So many people underestimate it, but one thing I know from experience is just how painful asthma can actually be, be that due to strained muscles, sore and stiff airways or just because of the medication. Sometimes it can be so bad that it does get distressing and I do start to feel miserable and down, but when you're in that state, you start to just care about making it stop and getting some rest. The worst pain I get from my asthma is this horrible pleuritic pain which comes about when my asthma has been exceptionally evil and has irritated the inside of my chest. At its worst, it has made me cry and beg for it to be over because honestly, you can't actually do anything when it is that bad.
It has gotten to the point a few times that I have considered some pretty drastic measures just so it went away, including trying to end my own life. After that I felt even worse because I stopped and thought about all the people who would be hurt if I did such a selfish thing. I then promised myself that I would stick it out and raise my hand to people who can actually help me. I then decided that we need some answers because over a year of chronic infection and severe attacks which have been vicious at times. It kind of got to me that the GP was offering little answers and was just trying to shrug it off and ignore it. So we tried another route.
When I saw a different doctor, he asked me for a sample of my nastiest, greenest and gunkiest crap which I provided with help from my Flutter and a load of physio techniques so we should find out something from that because I gave them a lot of this foul tasting stuff. Afterwards I was started on a months worth of Clarithromycin (a very powerful antibiotic) and extra prednisolone, plenty of bed rest and of course, keep up with nebulisers and do only what I have to. The thing that bothers me is the fact that I have had to stay indoors and am starting to get a bit of cabin fever. I don't like being stuck in one place for too long because it just grates on me. I get really fidgety and anxious and just want to do everything and forget how exhausting that can be on my body, but the more I push, the more issues I come up against, but I have to learn patience and stay inside for now.
Basically we are still trying to find out what this thing is, we may never find that out and there is a chance that I could have developed a small abscess in my right lung, air doesn't get down to the bottom anymore and things could get even trickier over the next few months. Does that scare me? Yes. Of course it does. I am scared that this could mean a drastic line of treatment and I am scared that something could happen. It's alright to feel scared in that situation and I know that no matter what happens, I have those I love most ready to back me up, keep me supported and make sure that I get well. The most important thing to me has been my support network and its the one thing that I have come to rely on.
It's having those friends and loved ones around that help during the worst days. Days when even getting up and walking from the bed to the toilet and back can exhaust me, or days when I go from perfectly alright one moment to being rushed in to hospital the next. It helps when you don't feel alone and my friends help me push harder when I haven't had an answer. But there is one person who makes me feel the best and when he's here, I feel like nothing can hurt me ever and I feel so loved and that is Jace. We've been together for some time and when he's here, I love it. We have loads of fun, snuggle up and watch films or even just play on the X-Box or something. This has been a different relationship to what I am used to, but it is absolutely wonderful. I feel like I have found my soul mate and when I am in pain or scared, I think of him and it gets me through it.
One day I will be able to say that the pain and constant infection is gone. Of this I am sure and it is what I aim to fight for and that is what will keep me going even on the bad days. I never let anything beat me before and there is no way in hell that I will ever let that happen.
4 years ago