I forgot to mention something this week. A discovery made by myself and Tom regarding my piggy Kadaj. It turned out that HE is actually a SHE. This was a big enough shock, until I realised that she had been living the lovely and cuddly Gizmo, a 6 month old Texel/Rex cross boar. As you can imagine, as nature does, things happen and poor little Kadaj, now renamed to Jenova, is now about 2 or 3 weeks pregnant, I have about 4-5 weeks to watch and wait and see what she has.
I spent last night with Tom at his place in Selly Park. OK so I wasn't what you would have called the picture of health when I got here, but after a while, my lungs decided that they had had enough of me and gave me the worst asthma attack I have had in the last week, luckily it was possible to help myself and get my nebs, although it was seriously considered that we took a trip to the local Hospital. Not my idea of fun at the best of times, but going to a hospital where no one knows me would be scary, as bad as the Alex can be at times, at least they know my asthma and the rest of the complicated list of health problems that I live with.
The most important part of that statement is the last 2 words. "Live with." That is what I do when it comes to my illnesses, I just put up with them, not because I am brave/strong or the rest of it, but because really, I don't have an awful lot of choice in the matter. It would have been so easy to start sinking in to Self Pity and "Oh my life is so horrible... I have SOO many problems" and the rest of that messy mire, but at the end of the day, where would that get me? The answer is, of course, no where. I endure my asthma because it is there, it has always been there, albeit not as bad as it is some days, but I have always suffered with it, even as a child. My mental health problems are getting better over time and I finally feel emotionally well enough to tackle a lot of other problems in my somewhat bizarre personal life.
I am not one for a normal life, it has to be said. Currently spending my time between my place and Tom's is fun. While I am in Birmingham and not Redditch, I feel this sort of calm, tranquillity. I am happy and among friends, although my friends back in both Redditch and Stafford are never too far away from my thoughts. It's weird that this time last year, I used to have panic attacks just going outside my front door, yet now, I can happily walk around town. I think a lot of my problems came from living with a rather intimidating and threatening person who would bully me in the middle of a shop if he wanted me to buy him something. Tom is the complete opposite and even declines when I offer to buy him a token of any kind. His housemates are the sweetest group of people I have met in a long time and I feel like I am part of a small, but close family.
I think at the moment, I just feel happy being, well, me. I am in a much better and happier place and the doom and gloom is really starting to clear. Yes, I may always have problems with my body and I will never feel perfectly "well", but you know what, I think now I'm not facing a lifetime of fear and loneliness, isolated within the walls of my home and not really being allowed to talk to or confide in anyone, I can face my life and really flap my wings and fly away.
2 years ago