I think the issue that had been distressing me most was the issue of an absent parent who left me with more emotional scars than the sibling that left various physical ones and permanent injuries to parts of my body. As a result of the things that happened, I was left with various scars, damage to my ribcage from multiple undetected fractures which from a test were shown to be inflicted from ages as young as 11 and 12 years old. Damage to the bones in my throat, and lower spine, damage to discs and a curve in my spine with means that I walk and stand at a slant and not to mention damage to my facial bones from where I was hit in the face by people. For someone whose "family" would like to assume that my childhood was free any physical and emotional abuse, I seem to have a LOT of unexplained injuries don't I?
One of the damages to my lower spine was an accident and my eldest brother would NEVER have thought of injuring me like that deliberately. It is a shame that prompt treatment was never provided for whatever reason as I would have been spared the permanent damage to the lower part of my spine which can be so painful some days that even simply walking to the toilet can be excruciating and those days I have to use a crutch to get around, lest I lose sensation in my legs again. This could mean I could need surgery on this sooner rather than later. I don't blame my brother for the accident. He was a kid and he never meant any harm. My mother should have known better and should have gotten a spinal injury like that seen to, and I am told that I have been lucky that the small fractures had not caused me to become paralysed.
I think just lately, I have been re-evaluating the relationships in my life and cutting away the people who have caused me nothing but harm, heartache and making me feel very unimportant and disallowed to get the help I need for the complex assortment of physical and mental health problems that I have been left with as a direct result of people who I should have been able to trust and who should have helped me when I needed it. I then decided that maybe people like that should not be allowed a part in the life I have, as it would be their ambition to tear away everything I have and whittle me down to a small girl who would never be able to have her own life. Not how I ever want to be. Ever Again.
So my new family seems to comprise of my Nan Jordan who pretty much raised all 3 of us at one stage or another, although myself and my middle brother never lived there, she was more of a maternal instinct in our lives, regardless of what anyone else would say. My Auntie Rose who has always stayed in touch with me and kept me up to date, not to mention her husband and my Uncle Anthony and their little child, Daniel. My Brother Richard who has always looked out for me and helped when I needed it, we have had the usual fights siblings have, but he has always treated me like a sister and not a physical and emotional punching bag as well as his little children Katie who is becoming a right little madam and Lincoln, the new baby of the family. Throughout my childhood, Nan, Auntie Rose and Richard were among the few people who saw through what my mother wanted other people to see and think as to where my injuries were coming from. If he had seen it, I know Rich would have stopped our other brother from doing what he was doing.
My family has gotten bigger lately. Now I am with Tom, I have been accepted in to his fold with his housemates and as a part of the family by Joey and their son Oliver along with Joey's new partner Dave. I am honoured that I was called Oliver's Step Mum the other day and that really did bring a smile to my face.
It has taken me a long time, but I have finally found my niche in life and its amazing. Even though certain people want to see this life crumble and fall at my feet, I know for a fact that the way things are now is permanent and I never want that to change ever again.
"I will not stray. I will trust this love and with it keep on living."