Over the last year I can safely say that it is the bonds I have had with other people that have kept me from losing my rad or sinking in to some kind of pool of despair. I have many acquaintances, but a handful of close friends and a small family. We all support each other and we learn from each other as well. Its nice to have good, honest people around me. My friends and family mean a lot to me and even though we have all come together in an unconventional way.
Since having Becky move in, its been nice to have another person around, someone to encourage me to ditch some habits that are frankly awful for a young lady to have. The worst habit I need to conquer is the urge to chew my nails and fingers to death. It leaves my hands really sore and I have gone down to the point where my hands are bleeding. It's something I started doing when I was really young. I got bullied a lot in school and as a result I have a nervous disposition. In times where I become tense or nervous about something, I tend to chew my fingers to death.
I'm conquering a lot of things, often by asking for others to help and advise. The other bad habits I am conquering is stammering (something that has started in recent years), swearing, constantly asking permission to do things in my own home (I have had to stop asking if it's OK that I have a neb rather than just doing it because I need to) and shaking when out and about from nerves. A lot of my bad habits are nervous ones that have developed from being around domineering people, something that I have made a point to get away from. Because of the people who support me and helped me realise that I am not as weak as I was led to believe.
I have never once said that I am perfect and that I have never done wrong. That would be naive and frankly arrogant. I am neither. I am human, by definition I am flawed by design. I just refused a long time ago to carry on the conflicts and making sure that I blogged about more interesting things. I damaged my physical and mental health by trying so hard to be what everyone else perceived as perfect. I forgot about what was important. I lost myself in some ways and needed to rediscover that person again and you know what? I like that person and I think I missed her when she went away and got lost among everything else. I forgot sometimes about the things that have got me to that place. Things like my indomitable spirit, that smile that can light up a room and the courage to say "Yeah that sucked, but lets see what else is happening". Thats who I always was and now its who I always want to be.
A recent purge of old poorly fitting clothes (most either WAY too big or WAY too small) has made me curious about buying some new clothes. Particularly band t-shirts and other shirts that really sum me up in 1 or 2 cleverly printed ways. The real Wendy is a very bright and colourful character who loves nice clothes and taking time on her appearance. Being single for a while helped me get back to that person and get to know her. That person is a bright, energetic and vivacious young girl, eyes sparkling with potential and always knowing how to get to where she needed to be. I never want to let go of that person again.
3 years ago