"Face each day with both eyes open wide."-from "The Answer Lies Within" by Dream Theater, Octavarium 2005.
My amazing friends and family. My boyfriend Jace. My Guinea Pigs, Final Fantasy VII, Sephiroth, Swords, Books, Music, Drawing, Designing tattoos, Getting Tattoos and Piercings, Gaming, Anime. Random photos, Tormenting Sims. In a nutshell, I love life.
Liars and Hypocrites, Cheats, Fakes, Needles, People who prejudice against me before knowing me, Laziness, Ignorance. When my spine decides its going to spaz out for no reason. Stupidity. Benefit delivery centres.
I was born in Stafford, a small town near Stoke On Trent. I didn't really grow up in a typical household, nor did I really have the ideal school life. I was bullied from a young age and as a result I became a bit of a loner and learned to enjoy my own company, or the company of what I could only think were "imaginary" friends. They often helped me and provided me with comfort or just someone of something to talk to.
After a lonely childhood and various forms of emotional, physical and sexual abuse (which was never dealt with either by the people who could or it was covered up) I was obviously a confused teenager and that didn't really come to an end. By the time I was 16, I was hearing voices in the back of my head and would often have small bouts of anger fuelled by fear. Sometimes the scariest thing that you can ever experience is your own angry self conscious and when it tells you that you need to listen, you had better do so or you could end up in a worse place. I had also attempted to take my own life at least twice and I found it near enough impossible to find anyone who I could trust or talk to, but things have looked up.
Over the last few years I have become sick with Type 1 Brittle Asthma. To those of you who have never experienced asthma or asthma attacks, they can be a terrifying experience and its like every part of you is scared all at once while you try and breathe, but just can't. I am dependent on a number of medications for my asthma as well as numerous other conditions, but I always strive to make sure that my illness doesn't define me or become the only thing I am good at. I believe in the idea of having as much fun as possible so on the day that we finally hobble off this planet, then there are plenty of memories to keep you in everyone's hearts for as long as they need you there. OK so admittedly I do a lot of things that some people would call daft or immature, but you know what, "You only live once" doesn't just have to be an excuse to be a prat, it can be the reason you can live for today and actually enjoy life instead of wasting your time.
I love to blog, whether it is in a point of view (my Tumblr blogs for characters I role-play as) or even just on my blog about an interest that I enjoy. I find it both enjoyable and sometimes just theraputic to get my thoughts out of my head and in to something else. I try and work my writings in to my daily life and in some strange way, I firmly believe that had it not been for my illness, I wouldn't be anywhere near as happy as I am now, in a clear sense of perspective and I would never have seen how strong I really am as a person. I have strong opinions and agree with others who say that a closed mind should come with a closed mouth and that by throwing up things from the past, it shows how badly you are trying to hold someone back.
I guess after years of being a person I hated in a mediocre life in a shabby room in Church Hill, I spent the last year and a half in reinventing myself and finding my way back to the person I was, albeit older and wiser. Now I am close to that person again, I am never letting her go. She is the person I was, am now and will always be. Strong, resolute and generally a cheerful person with a lot to give to the right people, and its because of them that I am where I am now, I thank Becky, Jace and Ant, George and Natty for everything they did for me then, and all the time and love they offer to this day.
In my life, I have been bullied at school, raped by bullies, abused by people who I never believed would, beaten and even stabbed with a screwdriver by an ex-boyfriend (yeah, I am done hiding that now because to be honest, by hiding it, that person wins, anyone wants to see my scar then please, feel free to ask as I am not hiding anything, person "doesn't remember" because he was whacked out on my pain meds, which he stole regularly and would often make me sick with a view to getting more of a supply, but I ditched that loser and I am not interested in him or his "antifeminist" (AKA misogynist (anti women and male supremacist e.g."women are evil because...") views, people have linked me to his blogs which I found rather funny but to be honest, all I could see was yet another pathetic attempt to make me look bad and I am so much better than that.) and yet here I am, still standing and still able to take on anyone who thinks otherwise. I fight for what I believe in and I believe in the people who I fight for.
Last year (2014) I was diagnosed with a new complication to my asthma, pulmonary fibrosis. This has happened as a result of almost constant chest infections and asthma flare ups. I was told on the 4th June 2014 that my life expectancy would be affected and eventually I would need a transplant. I did lung function tests this year in April and they showed my function was, at best, 40% with the working alveoli working at 50% efficiency. It was then that I was told that unless I can get listed, I could only expect 5-7 years, so I will do whatever it takes, no matter how much it hurts, to get that transplant. That was a heck of a blow and it took time, patience and people around me to get to grips with it. I have been on home oxygen for over a year now and it has improved my life more than I ever thought something could. I am only moving forward and looking to make drastic changes to my life, which is something I hope to update as it comes.