I had wanted to replace my old phone for a while. I loved it but my old Tocco had long since stopped working properly (probably the result of frenzied throwing it at someone who had really REALLY annoyed me, but that's not the point), Yesterday we took yet another step towards my independence from my last relationship. A new phone and of course a new number. It felt like the right time to replace it now.
My new phone is a rather nice Sony Ericsson Xperia. And unlike most new mobile phones I have had, I haven't had the usual amount of teething problems I used to have. Even when I changed from one Samsung to another there was an element of uncertainty and having to get used to it. Even getting used to that particular touch screen was awkward at first. It used to have a quirk, I would try touching it a few times, heck there were times I was nearly smacking the thing to get it to work properly.
But it was an early smart phone to give it it's due. Although "Smart" was pushing it really. It wasn't very smart at times, but I was able to use Facebook or Twitter so I guess that was something.
Now comes the next few weeks and maybe even another step towards getting my life and independence back. I feel like I am coming out of a box, after years of being held in there with something tied around my waist to stop me from running away, or trying to fight back, as my circumstances felt as though they were closing around me. I felt lost and I was in some ways afraid, the light outside my box hurt my eyes and burned my skin (it took me a while before I was comfortable outside on my own again) and I was afraid of everyone and everything. I became known as "that nervous girl" or "the girl with the scars" by people outside of the house and that made me feel worse about myself.
Soon I was able to make myself go outside, to that scary place that was full of those scary creatures and I was feeling alone and scared. I became this timid and nervous recluse. I know, the girl who was ALWAYS going out and getting ever so delightfully sloshed and having just an awesome time while I'm at it. I wound up trapped and unable to escape, from the way I felt or the person who was making me feel the worst I ever could about pretty much ANYTHING and guilty about things that were so far out of my control. I was hurting from loss, I was hurting from being lonely and I felt trapped or that the only person I could trust was the one that was hurting me the most. I am not saying any of this to be bitchy or dig up anything. To be honest, there is nothing to gain by pestering the ghosts of my past and with hope soon they will die away in to the background and I will no longer feel haunted or followed by any part of the past. I only say what I am saying as a comparrisson to how far I have come, in myself.
Its nice, its been nearly 3 months since my last hospital admission and I haven't missed it at all. I like that now I can manage my asthma with the use of just my nebs and any extra steroids when I need them. OK so I do need to use my nebuliser once or twice a day, but thats better than what it used to be, I was using my neb every few hours just to be able to cope with my breathing for just a little longer. That was my daily life back then. Now its amazing, I can kind of have my life back, and I am grateful for it every day.
I would say now to anyone else who was in a similar situation to me:
Get out! That person isn't the one you need. You need to escape and you need to be the strong person you are to build yourself back up and get your life back. No escape is impossible, but yes it can be hard, yes it can hurt and be a long way up to where you used to be.
3 years ago