It hasn't been the most inspiring beginning to the week, following last Friday, although the weekend itself was wonderful and I really enjoyed myself, and the fact that I am still suffering. Horribly. From the exhaustion, the infection, prednisolone downers and just generally not feeling as well as I would have liked to have been about now. With the loss of Yoda on Sunday, it was still kind of hitting home and it all just seems to have come at a time when I was really hopeless when it came to coping. Had it not been for Tom supporting me and taking care of me, I would have never gotten through it.
But yeah, I guess these things happen and I need to concentrate on the more important things, like how my relationship is just going from strength to strength. We have been together for almost 3 months and its been fantastic. We're taking it nice and slow and it seems to be working much better than my usual approach in taking things too quickly. I have matured over the last year or so in such a way that I think I have learned to build and maintain much healthier relationships, rather than ones where the people in them are more interested in validating themselves and bringing me down to their level. I am better than the people who have hurt me in the past and anyone who wants to screw me over in the future.
I feel much stronger as a person, but there are times when people tell me that I am strong and then I am left not knowing what to say. It isn't that it annoys me or that I am being bigheaded, I just wonder what is so strong about me, I deal with what I have because in all honesty, what choice is there? I mean, when it comes to asthma, I haven't really known anything different as I had it when I was small. OK so it wasn't what I have now, but that was down to a lot of poor choices and bad decisions on a lot of people's parts and for that reason, I just accept it and carry on. No point in lamenting over what happened and what could have been. Thinking about what is, instead of what if. What if will drive everyone up the wall and constantly rehashing the same things and tired stories and grievances will only leave you feeling alienated, because in all honestly who would want to talk to someone whose head is in the past?
It is called the past for a reason and I for one am getting sick of the past being all people can talk about. I can be the worst for it and I know this and it is why I have decided to address this problem, admit my faults and actually move on and learn. Oscar Wilde said it best "Experience is the name we give to our mistakes" and it is so so true. But what makes a mistake worse is if it is rehashed over and over again. I walked away from a lot of people because they were destroying me. But the thing was, they only did it because I let them and the fact that I don't let anyone do that anymore is a testament as to how far I have come in such a small space of time.
I now stand before myself and hold my head high. I stand before you today and I take my freedom and I refuse to let myself get to that low. I will take the lows better than I had been and I will not run and hide just because its easier than facing whats out there.
3 years ago