After a weekend where I was so unwell I really didn't feel like going on the computer much, I had some time to think about a lot in my life. How the choices within it have shaped and tempered me to the world outside and for the first time in a while I realised something. I like myself and who I have become. I like my stoic nature makes me take everything in my stride.
I've learned to do that a lot with my conditions. Some are getting worse admittedly and my joints are really creaky, and my back is very stiff because of the cold weather. My left arm is still stiff from shattering my elbow so spectacularly last year. It is doubtful I'll ever get full range back in the joint, but I am learning to work around it, not as an obstacle but a new and fun challenge. However my back is a less enjoyable challenge and the cold weather really does do a number on the damaged parts, but what can one do really?
I guess I've been occupying myself with some illustration work and some planning for a tattoo myself and Becky are getting in a few weeks, I don't want to say too much here as I am not revealing my design until it's on my skin, so as not to fall victim to a number of art thieves that have recently taken to stealing other people's work that they have worked so hard on. My work, however is still being submitted to Deviant Art and I seem to do an upload every few days, sometimes many in the space of 24 hours, depending in the amount of drawing I did. I don't earn any money for my drawings, but it does bring a smile on my face when I get a message or comment from someone who has enjoyed my drawing.
I draw sometimes so that I can escape pain or frustration, or even when I have been deprived of sleep again. It takes me away somewhere that I can just be, and not think about illness, doctors, treatments and hospitals. To a land where instead of being in a clapped out body, I am working in a village as a ninja and I fly through trees to battle bad guys and save the youngsters. It's a nice place. Or I go to Midgar and follow Sephiroth around for a bit, watching him being the hero he is, saving me from monsters then walking me around the fountain until we stop to just chatter about things. My fantasy worlds are a safeplace from the frustrating world of being long term sick.
Although the progress is slow in life and I still struggle with things from day to day, you know something I am in a much more positive place right now and I intend to keep on improving my life and taking pride in everything I have achieved right now. I would love someday to get back in to work and I will strive to get there if I can. If not then at least we can say I really tried in life. Rather than sinking in to a rut and wallowing in there like so many before me. I won't let the fact I struggle to get out of bed some days because my chest is bad or the fact that I get hospitalised by my asthma frequently continue to beat me. I will get through this challenge and when I do, I want to prove to all those people who are disabled like me that life can be good and we can achieve things.
4 years ago