I think my main issue right now is I am thoroughly fed up. I'm fed up of pills, potions and heaven knows what else. It's like a full time job being me I think sometimes. I will admit the monotony of days without anything to do, and not really being able to go out much by myself these days (I do try though every chance I get) and watching the same old programmes, reading the same old complaints by people who don't know the half of what a tough time can be. It's not a surprise that I have some days where I sit there and think to myself "why bother anymore?" and those days I just want to do something reckless. Luckily I don't because I remind myself that giving in would be just what the people who hurt me most would want. For me to give up and become yet another statistic.
I am strong on the surface. I keep this barrier up where no one is allowed to see the deepest things that loom under my skin. I don't tell people when I feel vulnerable or scared. Vulnerability and fear are things I fear others seeing. Once they see what can hurt, thats what they can hit you with. I don't open up to anyone without force nor do I allow people to see whats really wrong. I have always been this guarded. I'm afraid of not being so and I know this bothers people, but I am sorry but it is who I am and it's hard to let people in, past the barriers. I only did it once with my first real boyfriend and I ended up getting hurt. It left me feeling so unwanted and as though I was not worth being loved. I vowed that day that I would never allow myself to be so weak and vulnerable again. As a result only a few people are close to me. And they mean the world to me.
My quiet time recently had been faced with something I was not proud of. I've not been eating, losing a lot of weight and just not feeling right in myself. It has taken so much inner strength so that I didn't do drastic things and I had managed not to make yet another attempt. I lay there crying in bed for hours thinking of the people who would be upset had they known what I had been thinking again. I felt angry with myself for being so weak and unable to process what I had been thinking so much that I just wanted out. I was angry because I felt so selfish. I would have given anything at that moment for someone to come and kick me back in to line. Instead I did the kicking for myself, being hard on myself. I then stopped sleeping properly. Not helped by the lack of security caused by a neighbor with some kind of chip on her shoulder and the compulsion to scream and shout at 2-3 AM. It's no wonder my skin is inflamed and my scalp is littered with bald patches, eczema and the worst headache I'd had in years.
I am hoping after speaking to my Psychiatrist on Thursday, there may be some way that I can get some rest and ease my own mind. I am sincerely sorry to anyone this post may upset. That was not my intention, I just need to let off some steam before it destroys me.
2 years ago