After this last week, I think I have been really all over the place. I mean, well there was the fear of the riots, the uncertainty of another situation which still isn't getting anywhere near to being resolved and we don't actually know the next step for that particular problem. I guess the attack on Friday night was kind of that last straw really and it was a reminder that the last few years did happen and I now have to pay the price for so many other people making so many mistakes over that period of time, mostly because no one really knew what they could do to help me or their hands were tied because they didn't understand the true extent of the housing problem and what that was doing to my health. Flippant excuses and complacent attitudes. Snap judgements on me and my conditions and people making their own decisions on what was happening rather than actually bothering to find out the real reasons behind it all.
I guess there has been a lot of judgements made on so many people recently and so few of them are made by informed people. It is easy to assume that what may have been true a few years ago has to still be true, regardless of the vast changes in circumstances, medications and my general state of health in the whole sense of the word. Heck, I found out things about my health recently that I had no idea about myself until recently, such as the weakness of my 12th thoracic vertebrae which was caused by what recent scans had shown an old crack in the bone from when I was a kid. How that had gone undetected for so long we don't know, but my specialist informed me that it was quite a common thing, and was probably one of the reasons as to why my osteoporosis is particularly worse in my back. I have had problems with this for a long time and along with the slipped disc, it was good to finally ascertain a definite diagnosis rather than walking around waiting to become unable to do anything because of it.
I think thats been the focal point of the last year or so was to get the correct diagnoses of all the problems and maybe even find out what can be done to sort it. Where as for the most part, people have been supportive and have helped me through a lot of things. Given me support and helping with getting me back on my feet. There has been a small number of people (and you know full well who you are and before you even start Steven this has absolutely NOTHING to do with you) who have made judgements on me and not actually bothered to find out what was really going on, and those people I have lost a lot, if not all of my respect for them. It doesn't help that one or two of these people ought to have known better in the first place, but because of their own self righteousness have been reluctant to look at the situation objectively and have said some hurtful and spiteful things as a result. Not that it was ANY of their business to begin with.
These people I have no time for.
It is worrying that some people can be that petty and make those kinds of judgements, especially when they are mere acquaintances and do not know me as well as they think they do. It would be honest to say that I am not the easiest person to actually know and there are only a few people who really do know me, and not the idealised person or the bogeywoman that they would like to see.
So I have been giving myself some time to process and re-evaluate the relationships in my life and work out who is, and more importantly, who isn't worth a second of my time. Sort of cutting the fat as it were so that I can concentrate on pleasing myself and the people who do matter, rather than being the scapegoat or martyr to other people's selfish motives. I am not that person who needs rescuing anymore. I haven't been for a long time. I refuse to be the victim of other people and I am stronger than the people (who again, know who they are (and NO Steven this is NOT about you)) could ever be in their lives and when they finally realise this, it will be way too late and by that time they will have no chance in ever sharing anything in my life and that would be their loss.
This week I have realised that I have a lot of strength and courage. I am independent enough to get the help I need when I need it and I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. I have people who do genuinely give 2 shits about me and do genuinely want to help me as best they can. I am thankful to these people and without them supporting me and me supporting them, we wouldn't be the kind of disjointed family that we are and that is what really matters to me.
To those people, go ahead. Say your worst about me, but I will refuse to bend to your will nor will I be broken by the words you are so quick to throw at someone before thinking or realising that in your paranoid little minds the concocted slights you are jumping up and down over are all in your head. I would suggest thinking before accusing people of things unjustly or making decisions on a mere acquaintance that in all honesty you barely know. I have been mulling over what I wanted to say for a couple of weeks now and I have finally decided that my usual tactful approach is no longer deserved by you.
To the rest of the people who read this, I thank you. I thank you for your kind words, your support and listening to me, even when I am in a gripe about something. To know I am at least helping people not feel alone or even entertaining someone means more than you will ever know.
3 years ago