A new week begins and a with it a whole new set of challenges and things to do, things to organise and things to think about. Its nice to have gone a week without being taken to the hospital (something that for me is a big win, even if it sounds like only a small one to others) and another week where I have enjoyed being part of a household where there are two of us. I love having the company around and having a reason to smile. When we need each other we are there and when I am tired or frustrated I know someone has my back.
Do I ever feel like just packing it in and giving up? I would be lying to myself and to you, my readers if I said no, I don't ever feel like that. The thing is that if I ever let that feeling get to me too much then what would I be left with other than an emptiness. There would be little to no point in carrying on with demanding medical treatments and doing my best to stay alive. Maybe I have shaken my world up a lot and realised that when Dexter Holland of the Offspring was writing the song "All I Want" he really was on to something when he said "I'm sick of not living to stay alive" and that line has been really speaking out to me.
How easy is it to let my disability take over and say "I can't because of X Y and Z" and not doing anything because I am too afraid of it. I mean when I was pottering around my garden (I do it little by little) I wasn't thinking "No... I can't" I was just smiling and saying "Yeah... I will try at least". It took 3 nebs and it took me being seriously exhausted afterwards, but I cleared and weeded the path of the garden. Its not the biggest thing to do with my day, but you know something, I sat on the path and smiled as I thought "I did that", shortly before going inside, starting the nebuliser and then sitting there trying my hardest to breathe in. It could have ended so easily with me in the back of an ambulance, but I knew how not to push myself. Knowing ones own limitations is as big a part of being disabled as actually having an illness to begin with. I know this was probably something that someone could do in minutes and it did take me a long time, but I was so proud of myself. I did that.
The garden will take a while, what with my limitations and other reasons, but you know what, it will be a labour of love, between friends and extended family!
4 years ago