like a rabbit in the headlights. My palms were sweaty, I was trembling and scared. Little did I know, but my life was about to change so much. After a long chat with a young registrar by the name of Dr Snelson, during which she comforted me as I told her how miserable I was, how often I was so poorly I couldn't function and how I needed just to get well, she started my home nebulisers and said it was astonishing that I wasn't using them already. All I needed now, was to get a pump and nebules from my GP.

I got my nebules from Dr Pike and he was glad that we were moving forward. I think it always made Dr Pike quite sad to watch me go from a pretty healthy and active 18-19 year old, to 22, scared and struggling to breathe or do simple things. He prescribed them and gave me very strict instructions, about use, pred and other things. We finally felt as though we were getting somewhere, now all I needed was a nebuliser compressor. And my dear friend Penny helped me there. She gave me a Freeway Freedom home nebuliser unit. It has been my companion ever since that day and have even been on stage with it at my side.

I think everything went well from there, I followed Rachy on her transplant journey, shedding tears whenever things went awry, smiling at her progress. She really is inspirational and wonderful and to see her doing as well as she is makes me feel so proud to be acquainted with such a sweet and gentle soul. As for me, well I started rebuilding myself and joined Omen Shadow. We worked together and I really enjoyed myself, I was looking forward to our first gig, but just 2 weeks away from it, I had an accident.

It was May 10th. A wonderfully warm and sunny day. I had an appointment in Birmingham for a CT Scan of my chest (that in itself will be another story) so I went to the unfamiliar place of Adderley Park. I got off my train, asked some directions and got walking. It was a 2 mile walk I later found out. I was about halfway there and I tripped on a paving stone, my left foot rolled in under me and I heard a slight pop. I stopped as this lady asked if I was OK, I smiled and said I would be fine. I was convinced it would just be muscular and would ease as I walked on it. Shock can be a funny thing, but this is either a testament to my bullheadedness, or just my stupidity at times, or even a bit of both. I hobbled the final mile.

By the time I got to my appointment, got changed in to their gown and put my clothes and shoes in to the bag, I was nearly in tears. I did my scan and was frogmarched by a nurse to A & E. I sat for a while waiting and talking to these two lovely girls, one of which was amused by my stories about the things I got up to. Turns out I have a lot of funny stories and anecdotes, often at the mercy of doctors and they can be very entertaining. Eventually, I was called through, sent for an X-Ray and given a pair of crutches to help me walk. We didn't think it was broken.

OK, we were wrong, turned out I had a spiral fracture of my 5th metatarsal. I was put in plaster and Steve and Martin came and helped me home. We laughed all the way and I went on stage at Kingsley Battle of the Bands and at the Queens Head a few weeks later with an Air Cast and crutches, playing while sat on a stool. I felt like a right plonker, but I played and went for it.

Now, here comes the EVEN funnier story. I was out of my Air Cast (after 8 weeks of it) for about 1 or 2 weeks, I can never remember which, and me being me I did something. Like my brother and mother, I have a bit of a temper on me. It takes a while, but I can be vicious when I get going but there we go. I was in a mood about something (I think Steve was irritating me by sulking about something or other, its THAT important I don't remember it) and I had been on this training course thing with the Job Centre, that was a bust so less said there the better, and was in a really foul mood. So after all of it, what did I do? Vent like a normal person? Scream or lash out at what was annoying me? Punch a pillow? No, those would have been sensible. I looked at the door, backed down for a second... then I launched my fist as hard as I could, denting the door. Breaking the 5th metacarpal on my right hand. 6 weeks in plaster later and that healed and I could play bass again.

What of my chest by this point? Well... it did what it does best, create and land me in hospital. OK it wasn't as often as last year, but the times I was in, I was staying and needed help. It was a frustrating and irritating summer really. Although I met Dr Mansur, my consultant, who started me on a couple of new medications, and other things which helped me get at least a little more comfortable. Kind of.

On the plus, my time spent not really doing anything has put me in touch with someone called JP who I have joined with in a band. This will be fun and we are having our first practice next week so this will be fun.

So, my aims for 2011?

• Get out of the YMCA.
• Finish my HND
• Less hospital visits
• Do something nice for myself at least once a day.
• Tone up and look good again.
• SMILE more.

Simples.

Loves
Wendy xx

Misunderstandings, Reconcilliation and Excitement.

Christmas is that time of year when you see so much of the negative aspects of human behavior. Greed, selfishness and ultimately families disintegrating, children screaming in shops and hitting other people. People shoving others out of the way. Fighting over tinsel and turkey. What I don't get is why people act like this these days.

When I was a kid, Christmas was a magical time of year and no matter what trouble we had in the year, it was all forgotten and the family would be together. Even the year of my parent's divorce, we all found a way of being together on Christmas day with the rest of the family. Christmas eve was always spent at my Nan Jordan's. Nan would make a huge spread and the rest of the family would drop in, we'd all exchange greetings and some gifts and around about 7, Nan would always put "The Snowman" on BBC. My brothers and I would all sit together, Stephen would be complaining about how he didn't want to watch it and then as soon as the opening piano theme of "Walking In The Air" began he would sit watching with the rest of us.

Christmas day would always begin with Stephen coming in to my room and waking me up, then when I was up, we would go to my parent's room and ask "Mum, Dad, can we get up?" and eventually we were allowed downstairs to see a huge heap of presents for us. One of my fonder memories would have been the year I got a Barbie Horse Trailer and Stephen got an Action Man Jeep. Dad had assembled the Jeep days before and wrapped the empty box. A bemused Stephen had to watch my Dad wheel in his ready built and set up Jeep. And HE LOVED IT! My Dad and I spent the morning assembling my Barbie Horse Trailer. He was good at things like that.

Another thing that made me laugh as a child was when our Labrador Cross, Judy found the Christmas Cake. I was only 4 at the time, but my mum found the poor dog swaying and staggering. My Mum had a habit at Christmas for putting lots of rum in the cake... Enough said really...

This is what Christmas should be about. Family and friends. Speaking of friends, I have manage to reconcile with an old friend recently so I am very happy about this.

Loves
Wendy x

I need more DVD storage...

I have WAY too many DVD's these days. The weird thing is, I actually spend most of my time watching them and relaxing. It's a way of occupying myself and helping to distract me from the things that concern me. Or escaping when I'm in pain. I spend a lot of time in pain these days, but I think it's keeping it all in perspective that helps me stay grounded. Makes me think though, about what my favourite films are and why.

I guess the earliest film I loved was "Little Shop of Horrors". I used to watch that way back when I was a little tot. Singing along to all the songs and loving the character of Audrye. A funny memory of this was when I was about 4 or 5, I cant remember exactly, but I had this curiosity involving the flap of our video player. I used to like ejecting videos and trying to stick my finger in and pull it out again. Don't ask me why, I was a strange little kid really. I will admit this right now, but I digress, one day this backfired and I got my finger trapped in the player. That really hurt and I did what a little kid does and screamed my head off. I can't remember what happened next but I know my nail did come off after a few days.

As I got older, I used to like watching films with my older brothers. I was the only girl and I often felt left out because of this, but I used to like watching "Transformers The Movie" with my oldest brother, Richard. Yes it  was cheaply animated and cheesy as hell, but it holds some very fond memories and the fact that Stan Bush's "You've Got The Touch" still makes me grin like a mad woman has to stand for something.

In the late 1990's, I would say either '95 or '96, I fell in love with a Disney film, "The Lion King" and I remember my favourite character was Scar, around this time, I started talking to an imaginary friend, who was a lion called Scar and my usual companions in the car would have been "Biker Mice From Mars" another cartoon that I have rediscovered from my youth. I got a Vinnie and his bike for my birthday when I was 7. I remember this because my mum and nan had both brought me these. Instead, my nan gave me a Gymnast Barbie. I got the rest of the "Biker Mice" and their respective bikes that Christmas. I found a toy of Scar in the Disney Store in the Florida Mall and I had to have him!

My final favourite film that I feel is worth a mention would be "Final Fantasy VII : Advent Children". As I have said before, FFVII has been a part of my life for many years, but in 2005 when the feature length film came out, I was hooked and in love. Seeing the new 2009 cut recently, this is going to be a favourite for many years to come.

Having got all the films I love recently on DVD, I had some of them, now I have them ALL, it really got me thinking about how watching things that we used to enjoy as a child really brings back those warm, happy memories. I think this is important, especially when you have few happy childhood memories or when you have a very uncomfortable present and you just need to distract yourself. Plus taking part in a protest on Facebook for the NSPCC (changing profile pics to cartoon characters) really made me think about this and about the way certain things and films make us feel and it is a reflective thing really. Instead of my general ranting just lately, I guess this week has been very frustrating and my home environment wasn't a healing one, but C'est La Vie.

Loves
Wendy x

Happy Happy Happy!

I am so glad that they opened a LUSH shop in Redditch and so close to my birthday, so with my lovely pennies (donated by the awesome Nathaniel) I went and really treated myself to some new nice smelling things for me to indulge in and feel 10000000% special and loved. Then again as I have said many times before now, Lush cosmetics really are the secret to my good skin and youthful looks, (hehehe, buying meth spirits to fix that pesky DS of mine, if we hadn't been discussing age, I would have got I.D.ed so that has to count for something!) and generally good mood.

It is true, a good smell can equate to a VERY good mood, and a good mood always means a good day. So what took my fancy today? Well, as the money was a gift, I did get myself a lovely gift box, namely the Christmas Candy Box. Around my birthday, as it is so close to Christmas, you start getting the really tasty smelling Christmas treats, which is something I absolutely adore. And in these boxes you tend to get products (such as the Snow Fairy shower gel) which regrettably are unavailable at any time of the year, so now really is the time to stock up on them and make sure that I have enough to tide me over.

But enough about smellies or I could go on about them all day, because lets face it, I am a girl and I LOVE smelling like nice stuff rather than chemical poisons. But yet again, as I am prone to, I digress. After a truely wonderful day yesterday, I feel so much happier and closer to the me that I usually am, bright, perky and just generally in that sort of mood where smiling isn't an option. It's a must. Its been a while admittedly since I felt this happy, but I figure that if I can feel this happy more often then maybe life will not seem so glass half empty, if you know what I mean.

Whoever came up with that idea anyway that the glass was half empty? Personally I think it was just an excuse for the pessimists of the world to walk around with faces like smacked backsides and sulk until the day that the guy in the black shroud comes to collect them. That's OK, if you really want to be and think that way, BUT it really can't be all that exciting or fun, can it?

I guess what I really am getting at here, rather than rambling, as I do about everything and nothing all at once, is that if we can all take 5 minutes out of every day and think about everything we are either thankful for or are proud of instead of what makes us angry or disgusted, maybe that would make the human race a happier one.

Just some food for thought really.

Love You Muchly

Wendy x

Getting Creative...

I am known by those closest to me for my creativity. Be it from interesting pieces of illustration work, tattoo flash or even my custom made Christmas or Birthday cards. After a week of this (for want of a better word)  fucktard next door and his fondness for THE SAME beat day in, day out at the STUPIDEST levels imaginable (I mean this music actually rattles everything in our flat), and a housing officer who doesn't do anything, not because he "Can't" as he says, but because he WON'T, his reason, me and Steve don't work, OK I am long term disabled, so I think I have a pretty fair reason, correct me if I am wrong here.

But I digress, I decided that enough was enough. I had tried bumping and banging on the walls in fury (the multiple holes in the walls show as testament to this) to actually going round, asking the idiot to turn it down as the lack of rest makes me ILL. No avail. So I got imaginative, my nebuliser compressor is loud. VERY loud, and it has a strong, vibration. Now I put this against the wall and just let it vibrate for a while. Funnily enough, I think he got the point as the music turned down and we were able to resume our festivities in peace.

Our celebration? Well today is my Unofficial Birthday as it was the only time Nat could visit so we had a bit of a bash today. Pizza, pop and movies, I know this sounds tame by most standards, but as ill as I feel, getting sloshed just wouldn't be my best option. So we had some fun, music and films. Just a nice night in, and just what the doctor ordered.

As I am about to get to the presents, its time for the online THANK-YOU! to Nat and Josh for coming down, as well as thank you to Josh for the new Sephy plushie, (not that my dear old one is retiring, but the new one will be my shelf guardian), and an ENORMOUS THANK YOU to Nat for his VERY generous present, £100 cash. (You can imagine my face at this, but all the same LOVE YOU NATTY!!!!!) and to my wonderful friend Penny for her delicious Lemon Drizzle Cake.

Well I'm off now to enjoy the lovely company, play more cards and then crash out from exhaustion till morning.

Love ya muchly

Wendy x

Bit more of an Update...

I felt bad for copping out and not giving you guys a more through update on how I've been these last few days. I think its probably because I wanted to avoid it, its a pride thing and me not wanting to be a bother to anyone.

I ended up with another LRTI (to the layman a lower respiratory tract infection, which most signs point to the beginnings of another pneumonia, something I have had many times and know full well the consequences, hopefully we got it early again before it had chance to get nasty). and LRTI isn't that big of a deal usually, just extra Prednisolone and Antibiotics to clear it up and build me up a bit. Unfortunately, this one could be a little more stubborn to clear. Am going to see my GP tomorrow and see what he says and recommends, if I get out of there without more Antibiotics I will be lucky. Worst case scenario could be another trip in to hospital and even a few days in, which is not a prospect I really relish.

So, here I am, exhausted and nebbing every couple of hours or so again and trying to keep a fever in check. Steve has been brilliant and making sure I rest and keep warm, but I can't help but think he is getting resentful of this situation or even sick of me. I do wish I could change this and make it so I wasn't getting so ill all the time, but it hurts more that I can't do anything about it. I'd be lying if I didn't admit it makes me unhappy at times. But at other times, I understand, and have learned to accept my situation, so perhaps its now his turn.

Now, I've got that off my chest, I feel slightly less saddened by this situation. Heck having a certain jerk contacting me out of the blue to attack me and try and start a slanging match didn't bother me that much. On the contrary, I found being called a "Pathological Liar" by a person who is a cleptomaniac, sadist and bully really very VERY funny, and for the record dear "brother", yes, I do deserve the everything I am getting, every single win and success that I am enjoying. I do deserve the support from a loving family and some of the most amazing friends in the world ever. Oh and Yes, I do deserve the happiness that I enjoy every single day of my life, while you are left to wallow in the past because you can't let go.

Now I call THAT therapy!

Love ya
Wendy x