Am I the only person who absolutely hates that question? I mean I know its one that is asked so that people can find out how you feel and how things are going, but for me, it is where I really fall down. I have never been one to admit to myself how I really feel, let alone admit things publicly. One thing I have noticed that this blog has given me is that place that I can actually talk about how I feel and what was on my mind. I will admit there have been times when I have typed out a long post about how I honestly feel about things, read it back and then deleted the lot.
Whenever anyone asks me if I am OK, I have always gone with what my mother taught me. She always used to say that there was always someone else who was worse off than you and that you should be thankful for what you have. I was told this especially after asthma attacks when I would be flat out for at least a day and would either sleep or not really do much else. She used to call me lazy if I wanted to sleep all day, threatening to drag me through the intensive care unit to see what "Real" sick people look like. It was only after a couple of bad episodes where I was saved by my supervisors at work (funnily enough I used to work at Stafford Hospital), one of which I was very ill and they were worried I would die, that my mother realised how unpleasant my asthma could be at times.
The problem is, I have always blocked out how I feel and pretended everything is OK, even when I was at the point of dropping. Heck, I still do it now and I pretend that I am fine, even when I'm lying in hospital being given this that and the other and still struggling to breathe. They only find out how sick I am, only through examinations and tests, often taking people by surprise as I push myself to look and appear so well.
Last night's episode wasn't that complicated and it was luckily resolved by nebs and later advice from my GP to up my Pred and lower it slowly (I'll see him in a week or so, so he can help me reduce slowly and at a pattern that won't make me get even sicker). My oxygen levels were a bit crappy and I was barely awake by the time the paramedic came. He didn't want to wait for the wagon and took me in the car. Oxygen and nebs on the go. I was kept on the oxygen for a while after the 3 nebs and left to rest. I was completely exhausted and it was thought that some kind of flu virus was what triggered me. Although I was exhausted and lungs were still twitchy, I was discharged with no extra pred, I was wise enough to speak to the doctor, with the help of JP. I am glad I went with my gut instinct and got everything checked.
I went to see Dr Pike today in the company of JP. We talked about my last few admissions and he explained that my asthma is way out of control and it could have gone off over anything, heck thats what it seems to do best at the moment. But it is at the point where we all know it will take something specialised to get me back on the even keel again. I really don't know how I could make this positive, but I just feel like, I don't know, I have taken a leap forward and several steps back in all of this and I don't understand why when in October/November time I was doing just that little bit better. Why did things get as bad as they have again and what can I do about it. I feel so at the bottom of the ladder again and it just grew another 10 levels.
I will get there though. Even if it kills me.
2 years ago