I can't believe how much has changed in the last few weeks, its gone from being unbearably cold to nice balmy early summer days where we can have the guinea pigs out in the garden (seriously who needs a lawnmower when you have these things) and we've been having our windows wide open to let in the fresh sweet air. We also have been enjoying our wanders around (well Becky on foot and me on my ever willing servant "Scoots") and spending time just enjoying the days while we can.
It's nice to think that just over a year ago, Becky came to live here and if anything we have come closer (people actually think we are related rather than being just 2 really close friends) and its been nice to live with someone who I wasn't dating or involved with in any other way. Usually I live with boyfriends, but this has been a different experience and I am happy to say it works for us. We allow each other to really blossom and because of Becky, I have really come out of my shy little shell again. Its weird to be out of my shell like this, usually I am so timid and shy that I hide away from everyone and refuse to look up. It was one of the reasons that I was becoming well known for my nervous demenour and not really a lot much else. I'm glad that the "nervous girl" is now becoming well known for a friendly and approachable personality and I'm networking better too.
I wish I could say that the warmer weather has yielded better control of my asthma. Its been really up in the air again recently and we are still at a loss as to why that is. I'm doing what I can to treat it day to day symptomatically but despite everything I'm already doing, there really isn't much of a margin of error or "wriggle room" and that in itself can make you feel as though you're under a lot of pressure to make the right call at the right time and sometimes that stress itself can make things worse. I hate that feeling after making what I thought at the time was a good choice was actually a really stupid one. The worst thing I tend to do is keep trying to cope at home by myself when I know full well that things are well out of my hands and there is no amount of nebs, pred or sleep that can fix this up. Sometimes you need to get everything checked to make sure that there isn't much else going on, even if it is a stressful experience or one where you feel completely vulnerable.
I wonder sometimes if had I not been at the point I had been in the past, would I have still ended up in the situation I am in now. I needed to be stronger back then and in a way, this is kind of shown me as to why I should have stood up a lot sooner and said "No more" to the people who were causing all of this. Hindsight being a wonderful thing and all, but not a practical application as we are never able to truly predict the future. Its neither a punishment nor a gift but a consequence of something that was out of my hands then and has left the future in a similarly uncertain state. I'm coping better now than I was because I'm gradually understanding more about rolling with the punches and going with the flow. Some days are better than others and I had to accept that and in a way, it was like accepting myself again, before I could accept others in to the crazy and sometimes terrifying mess that is my silly life and I had to learn to accept their love, friendship and support without looking for suspicion or feeling afraid that once they see the reality of my conditions that they would turn around and run from me.
One thing I had to learn in life is that in looking for blame in others to push the blame from me never made things better or easier to accept. Blame is a simple way of saddling others with our own emotions rather than facing them ourselves. It's even easier when you blame someone who can't defend themselves, but it is pure cowardice to do so. I don't rise to certain challenges or provocations because to me, the matter is over and no amount of mudslinging or trying to open it up to throw blame around is going to change anything. The past is over and done with and I for one won't be dragging it up constantly to try and further my own case or vie for sympathy.
I have let it all go.
I'm currently working hard on some ideas for my writing project as well as working on a sewing project that I started about 2 months ago on a trip to see another friend (another trip to see her is on the cards as well) and I have almost half completed it. It has been pretty labour intensive but the work has been more than worth it. I am hoping to have it nearly finished in the next few weeks (a feat that I am determined to achieve) and then I will work on a variant of it. I changed the eyes on the blue haired version to give her my trademark hazel eyes. The other version will have red hair and pale blue eyes, much like Becky. I also need to finish my "Dictionary of Tea" piece as well to go in to the kitchen. I find it helpful to do things that keep my mind occupied as I find that depression will set in and quickly with boredom. And I really don't want that ever again, as interesting as the experience was, I think its kind of a one time thing and I think that revisiting that would be not only an exercise in futility and not something that would benefit anyone.
For now I think my best course of action is to carry on with treating what I can and hopefully things should carry on moving forward and I'll do what I have to when I have to do it.
3 years ago