It has been a very long time since I was able to enjoy being out in the sun, with either anxieties or worries that people were staring at me I had felt like some OCD freak. That and everytime I had gone out I had been worrying that someone or something would possibly cause harm or fear. I learned that I have nothing to fear and no one to make me feel like that again. To be honest I realised that there is truth to what Eleanor Roosevelt said when she said that "No one can make you feel inferior without your consent". I'm taking that to heart these days.
I woke up about 9 AM (after a rather eventful night as a result of my asthma) and sat up. I thought about things and mulled over everything in a bath that smelled like Parma Violets. I then dressed in a nice top, brushed my hair and went in to town, did some errands, OK so it was just going to the doctor to discuss something and then heading to get some food for the piggies, but what I was most proud of what the fact that I was brave enough to go out and do things without the fear of what COULD happen. In fact, me being afraid and locking myself away or even running away and leaving my home and the town I have come to call home is exactly what that one person would love to see so that in his own mind he can get what he thinks he deserves or achieve some divine purpose or whatever he thinks he will achieve.
Instead I will carry on being strong and carry on enjoying the life I have and I want to do what ever I can to improve upon what I already have achieved. I have managed so far to keep my home and not allow anyone to make me leave. I have a brilliant friend who when I am with her, I am so happy and I have something of a kindred spirit, someone who believes in me the same way that I honestly and truly believe in her and her dreams. I am lucky and have an adoring boyfriend who makes me feel special and like no one could crush me or push me down. With these people in my life, I don't feel scared to aim for everything I deserve and grow stronger, getting back to where I was or where I could have been, or whatever.
When I passed out last night, I had a dream before I woke up. In the dream was this woman who was a technician at the local college, in the media block. She played with cameras all day and she was loved by students and she knew everything inside and out. She then went out and got in to her car and drove back home to her house where the man she loved was waiting for her. She wasn't me. She was what I thought I wanted to be and she was drinking heavily through stress. She wasn't happy. I then saw another woman, this woman didn't have a fancy car or a fancy home, but she did have everything she could ever really want. I actually saw my life for what it really was and I loved what I saw. A small flat, my pets and the people in my life who make me feel great. I did an OU course on journalism and did some internet articles.
I woke with a feeling of "yeah, I can make this work for me." And you know what, fuck the past. I am going to choose my own path and find something worth passing on to the future.
3 years ago