For life's little ups and downs.

A rather quirky, funny and sometimes daunting look in to the life of someone who has a lot of health problems but does their best to keep positive. Punctuated by guinea pigs, anime, superheroes, transforming robots and cross stitching.

I started this blog to tell my story, about who I am and what I do. On top of the health problems and raising awareness for those, I also use my blog as a way to help promote other causes, particularly ones which affect the most vulnerable. I live with a number of different and complex health problems but I refuse to let anything get me down. I know how it feels to be discriminated against or thrown aside. This is me. This is my life. I live it and do what I want with it. Nature sets the limitations. We set the boundaries.

About Me:

A blog about life. I live with Bi-Polar Disorder, Obsessive Compulsive Disorder as well as Type 1 Brittle Asthma, Various Allergies, Neutropenia, Chronic IBS, Osteo and Rheumatoid Arthritis, PCOS and Osteoporosis and Heredetary Spastic Paraplegia. I live with these conditions, but I refuse to let them keep me down and out. I still try and make the most of my days despite being so poorly and having to rely on my wheelchair, nebulisers, nearly 50 pills a day and 2l/min of oxygen.

I'll flap my broken wings and erase it all someday... You'll see.

Sunday, 29 January 2012

How To Do This...

I think my main issue right now is I am thoroughly fed up. I'm fed up of pills, potions and heaven knows what else. It's like a full time job being me I think sometimes. I will admit the monotony of days without anything to do, and not really being able to go out much by myself these days (I do try though every chance I get) and watching the same old programmes, reading the same old complaints by people who don't know the half of what a tough time can be. It's not a surprise that I have some days where I sit there and think to myself "why bother anymore?" and those days I just want to do something reckless. Luckily I don't because I remind myself that giving in would be just what the people who hurt me most would want. For me to give up and become yet another statistic.

I am strong on the surface. I keep this barrier up where no one is allowed to see the deepest things that loom under my skin. I don't tell people when I feel vulnerable or scared. Vulnerability and fear are things I fear others seeing. Once they see what can hurt, thats what they can hit you with. I don't open up to anyone without force nor do I allow people to see whats really wrong. I have always been this guarded. I'm afraid of not being so and I know this bothers people, but I am sorry but it is who I am and it's hard to let people in, past the barriers. I only did it once with my first real boyfriend and I ended up getting hurt. It left me feeling so unwanted and as though I was not worth being loved. I vowed that day that I would never allow myself to be so weak and vulnerable again. As a result only a few people are close to me. And they mean the world to me.

My quiet time recently had been faced with something I was not proud of. I've not been eating, losing a lot of weight and just not feeling right in myself. It has taken so much inner strength so that I didn't do drastic things and I had managed not to make yet another attempt. I lay there crying in bed for hours thinking of the people who would be upset had they known what I had been thinking again. I felt angry with myself for being so weak and unable to process what I had been thinking so much that I just wanted out. I was angry because I felt so selfish. I would have given anything at that moment for someone to come and kick me back in to line. Instead I did the kicking for myself, being hard on myself. I then stopped sleeping properly. Not helped by the lack of security caused by a neighbor with some kind of chip on her shoulder and the compulsion to scream and shout at 2-3 AM. It's no wonder my skin is inflamed and my scalp is littered with bald patches, eczema and the worst headache I'd had in years.

I am hoping after speaking to my Psychiatrist on Thursday, there may be some way that I can get some rest and ease my own mind. I am sincerely sorry to anyone this post may upset. That was not my intention, I just need to let off some steam before it destroys me.

Loves
Wendy xx

1 comment:

  1. "I'm strong on the surface
    Not all the way through
    I've never been perfect
    But neither have you"
    - Linkin Park, Leave Out All The Rest

    I know you say you can't tell anyone about how you feel. I physically can't help you because of it, nor do I think I would be able to help as I'm in a bit of a chokehold myself, but I will and I promise this, I will -ALWAYS- do my best to help you.
    You know I would help you as much as I can.
    You've helped me so far. And I'm grateful for that.
    I'm not pressuring you into telling me anything. All I'm saying is that you know where I am when you want to talk. Text, Tweet, phone [as long as it's not while I'm in college] or even, if you wanted to, come down to Reigate.
    I personally think It's best to wait until I see you in Redditch.
    We both need to sit down and talk to each other. We really do.
    I want to help. I really do.

    I love you, my adoptive older sister.

    ReplyDelete

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