I've been here for 3 months now, and the inside of the flat looks like something really special. Just a few finishing touches here and there and the inside will be all done. So now my attention has turned to the small and somewhat unruly side garden. Today, me and Penny pulled up and disposed of a lot of weeds and stinging nettles. It needed doing and half the garden now looks tame and all it needs now is the rest sorted out and some membrane and stones laid down to make a rockery of sorts.
Well that's the plan anyway. I want my garden to be low maintenance as I am not much of a gardener. My mother loves it. But I never could be bothered with the outside work. I am more of an "indoor girl" and love making my interior look good. I just was never one for the garden. It does wreak havoc on both a bad back and a bad chest. It seems when one is irritated that the other decides it wants a go as well so sometimes it can be like a balancing act with all the different conditions and health problems I have.
I am getting there slowly and seem to be able to balance days with various activities (even on days when I don't really feel up to it), medications and appointments with all my specialists and doctors. I like my doctors and have complete trust in whatever they do as I know in myself that they know better than I what needs to be done. My orthopedic doctor (at the local Back Pain Clinic) is going to do what they can so that I can sort this problem out and be back to my old self. My psychologist is really helping me make such good steps with coping mechanisms and other ways of working with what I have rather than lamenting it. He said that I was making good steps in getting rid of people like my father and so-called friends as they were more of an anchor around my neck, trying to weigh me down and never allowing me to do what I needed to.
I have deleted an old email account that I opened at 16 and immaturely named after someone. I seldom use MSN these days anyway, I much prefer to go out and see and talk to people face to face. MSN seemed to make me lazy and made me unwilling to go out and enjoy myself. As a result, I became a shut in. The last thing anyone wants to be is someone who is closer to 30 than 20 and never goes out or makes the most of life despite my illnesses. Yes it can be difficult and does take a bit of planning, but when I have been out and done something or achieved a new goal it really makes everything just that little bit more worth it. Humans are not made to live in boxes or cages made of bricks and mortar.
This week my psych asked me to consider the relationship I have to my disabilities. Was it that I felt as though I couldn't or shouldn't do things because of them, or did I try and make the best of things and go and do what I wanted regardless of them. I would like to think that just lately, I have taken the latter approach to things rather than the former. There really is no cut off point in activity just because you happen to have some kind of problem. If that were the case then how does anyone do anything?
Yes there are days where I feel tired or I am in a lot of pain or my nerves in my legs are so compressed that they feel like lead. But when I have done something as small as walk to the shop or cleaned my flat up or even done some laundry, I really do feel good about myself. Tom has inspired me in so many ways and on those painful days he is there for me. Even if its just something as simple as a cuddle or some gentle encouragement to get up and do something or take a little walk even if I need to use my crutch or my nebuliser. He is there, willing to work with me and telling me I CAN do these things. It IS possible.
I am also embracing living by myself and looking after myself as best as I can. Yesterday, I stood and cooked myself a meal, even though I was in pain and wheezy when I was done. I did it. I managed to clean the guinea pigs out today and do some grooming and cuddles with them. I love cuddle time with them and I know they all enjoy it as well.
So here I am, I keep going because I WANT to. I keep my true friends close to me and the people who hurt me in the past are no longer allowed in to my life. I see my family now. I am not afraid anymore because I have nothing to be afraid of, I didn't do anything wrong. All I have ever done is be honest about my life and what it means to be me and people who want to pass criticism before finding out the full story then they can if they want, but myself and the people around my know the truth and think those people the low and petty ones because they were so quick to jump to conclusions or accuse without finding out the reality of things.
I am truly thankful to my friends and those who have stuck with me throughout the years, even when I have been either so depressed that I cried all day or so angry about things that I have been snappy or bitchy. I am sorry to those who I may have hurt along the way but again I am thankful that you have understood and made allowances for when I have been in such a bad state over things.
3 years ago