When I feel down I tend to sit back and think for a moment. I don't think about anything but the things and people who make me happy. Its not about material possessions, those kind of things are fleeting and seldom last forever. It's about the little things that I love and treasure. Cuddles with the guinea pigs, hamster and rabbit. Going out with Becky, even if it is just to town or Sainsburys and back, and laughing and enjoying spending time with someone. Drawing, sewing, knitting or playing on my guitars or just watching a film with Jace or cuddling up together after having a wander around.
I'm lucky to have the people in my life that make me feel invincible. My friends and my adoptive family (as well as the few members of my biological family that I talk to) as well as an adoring boyfriend and the community I'm a part of. We all have each other and we all talk and trust each other. It's something that no one can ever hope to take from us. We have sorted ourselves a home and lifestyle that we deserve, its only now, a year after someone tried to rob us of that, that we have come to realise just how much we have and how much we could have lost, had it not been for the work we did to keep our place and the knowing that our home wasn't going to be taken off of us by anyone, least of all a neanderthal who makes things up as they go along rather than looking at the facts, then again, fiction can be easier to swallow than reality.
I don't think I have been this happy in a long time. With the support of those around me and the love of those most important to me, I have been able to do things I wanted to do and not things I thought I had to do. I think I long gave up on obligations and worrying about what would keep everyone else happy. No matter how hard you try it just isn't possible to do, you can't please everyone, the only person you can ever hope to keep happy when it comes down to it is yourself and do what you can for everyone else.
When I was told by my doctor that he didn't think I'd get to 25, I actually lived in fear because the closer I got, I started asking myself if time was running out. The truth of it all is, we never know exactly when and how our lives end. We all live on borrowed time and its best to think that rather than living in fear, instead spend what time you have enriching your lives and those around you. Leaving a legacy of something nice so that when it does happen, those close to you can at least have something nice to remember you by. I know I walk on a knife edge and that scares me, it really does, but maybe the fear of death that we all have instinctively is perhaps more a fear of life and living. There is a natural order to things and no potion or miracle medicine will change that. Instead I find it better that I am able to be honest with myself and by extension, honest and open with others.
I suppose life is what you choose to make of it. No one is here forever and some of us are here longer than others. There really are no guarantees in things and its much more realistic to just live in the moment. Do something wacky once in a while or just sing out loud in a public place!