I may not be religious...

But my Alphonse does need as much luck, good wishes and prayers as he can get. The news isn't looking too good, the Vet has doubts, as he has lost more weight and hadn't started eating for himself just yet. It is all riding on tomorrow's appointment. If there is no improvement then I need to make the toughest decision I think I ever could.

The sad reality is that we could really lose our little pig. If Alphonse hasn't started improving enough tomorrow, we will have to consider is all this really worth making such a sweet animal suffer. I think I would rather say goodbye and hold him as he goes than spend more time watching such a wonderful pet go downhill that bad. It is heartbreaking and I know it is really hurting him and I hate seeing him suffer like this. As much as it hurts, I would have to have him put to sleep.

I don't know if I am ready to say goodbye, but I love him WAY too much and I know I have to do whats right for my animal, even if it means heartbreak. This what love is, the willingness to let myself hurt so that something or someone that I love doesn't have to. Currently he is lying on the hay, dozing and getting some rest, although I think I managed to get 200-250ml of feed in to him, so thats a start.

It all rides on tomorrow.

Loves
Wendy xx

Things bugging me...

Ever have one of those days where there is just so many things bugging you that you can't seem to just have quiet serenity? I think today is one of those days. I spend so much time taking the step back from my problems and looking at them from another perspective that I forget to take the step forward. As a result, I forget that the thing I was looking at was actually the reality of my own life, and its like a bubble bursts and all I can see is the cold reality of what my life is and that leaves me feeling blue and longing for my old life.

My old life was a lot more positive and comfortable and my body wasn't slowly falling apart from under me. I used to be able to walk for miles and not have to think about inhalers, nebulisers or a cocktail of pills that keep me going. I guess thats why I started getting annoyed with Steve telling everyone and anyone about his 50mg of Sertraline and shouting about it in public. These things aren't a novelty, they are real things and they have real effects on you. I take the same drug, and I have 3 times that and I don't complain about it or boast as NO ONE CARES. Maybe what rattled my cage is the fact he was on about having 1 pill a day, when I have a whole mess of pills and other things, call me silly, but I thought that was a little insensitive and tactless, but that could be just me.

I guess I never wanted to see what was happening to me as its not pretty nor is it fun. It makes me wonder why someone would want to be exactly in my shoes?

Loves
Wendy x

Feeling off...

I guess by now, I would have really expected to have been feeling loads better by now and my asthma wouldn't be anywhere near as twitchy or a pain in the neck. I am feeling a bit better I will admit but its not as far along as I would have wanted to be. My Peak Flow has barely been over 250 l/min after a nebuliser and even as low as 90 l/min before hand. So you can imagine my frustration as I keep up with my regimen of pills, nebulisers and inhalers.

I'm barely eating much at the moment and all I seem to want to do is play on Sims 2, sleep and sew. The problem is, at the moment all of these seem to leave me shattered and even the smallest movements leave me gasping for breath. I can't lie on my left side at all right now or I can't breathe at all and am coughing up thick green mucus which I get the feeling that if it weren't for the saline, I wouldn't shift at all. I have my appointment with Dr Pike tomorrow so hopefully we can make a decision on this one as the fluid hasn't budged by itself yet, although it probably won't until the infection clears up. The kicker, this is the same infection I have been fighting since last month, but each course has just backed it down and its flared right back up again. I have had this before and it nearly resulted in an ITU admission which I really don't wish to be facing again.

I guess what this is, is a general answer to all those who are ask me how I feel right now, its so complex and its a nightmare to keep saying it over and over again when even typing 1 or 2 words make me feel shattered. I know its stark and I haven't pulled any punches, frankly, I find that pulling punches on this one would be for the good of no-one. I can't lie, I am still not well, and it is an up hill thing. One thing is for certain, I WILL GET THROUGH THIS. I always do.

*EDIT*
Went to see housing officer about the excessive noise problem which has made life miserable for myself and Steve, and he is going to investigate and take action against them and what they have been doing. On the downside, going out in the freezing cold and ice has left me decidedly worse for wear. Luckily I have an appointment tomorrow with Dr Pike, unfortunately means if I get worse, I have to either hold on for dear life or go to hospital. Whew!

Much Love
Wendy xx

I could never get the hang of Wednesdays....

Is it me or does each day have it's own specific feeling? Monday is the beginning of the week, we're all gearing up for the week ahead. Tuesday has the restless feeling of busying away, and Wednesday always feels a bit flat and people feel apathetic.

On a plus side, after 2 hours of calling about 3 different numbers and arguing with so many different parts of the DWP (first we were worried we would need a crisis loan, THEN I had to call Worcester Benefit Delivery Centre,  told to call back in an couple hours while they sorted it out, Steve had to call RE: JSA can't pay him anymore, but he still has to sign on, even though his money comes from my ESA (joint claim or something) THEN I had to call another number, explain everything for the 18th time in the last week) in order to get my ESA money sorted so we could make rent and do this important thing, like eating for the next week. Money was in. We were happy about that.

Then again, last night wasn't that easy. I was so upset because I thought that maybe me and Steve weren't working any more. After a talk with Vicky, Stacey and Nat, I had a good heart to heart with Steve and I am happy to say it strengthened us. It gave me an outlet and I cried for the first time in months, I actually had a good cry, and it made me feel 100% better about how I felt. About coming to terms with my illnesses and what that meant to me. I am stubborn about everything.

I suppose I was fighting against everything as I never wanted to admit how ill I was or how hard life had become for me. I kept on trying to live as I was before all of this. I never realised how much I was putting on myself and it was so foolish, and so very stubborn. Most importantly I was WRONG and I am sorry for all the times I have scared the people I love the most.  

So we had to go shopping for our food and other stuff for the next 2 weeks. I hope this isn't going to happen every 2 weeks or I might go a bit potty. Or more potty. None of this has helped my lungs and they really had a strop after brushing my hair (!) and I wheezed my way back to my nebuliser. 5mg of Ventolin and 500mcg of Atrovent and I was ready to go out.

Have started some vitamin and mineral supplements to help my immune system and joints through the winter so hopefully I will not be swearing every time I go up and down stairs. My knees are very sore and stiff because of the large amounts of steroids I use to keep going. Not pleasant! The phrase "the price we pay for the games we play" springs to mind here.

Love Ya
Wendy x

Finishing my HND

You know what they say about when opportunity knocks, well, they say that we should answer. I am most certainly going to answer this golden opportunity that has been offered up to me, it is definitely nothing to sniff at. This chance is of course to finish my Higher National Diploma in Media Studies.

I started my course 2 years ago after my 1st gap year. I was so psyched about it and really wanted to do this. I worked so hard in my first year and I loved it. But I became very ill, and nearly died as a result. I pushed so hard to get to the 2nd year, 6 months work done in 2 days of solid grind. In my 2nd year, my health just took it's toll on me and I never finished my course. I was so gutted. I cried for days, I'd worked so hard and because of the situation, my illness and everything else, I'd never felt so defeated and worthless. Made worse on the day that my peers graduated. I felt so robbed as I should have been standing there with them, getting my diploma and grinning like mad. Alas it wasn't to be and I went back in to my own depression. Not fun.

My ray of hope really shone in when I got a letter from my Tutor Sean, offering me the chance to finish.

Now I know, I CAN DO THIS!!

Loves
Wendy x