Today has been really rough for me, my breathlessness has been so intense at times and I was barely able to do an awful lot today. I get so frustrated as there is a million and one things I would have liked to have gotten done today, and I couldn't do it. I got breathless and had to neb until I felt better. Luckily it has just been a case of taking my medicines and getting some rest and I caught my breath.
All I want to do sometimes is sleep, or cry because I am worn out by the whole thing and its frustrating when you have to hold on to this strong façade maybe in the hope that no one notices just how you feel, so that they can't use it as a weapon. I pretend to laugh, but there are times when I really just feel down. I have this problem. I can't cure it. I can't catch a break in so much at the moment which I find is the most distressing part and I feel as though I am just losing out. Big time.
OK so I will admit that this isn't exactly what I was expecting to be by this point, nor where I was hoping to get to. At 23, I was hoping that I would now be working as a Media Studies tutor, or just working and doing something with my life, living in a cool loft conversion, maybe even preparing to get married or leave the UK for good. Not stuck in the YMCA, unemployed and too sick to work and feeling pretty miserable about things. I know we all hit those points in life, but I am starting to wonder when things start to get better, do they start getting better? I wish there was an easy answer in all of this, I do, but sometimes I guess you have to just accept it. Things are the way they are because that is what they are. Even if it sucks at times.
I don't want to admit defeat nor sink in to a pit of melancholy and self pity, BUT I would like to take the chance to accept my position and look at a more positive outlook on things, maybe they will get better, maybe not. I just have to make the best of what I have, and learn to be happy in that. Yes there are times I just feel like sobbing and not stopping, but where would that have gotten me? Someone I admire for her strength, would she have broken down and cried, I doubt it, so I refuse to let this all drag me down.
3 years ago