Tears, Pain and Frustration...

Have you ever had everything build up on you so badly that you either want to scream, run away or cry until there are no tears left in the world. I guess last night I had one of those nights. I was wheezing, breathless, Steve was being an arse over some minor, petty grievances and I just couldn't cope. It was made 100 times harder when I was being rushed back in to the hospital for the second time in as many weeks. I'd never felt so defeated.

I don't even remember getting to the hospital. I remember wanting to go to sleep, Steve was ranting and arguing at me. I was scared. I was confused. What made it harder was the fact I was accused of not trying by Steve. How could he think I was not trying? There are days when I can't even walk a few feet, how am I supposed to run a household and care for someone else? I am glad he realised that I do try and I am putting in more effort in one day, than he can say for a lifetime, but I really don't want to get in to that now, nor do I fancy discussing having to explain why I was in tears to medical staff who were worried about me and what was happening to me.

My asthma is basically taking a large exception to the recent cold-snaps and the infections I keep getting so its been very twitchy and I have needed nebs and oxygen as my levels drop to some pretty serious and horrible levels. According to Steve, I was losing consciousness on several occasions, which would explain my exhaustion today. The doctor was good with me and she told me something important. It wasn't my fault and I was in the right place. Keep up my antibiotics and raise my pred a little to 50mg for a couple of days, 4 hourly nebs and get some rest and I would be OK before I knew it. I was allowed home and told to go right to bed and stay there for a few days. The problem was, I couldn't stop crying as I was upset about the whole situation at home.

I need to talk to my psych soon as I really feel that my mental problems and physical problems are winding each other up and the fact that I feel so defeated by the whole thing is not helping my mood. I think I just want a bit of normality and not medical drama around me for a while, and then I might begin to feel a bit better and less exhausted.

Loves
Wendy x

The wonders of Tramadol...

Last night was a bit of a rough night, my chest was agony (I mean really sore and I couldn't take a deep breath as it felt like someone had whacked me through a cheese grater), my temp was really high (38.7) and I was struggling again. Not good. So after about half an hour after we'd gone to sleep, Steve woke me up and got me on a neb, made me a hot chocolate and gave me a Covonia shot to help me bring up the gunk that has gathered in my lungs.

Then we went about settling the pain I was in, I had already had my Co - Codamol, so more Paracetamol or Codeine were out of the question, so we moved up to another 50mg of Tramadol. That did the trick and soon after I curled up and went to sleep quite contentedly and stayed there. Until my alarm at 10 went off to get me to take my morning round of pills, nebs and the rest of it.

I do feel a bit better after a nice long sleep and it was just what the doctor ordered really. So my mood is a little more elevated today as well which is a positive, for me at least. I want to set about doing some more missions on FF XIII, as yesterday I read in my shiny new book that if you use certain catalysts on weapons, you can get the ultimate weapons for your characters so that is what I aim to do today. Get the catalysts and make some really impressive weapons for Lightning and co. As well as give my dear friend Ant some presents that I have made for him. More on that later as they are surprises for him.

Also, I managed to fix my old 4GB MP3 player, it wasn't turning on as there was a file that was stopping it, I reset the device and formatted it and now it works happily again which is good because I used to have it in bed with me sometimes when I have trouble sleeping. That and if my lungs play up, I can take it with me to hospital and listen to music if I can't sleep. I usually take my laptop with me as well so I can watch films, chat on MSN (3 pay dongles are lifesavers) and generally pass the time while laying in bed and getting plenty of rest.

I do regret that I am falling asleep at the helm again, Tramadol makes me sleepy which right now is probably a good thing as I am not rushing around trying to look after everyone else.

Loves
Wendy xx

Twitchy Veins...

To those of us who have a long term illness, there is one major certainty. Frequent medical tests. Urine tests, x-rays, scans, PFT's (pulmonary function tests) and my least favourite of all. Blood Tests. This morning I had one to check on my liver and glucose levels (2 of my medications cause diabetes so it was much better to be safe than sorry) as well as a full blood count. So off I toddled to my surgery and I waited in the nurse's waiting room.

Upon being called through by the Phlebotomy nurse, I got a sinking feeling as she examined my arms looking for a vein. This has never been easy. Instead I had to wait to see the Sister. She found a vein in my hand and stabbed it. After 40ml, the vein decided to give up the ghost and collapsed. Unfortunately this happens to me a lot and it is an uncomfortable occurrence. I felt bad for the poor nurse as she was very worried as she said she had never dealt with someone with veins like mine.

So now this means only a doctor can get blood from me, which means that blood work is going to be a pain, literally.

I don't get a fat lot of luck these days, but as always, I will keep a positive attitude and keep going as I have come so far in all of this.

Loves
Wendy x