We already knew that my "down belows" were a problem. I've had PCOS since I was 16 and it's even put me in hospital, especially when a particularly nasty one burst and I felt so ill for weeks prior. It was then when I had my first internal ultrasound. I've had a fair few and each has shown more cysts as well as a fibroid. I also have a retroverted uterus (basically where normally a woman's uterus tends to tip forwards, mine tips backwards), but recently things have been more difficult. I mean my periods have always been erratic and painful, most women have menstrual cramps but this is on a whole new level. This feels like a hook pulling from inside my cervix and literally has me unable to move, considering the regular pain I experience as well. The doctors think its endometriosis, a condition where the uterine lining forms outside the uterus and causes scarring and adhesions. It's a grim diagnosis to be sure.
So, considering that and all my other problems, not to mention the fact that I don't want children as it wouldn't be fair to them or Jace with my body the way it is, the consultant and GP are thinking when it's safe to do so, due to Covid-19 and my general health anyway, it may be better to have a hysterectomy. It's not something I'm taking lightly. It's something that isn't without risks but it may be better for me in the long term. Still waiting to hear about my hernia repair as well, so that needs chasing up too. It'll mean my body may go through some very peculiar changes but who knows? Maybe it could lead to a better quality of life.
The other thing that has been getting to me has been the general pains I've been having due to a multitude of conditions all mounting up. I'd been coping by taking my Oramorph a bit more but that was inexplicably cut, something the doctor agreed was very cruel, without reviewing the long term morphine I use, Zomorph. I've been on 20mg twice a day for a long time and was started on it by a consultant. I've found it has helped and gave better control than tramadol was. Just as my body has taken a battering over the last 10 years, it's fair to see why that would get worse over time. The thing though with morphine is that it can be a dangerous thing as it's addictive and can cause some rather nasty side effects.
Being in pain constantly is not fun. It's frustrating and there comes a point where you start to wonder if it's even worth it anymore. My mental health recently has been very bad and I'll admit there's been some moments where I felt like I'd had enough and just wanted it all to stop. Just to not feel like this for a little bit would be wonderful but unfortunately it's just so complicated. It's frustrating when people just assume that taking painkillers is the best step forward. The thing with painkillers (I really don't like calling them that as they don't really stop the pain but more like they mask it to make it more tolerable) is that there's so many things to consider. Chucking more morphine in to a person isn't going to make them better.
Pain is your body telling you there's something not right happening inside you. Some people can deal with it better than others can but it's well worth saying that until the underlying cause of the pain is put right, it's never going to go away completely and it would be irresponsible to throw pain medication at patients with some false hope that they'll go away and get over it. Unfortunately there's too many people who have strong opiates thrown at them unchecked or reviewed for years on end. You have to ask the questions as to why such things are needed and see what else can be done. And sometimes its good to rule out the psychological side of things.
That was interesting but worth doing because sometimes some people experience physical "pain" to stimulus that isn't there or for no real medical reason. I was aware of ruling this out early as I wanted to be sure that it wasn't my mind playing with me. It wasn't, we've seen the actual physical aspects of my conditions and know well that it's definitely medical. It still doesn't make it easy but we knew that we needed to look at this and get a plan in place. Since increasing my zomorph I've needed less oramorph but I've been having more acute pain in my lower chest again so we'll have to see where that goes.
I'm just hoping nothing serious is happening.
Til all are One.
Wendy xx
