Knowing...

I love it when you wake up and you KNOW its going to be a nice day and there are going to be many things that make you want to grin like a drunken Cheshire Cat. I know it's corny but I get that a lot when I am with Tom. Tom is my best friend and the person who I want to spend the rest of my life with. I know it's still early days, but I have this gut feeling that this one is for keeps.

When it comes to boyfriends, I think its a first that I felt that instant connection, you know. Where everything is just...right and there's no behaviours or anything that he does that annoys me or makes me feel unhappy. I guess for the first time in a long time, I have actually felt SAFE enough to let my asthma be itself, not having to hide it on threat of violent outbursts or having it made worse by stress, anxiety or anything else. For the first time in years I have been able to have my good days and my bad days are nowhere near as frightening or unpleasant, not now that I have some real support and care.

On top of that, I have been allocated a personal budget by the local Social Services. This is a grant of £75 a week that will be spent by them on at any care at home, help with cleaning or even just someone to help me make myself a meal on those really horrid days when I can't even muster the strength to get out of bed, let alone stand and cook a pack of instant noodles. It can be that hard and without the right balance of meds, it can be impossible to keep myself going or deal with the level of pain, from my chest itself as well as my slipped disc in my back putting pressure on the tiny curvature and the nerves in my lower body. The nerve pain is probably the most distracting at times because I can lose sensation in parts of my body and on my right leg, can't really feel anything above the knee on either side. The doctor actually showed me this by poking me with a needle as hard as she could in those areas and I didn't flinch or move away.

I knew the results of the tests I had previously before I even had them. My gut instinct has always been instrumental in knowing what a problem is, and then I can be ready to start any treatment, no matter how unpleasant or embarrassing it can be. It does make me feel angry however when I see people pretending or actually feeling jealous of people who are sicker than they are. People who WANT to be disabled make me sick frankly and it is because of them, and people who think that they know it all about something, that make it hard for people who are unsure of how to get help, or just don't have the confidence to get the help or support they need.

Loves
Wendy xx