This weekend was a bit of a change of pace for both Becky and myself. We had an old friend of mine, George who worked for 6 months with disabled children in Uganda, and spent an afternoon talking about life, the universe and everything. It was so refreshing to spend an afternoon with a glass of wine, good friends and a generally happy atmosphere. I will admit at chez Wendy and Becky, the atmosphere is generally one of mirth and that generally happy feeling. Its been so much of a positive change of pace from little more than a year ago.
In myself I am a more cheerful individual and I have lost so much weight. Admittedly at 14 stone was not a weight I ever wish to be again and it did have a negative impact on both my health and my confidence. But losing the weight was worthwhile, even if it didn't improve my asthma that much, but then again living with Type 1 Brittle Asthma with infectious phenotype (prone to recurrent infections which have left my lungs weak and full of scarring and inflammation) and about 1/2 my lungs actually working then its no wonder that some days that I can feel a bit frazzled.
Not that I complain though, I do understand that even though my condition is hard going, there are some people out there who are going through a lot worse. I guess the trick is perspective. Being ill is NOT a contest, but there are a minority of people who think that being more ill is the biggest goal in all of this, rather than looking for proactive ways to improve their own quality of life and make it so that their illness doesn't them as much as possible. Again, I do not say that this is easy, once you get in to a rut, it is difficult to get back out of it, but you should still try.
I like to spend my days amusing myself with simple pleasures. Music, art, writing and film. Regardless of what is wrong with me, I am still the Wendy Jayne Bostock I have always been. I had to find and bring that person back to where she should have been. I am glad that back when I was at my lowest point, no one was around much. My friends would have barely known me, but it is them who helped me dig myself up, dust myself down and say "right, lets go!". People's support wasn't the exact reason I got myself out of the rut, it was more about me realising that I was worth more than I was allowing myself to be. Or what other people wanted me to be.
I hated who I was and what I was slowly becoming. I was overweight, miserable and sometimes I wondered how much of an influence that had on my body and my moods. My confidence was shot, I didn't sing, I didn't draw. I did none of the things that were the most characteristic of me. It was like I wasn't actually Wendy Bostock anymore, but the cowardly and nervous Wendy Fullard who was bullied and angry with the world. When I changed my name, I hoped that person would have disappeared along with the past that I was carrying around my ankles as a kind of shackles. I will admit it was vile having to read about things that if I would have wanted to see them publicised like that, then I would have done it myself, but I realised something else. I won't let my past define me or be used as a method of control ever again. Yes things happened. Yes they sucked. But that is the PAST. The past is something that cannot be changed, but it doesn't have to have a constant bearing on your life now. I am not ashamed of anything that happened to me. I don't regret anything. The good, the bad, everything made me strong enough to carry on.
I also worked out that to quit, let myself die, that would be such a waste. Even more so if I allowed someone to bully me in to silence with underhanded tactics would be the complete opposite of who I am and what I stand for. When I had near enough a whole school doing what they did, not to mention the events at home, I never lay down and let myself die like that. I just tried to keep my head down, reminding myself that this is just a period in my life. Much like the problems I have had with my health and having my personal things published like that. By not rising to it and taking the high ground, carrying on and knowing that the people who matter know me for who I am and they won't let anything change that.
3 years ago