I am so proud of the following my blog has had and the reaction of people who read regularly (or even some people who are new to my site). Its nice that my ramblings and thoughts really reach other people and for those who think I'm amazing or inspirational, it is the other way around. It is because of you, the people reading my blogs that I keep going and I keep on with the cathartic process. Blogging really has been that to me. It has been a place to put down my thoughts, who or what has been bugging me or even a way of talking that can make me feel better as it isn't playing on my mind constantly.
I live with my disorders every day and I understand them to a level that only few others can. Because of the amount that is known academically about Brittle Asthma and the fact that it only affects a number of people, its not a term many people have heard and its not a condition that many people understand. Heck, I live with it and there are days I just don't get what it's playing at. Some days its so hard to put in to words what I feel and why I feel that way. Some days I can write paragraphs about things.
With the combination of conditions that effect my physical and mental wellbeing, the feeling of struggling can become overwhelming. Those are the days when I just want to lie in bed all day, or cry because I feel a bit miserable, but there are other days when I just want to do as much as I can (albeit some days that isn't much but when I do things I do feel a sense of pride in myself) and I keep trying and trying to have the most normal life possible. Although this isn't always possible. Since having carers, things have been so much easier and I'm not pushing myself to the extremes and making myself unwell just by doing standard household chores.
I don't have millions of thoughts and dreams for the future. To be honest, I often find myself planning no further than a few days at a time. Live each day as it comes because yes I know it could be the last time, but you know something, if that happens then that happens. I would at least like to have gone out with no regrets, no time wasted on stupid grudges, if I don't like someone, I don't have them around, simple as that.
4 years ago