So here I am, back in a suburban area, in a small flat with everything starting to improve. For the most part anyway. I notice my blog has been a bit quiet lately, but then again, I have been very quiet these last few days, barely interested in anything, this is something I know isn't a good thing. I think that when I start talking about things in therapy that have really been getting to me, I tend to focus on the physical tasks and I clam up emotionally. I've been spending my days in a kind of haze of get up, do the same things, nag about the same poorly done chores before resigning myself to doing it all myself, and then I wind up exhausted and feeling physically tired, but emotionally, kind of numb.
Maybe it is the fact that I have been forced to accept that nothing has really changed in my life from one home to the other. I am still sick. Steve still complains about being asked to do ANYTHING around here. I am still feeling empty and far away from who I used to be. I miss my old confidence more than anything I think and I can't learn to like the person looking back at me in the mirror. The tired, dead eyes and the beaten down expression. I should have been happy about a lot of things but I was never allowed to actually enjoy anything. I can't seem to explain how I feel even to myself some days.
I read on the internet a lot of things, but just lately, I have noticed, along with a few others who shall remain nameless, the number of people who are complaining about how "hard" they have it and how they WANT certain medications. Why? What purpose could that really have served them at all? I mean, why do these people actually ENJOY being on medication and dread being told that there is nothing wrong. For me that would be a blessing. It really would. There are so many people out there who will tell me that I "Don't look sick" or that they "are in so much worse health" and yet they're not the ones who have been feeling exhausted, having to use a nebuliser or having to take cocktails of tablets. If anyone wants this for a life, honestly, they can have it and I can go back to being a normal 23 year old with normal problems.
Sorry about the ranting, but just lately I feel like I had to bottle so much up. I just didn't want to upset people by actually allowing them to see how I feel so I paint on a smile and pretend that everything is OK. I have been so quiet because I knew I would wind up pouring out a huge emotional tirade and then wind up deleting it anyway so that no one could see that I was actually feeling pretty upset, frustrated and angry this week.
3 years ago