I say this because I have noticed a number of people trying to work out how I felt over the last few years. Ever since a young age, I have battled various demons and always had to play the "good little girl" for my parents who to be quite frank should have never been allowed to have kids in the first place. My mother was a mess and never admitted her own doing in anything and my father, well I would rather not give him the smug satisfaction in reading what I really feel. I have allowed myself the time privately to tell him exactly what I feel, despite the head games he and my "brother" like to play.
If I really wanted to, I would say that my violent outbursts or angry tendencies would come from the fact that people have tried to control me through fear, either by making something that should be seen as a good thing (I.E: making me feel worse about being unwell or PUNISHING me for being in hospital (no matter what spin you want to put on it, it happened DEAL WITH IT FOR FUCKS SAKE!!) or making me feel unentitled to what benefits I was allowed) and then playing a victim when your arrogance and ignorance made me feel cornered. That is the in and of it. I was always just defending myself from people, yes I have been wrong, I will admit that, but I have always been a product of my environment.
My plea now is to the people from the past who I would rather not talk to, and those people I have made this (hopefully) very clear, if not I will tell you who you are.
LEAVE ME ALONE. I DO NOT WISH TO HAVE ANYTHING TO DO WITH ANY OF YOU. STAY AWAY FROM ME. STAY AWAY FROM MY HOME AND STAY AWAY FROM MY FAMILY. YOU ARE NOTHING TO ME. YOU HAD ALL THE CHANCES IN THE WORLD TO BE IN MY LIFE AND NO MATTER HOW YOU SPIN IT, YOU BLEW IT YOURSELVES AND IF YOU WANT TO BLAME ME THEN FINE, THAT IS YOUR PROBLEM AND NOT MINE.
And to Steven, if you have not already got this:
CHEW OVER THE PAST AS MUCH AS YOU LIKE, GO NUTS! BUT DO NOT AND I REPEAT DO NOT EXPECT ME TO LISTEN TO A WORD THAT COMES FROM YOU AND IF I SEE YOU ANYWHERE NEAR MY HOME AGAIN (YES I DID SEE YOU SKULKING AROUND THE OTHER DAY) THERE WILL BE POLICE AT YOUR DOOR FOR HARASSMENT. THIS IS A VERY PUBLIC WARNING. HEED IT. YOU DO NOT INTIMIDATE ME, I AM NOT AFRAID OF YOU.
AND AS FOR YOUR "WARNINGS" TO TOM, FRANKLY HE HAS KNOWN ME A FUCK LOAD LONGER THAN YOU EVER HAVE AND HE KNOWS MY PAST ALMOST BETTER THAN I DO.
I know I promised myself no more personal politics, but to be honest, I am getting rather sick of a lot of this and I just reached a point of nearly burning over. That would never be healthy and I have a lot to deal with as it is. My psych has advised me to confront people myself and tell them exactly what I want. And to be honest, typing all of this has been like having a huge boulder taken off my back, and it was been one that has been sitting there for too long and threatening to destroy my confidence and my wellbeing.
Now to enjoy the company of some wonderful people and on to a celebration of Tom's birthday!