Liberation...

I have finally managed to cut some rather damaging binds from my life as of late and I have to say that to have finally found the courage and strength within myself to do so has started making the difference. I am sick of having to restrain exactly what I think or have to say just because some minor acquaintance may not like it for whatever reason. To be honest if you want to be like that about something that was none of your business to begin with nor was it your place to say anything due to your rather obvious lack of evidence and only going by your own experiences, then chances are you were not worthy of my time in the first place and I was better off just taking what you say with a pinch of salt.

I am not going to give people the satisfaction anymore in allowing them to get to me nor allowing people to try and train me on their leash for whatever reason. I am me. DEAL WITH IT. Accept me for who I am. If you can't then quite frankly you can go and fuck yourselves because I am not going to stop being who I am. A bit aggressive I know but I am getting sick of people looking down their noses at me or trying to make me doubt both myself and the team of specialists who take care of me for my various conditions. So the moral to the story to anyone who wants to assume they know all about medicine, unless you have been to medical school. DON'T. You will KILL or seriously injure someone.

I am reminded of when my psych actually told me to tell a certain someone that because he was trying to make trouble and had been handing out prescription medicines like Smarties. Not to mention that they were his MOTHER's tablets and not his own, but I digress. The result of that was that someone I knew wound up in the throes of an addiction that almost destroyed his life. All because of the Dr Internet way of thinking.

Now, I myself have gone through a battery of tests and we are still trying to work out what the cause of the deformity in the lumbar area of my spine is, amongst other problems such as my asthma and recurrent chest infections. My back pain could be anything from a birth defect to the result of some weakness or injury exacerbated by osteoporosis, a condition I have acquired due to the fact that over the last 3 years I have been taking a large dose of the steroid medication, Prednisolone. The effects of this have been well documented over the years. My bone density has been reduced significantly and as a result my bones break so easily, not something that is particularly pleasant, but we are working on trying to strengthen my bones. Either way, as soon as this is fixed, I will be a lot happier and will be glad to not have pain or loss of sensation in my legs as this can be troublesome and can be the result of countless embarrassing situations. (Stumbling and knocking over a cup in a crowded room being one of them!)

But as for people who want to cause trouble and make me feel inferior or bad about myself for being open about things (or even something as petty as they don't like that they could be wrong about something), they can go and fuck themselves. I have a lot of people in my life. Good people. Who make me feel like I am a part of what they do and they genuinely care about me and my wellbeing. I am better off without people who decide that because they are in a bad mood, then the rest of the world should be, or go crying to other people then complain when it all goes up in smoke or they got proven wrong.

Last night I really had a chance to let my hair down and feel like a 23 year old again, not a 73 year old. Yes I have health problems, and yes I am in pain. BUT why should I sit around the house moping and wallowing in self pity when I could be out making a life for myself for a change? If you think about it, it makes more sense to go and enjoy life, make the most of things and stop looking for reasons to have a go at other people because you're having a bad day.

On my bad days, I like to just relax, watch some DVDs or find something to at least make me smile and there are lots of things that can do just that. From a group of us in a nightclub singing "It's My Life" at the top of our lungs to a simple gesture such as Tom taking off his prized reaper pendant and putting him around my neck. There is a lot of beautiful moments to be had, if you let them.

Oh and one final thing, before you make any assumptions, I am not referring at all to you Steven. I am sorry, but I am moving on with my life and dealing with other sources of unhappiness in my life.

Loves
Wendy xx