I think after a week or so of trying my hardest to try and work through a virus and carry on as normal, its finally been getting to me and I hate to admit it, but I really don't feel well at all. Maybe its because it is the first time in years since I was unwell on my own and actually ALLOWED to feel like this that I found it all the more daunting and worrysome. I guess I am still expecting someone to start yelling at me or making me feel worse or like I'm not trying to do things when I am and its plain to see to everyone.
I still have days when I feel like I can't do this and that I think I am failing, but slowly I am learning that it isn't a failure so long as I can still get up off my backside and keep trying. I guess there are days where I struggle more than others and it is hard to know when you're not failing but just doing what you can, when you can. I am a strong person. Only because for so long I had to be strong rather than way back when I was a small girl and I'd not dare show any strength or individuality. I promised myself that I would never let myself be vulnerable or weak ever again and those days remind me that even so, I, like many others out there, have a number of limitations and disabilities.
From problems with my chest and back which make me feel weakened physically and problems with my mental health, which often can and are used as weapons against me. It left me at that point where I stopped opening up or even trying to accept what I am. I have always been teased for the way I stand, walk and my lack of athletic ability. My use of inhalers and other things to make sure I functioned properly and didn't become ill at school. I hid who I was and the things that I liked so that they could stay as something pure for me, and for me alone.
Tom brings me out of my shell and is one of the few people in my life that I have never felt distrustful or hurt by. Even after knowing each other for 6 years or so and being close friends for so long. We needed the dysfunction in our lives in order to grow and mature so that we were both ready when the time had come and when it did come, we were not disappointed. In fact we were able to embrace each other and become something wonderful together. He helped me grow and saved me from myself.
I realise that there has been a lot of mudslinging lately and I for one want no more to do with any of it. Yes I was betrayed, but I was by no means a saint and I am sorry for my part in things. I am not perfect. I am human just like everyone else. I need to be loved and need to trust others in the same way that anyone else does. I make mistakes. Heck I forget to do things just like everyone else, but that is the thing with humans. They make mistakes, and forget things. They hurt each other and themselves. I am not going to drag up the details of mine and Steve or mine and Mike's relationships. What happened in the past is just that and it is honestly time now that it was all put to bed. This is the closest thing I can offer anyone to closure, and for now, it has to be enough because I really don't know what else can be said. I am learning a lot about myself by living alone and it helps me grow and become a real person.
3 years ago