It is uncanny isn't it how something simple like a picture or an old song can evoke all kinds of emotions and memories of things. For me it comes from music, often songs that I heard on the radio or way back when, Kerrang! or other places. These songs make me remember who I was, who I am and I start bouncing around like crazy again. It was great fun, but it was absolutely exhausting once I had finished and sat myself down again for nebs and more rest.
Back when I was a teenager, I was one of those kids who would be found with my headphones and loud punk, metal and other kinds of music. No matter how bad things were, I would always be able to comfort myself with my music and find somewhere safe to hide, usually with loud music and Final Fantasy 7. I could lock myself in my room for hours with my Playstation, my CDs and while away the afternoons from when I was taken out of school. I spent 13 weeks at home that year and during that time, I just wanted to escape from the mundane and boring world of Stafford, being bullied and being scared of my own shadow at home, a hang up from my older brother, but one I managed to work out and I became me again.
I never realised it, but in some ways, I had gone back to that scared and fretful little girl who was again scared of who she was and where she was. I found the music I used to love was such a comfort, and I started picking myself back up again. In some ways, being taken back to that dark and unfriendly place actually brought me back to a more comfortable, confident and happy place.
No matter what I went through in the past, heck even in the present, it never took away who I was. I never stopped being Wendy and I never let anyone beat me before. I never gave up this easily. I am a fighter and tough one at that, I mean, I took on a whole school by myself, admittedly, I didn't have a pretty win, but a win was a win to me. I stood up to some of the meanest and nastiest people and didn't flinch, and I fought against my own flesh and blood to make sure that I was allowed to be free, and I won. Maybe, I was worried that admitting to things would mean that they would win and I would be better off dying somewhere, then I worked out that thinking that way was actually a loss. I let things beat me, not through anything other than not even admitting to the problems in the first place.
Someone very close and special to me gave me a piece of artwork for Christmas, and I read, re-read and it clicked what it meant. "A person who is scared of themselves hides behind a mask." I really was that person who was scared of herself and I wore a mask of "I'm fine, there is nothing wrong" and a painted smile. Only a few people who really knew me really saw through it, one of who, it was almost as if he felt it too. Its weird how me and Nathaniel have that bond, its closer than any friend, lover or anything else could be, and it was always the reason as to why we never would have worked as a couple. We are just way too close in just so many ways. It is like he is the other part of me and its so strange at times.
As for Steve, well there are times, I really wonder if I am worth it for him, I am constantly ill. I sleep all day and am taciturn for another day. I never share how I feel about anything and pretend that things run off my back, but I guess it doesn't always and it was never weak to admit that to anyone. I drag up the past as a way of protecting myself from what happens around me, purely because I just can't understand what is going on sometimes and can't relate to it. I can be very selfish and very cruel when I feel cornered. I like to run away from things and am always beating myself up over my roles in what happened back then. Maybe I do what I do so that I can be blamed for something to justify that I am not worth it and I need to be shouted at.
I guess now it is time that I actually talk about how I feel and the things I cannot do. Ant, his comment that offended me as much as it did and made me feel so bad was that there was no excuse to not have a job. Now at the time, I felt very offended as it was almost as though someone had gone up to someone in a wheelchair and said "There is no reason not to walk" and I guess I should have said something much sooner rather than letting it build up. He did appologise to me and told me he didn't intend to cause that much offense. We hugged, and made up. I felt better but I really have no intention to ever return to Omen Shadow, thinking about it, my health just wouldn't stand up to it anymore.
No, I can't walk too far without running out of puff. Somedays I struggle to get dressed or even bathe myself when I get tired and ill. Small jobs are sometimes difficult and even my drawing can be too difficult. I am always in pain and feel miserable and lonely because of that. And sex, well that doesn't go very far as I feel so unsexy as my body is ravaged by stretch-marks, sagging skin on my breasts and stomach. I almost look like a balloon that was inflated and then deflated. How could anyone want THAT? How could anyone find that attractive? I push Steve away because I am embarrassed by what I look like, how I struggle and I think in some ways, I hope he'll go away so that he can find a beautiful girl with no excess skin or stretch marks. A girl who can go for hours. A girl who doesn't need help with personal care or anything like that.
I have laid myself bare for a change, please read this with no judgements, I just wanted to set myself straight and how I really felt about things as well as having my chance to actually say my piece with no-one to interrupt.
2 years ago