Have you ever had one of those weeks where all you want to do is find a cave, somewhere remote and just weather the storm? I feel like this after every admission, especially ones that were pretty horrible. Every little noise is making me jump and I just can't sit still, and I don't know why. I should be happy to have the chance to stay in bed all day and sleep, but I am going absolutely spare and getting more and more frustrated by the waste of potential that is all around us. Young people who idly sit waiting for everything to come to them when they are perfectly capable of doing it themselves.
I am annoyed by all of this, as a party I was really looking forward to, I couldn't go because I am just not well enough for it. I feel awful as I love JP like a little brother and really wanted to have some fun on his Birthday, but I have a trick up my sleeve... Can't say exactly what, but I know he will love it.
I think I now want to just work through the recovery process, but it is really hard as even the smallest of things leave you shattered and you can't just dive in at the deep end. I am trying. Believe me I am. It is just so difficult getting back in to routine when you have been sick and with the Magnesium finally working its way out of my system, I am feeling a bit deflated as I expected a bit more of a permanence for it... I know that sounds silly. With Asthma there is no permanent fix. I know this. But I really REALLY can't accept it easily. It is almost like I am asking myself "Is this it?" and "At 23, am I doomed to a life of pills, inhalers and nebs, becoming all the more dependent on all the more medical equipment?"
I think, like most people who are in this boat, all I want really is a normal life. Or what would look a bit more normal and not like an episode of Casualty or Holby City... I never want a near miss with ITU ever again, it hit me today that they were preparing to put me in a coma, just to keep me alive and that REALLY scares the life out of me...
3 years ago