Its amazing the effect of having a good day, fabulous friends and just giving myself a little breathing space to recoup some energy and do what I want to do, rather than what everyone else wants me to do. Maybe all I need sometimes is just feel how I feel for a while rather than sweeping everything under the rug, as my mother would have taught me to do.I woke up this morning to JP being here in need of help, which was given as always, I would never begrudge a friend the help they deserve. He needed a working phone (i.e. a landline) to get in touch with his uncle to help him get to college. We sat for a bit chatting (well he sat, I kind of lay half curled up in bed) and sorted everything out.
Steve went out and after JP left, I set about trying to sort out a few other things. Getting my meds from the hospital (we left my pouch there by accident, but we have it back now), arranging that to be picked up. Then I set about getting in touch with Ant, he asked me to give him a bell when I got back last night, unfortunately at around half past midnight, all we were really interested in was getting some kind of sleep. After all the crying I did, my head was thumping and I was just fueling the fire and inflammation and making myself feel so much worse about things.
I do feel better though now. I feel as though the air has been cleared to some extent and Steve finally got to air how he was feeling and just get it all back in sync again. Turned out that he was wrong footed by the fact that even though he was put on medication as well, there was a part of him that kind of wanted me to become carer again, but we finally managed to work that out and work out whats best for both of us. Sometimes a bit of space can work wonders and can allow all parties to either burn it out, or cry it out, or just rant it out a bit to a third party.
My 3rd party today was Ant, hes such a good guy who I am very close with, he came round, made me tea and sat teaching me how to use my new (and his old) Ipod. He was great, helping me and I managed to get some rest. Just as he was leaving, Steve returned, my pouch in his bag. We have been generally happier today and more able to be around each other and me, well I felt better just to have some space to get my head together.
So after a day which was a little less intense, I am now feeling better and more ready to fight, OK so things aren't ever going to be the way they were, and I can't keep wishing for that and setting myself up for the fall when it all goes wrong, but what I can do is enjoy what I have now, and the way things can be, rather than what I wish they could be.
3 years ago