Yesterday was a sad day for me. Over the last week, I had Jace with me and we were able to spend some quality time together. It was bliss to be with the two most important people in my life. My adoptive sister and my boyfriend. Being with them both made me feel like a whole new person. Like everything that happened was like some distant past and the future ahead of me is looking brighter than any star in the sky.
Maybe it has made me realise something. Home. Home is that place where you seek sanctuary from the outside. Home is that place where you feel safe, warm and comfortable. This place is my home. I have lived here for over a year. I decorated the place with my own flair and added my own stamp to it. My artwork colours some of the walls and I have worked my ass off to make this place as homely and comfortable as it is. Everything in here, I paid for (be it from either buying myself or borrowing money from a friend who very kindly helped me in every way possible) and chose. I would never change anything in this place for the world and I am so happy that I get to stay here (not that there was any chance that I was ever going to be removed) for many years to come.
So that means many more pleasured moments. Many more nights which start with some natural spa treatments, ice cream, films and cuddling up with my favourite girl. More nights of sleeping next to the man I love, waking up with him by my side (preferably in a bed rather than on the futon, that thing is OK for the odd night here and there, but after a week, it gets rather uncomfortable). More Christmas celebrations, more birthdays, heck even more funny cooking disasters and long nights getting frustrated and then finally emerging victorious on a game which has had us all either getting wound up or laughing so much about it.
Right now we have been sinking our teeth in to the classic Metal Gear Solid games, particularly the release of the HD Collection. We have been playing a lot of MGS2 and I have come close to the end of the game. What I enjoyed the most I think was the fact that I was running around a decomtamination plant and wreaking havoc, dressing up as an enemy soldier and hiding in a locker, shortly after causing trouble and killing several enemy troopers and leaving the corpses in several random places (the funniest of which was breaking one man's neck and flinging the body in to a stall in the ladies loos, I would have loved to see the face of the poor person who stumbled across the body) or heckling other troops for dog-tags. Playing the games again brought up some nostalgia, I remember watching my brothers play the games and when no one was around dabbling myself. The older I have gotten, the more I have actually come to enjoy the games.
I think it is very fair to say that during the process of rediscovering the real me, I have realised a few things about myself. I love the company of like-minded people and when I am dating a guy who actually sees me for who I am, I flourish. I am a massive lover of games and games consoles. I didn't need my antipsychotics to live a normal life, I just needed to rid myself of people who caused me extreme levels of emotion stress. I'm actually a nice person, certain people get my nasty side when they provoke it and try and hurt me, the people I care for or threaten my home. People who have experienced my nasty side often deserved it because of the cruel things they tried to do to me and the way I was treated.
I have worked very hard to get where I am, considering everything, and I would never actually give up without a fight. This is MY home. This is MY life and I intend to live it with the people I choose and adore and I intend to never back down and allow the rug to be pulled from under me. I also refuse to let anyone use me and abuse me like that again. I am lucky to be in the company of a friend I adore and a man who makes me feel like I am still a beautiful person despite everything.
2 years ago