Well, I am finally moving in the right direction and I feel really good for it. Managing my asthma has proven time and again to be a tricky balance between taking the right meds at the right time, not doing things I shouldn't and caring for my wellbeing in general. My wellbeing can and is sometimes hard to keep on top of, what with the challenge of everything else around me, but I am coping better with that now and I don't feel so afraid of my condition and I don't think of it as a death knell anymore. Because to be honest, the more I dwell on it, the more depressed I became.
I guess my biggest fear in all of this was going back to the stage I was at 2 and a half years ago when I was in hospital once or twice a week because we just couldn't get any kind of control regardless of what we tried and we did all we could as it is tricky to get the hang of and sometimes even then we didn't always get it right. I wasn't helped by the huge deal of stress due to my circumstances and the fact that I was never actually permitted to recover from my attacks after they had subsided. It pushed me to the edge in more ways than I care to imagine or mention but knowing that my strength and courage always shone through and I found my way again thanks to my friends and the adoptive family I found here. Not just through AUK or Facebook but College and other places, it was those people who kept me sane and the ones who were there for me whenever I needed them most.
I think that if ever went back to that situation, I wouldn't want to ride it out again. I would rather stay put than take the momentous step back like that. I mean, the YMCA is alright if you like it there, but I hated it. I hated the paper thin walls, the noise and the general grey of desolation and concrete that surrounded it. It made me feel unfocused and I lost hope in the future and getting a better life, not to mention all the crime and drug use in the place. I don't think I could have survived there for much longer as I was slowly losing my mind and deteriorating physically. So that moment when I walked out of there, with my backpack and keys to this place, I vowed to never cross that threshold ever again. And I never will.
I do love the area around here and this flat is just right for what we use it for. I just don't like how the flat above us is used as a halfway house for people who made their own misery (either through drugs, crime or other things) and use it as a drugs den or a hive of antisocial behavior. I'm hoping the next people up there aren't going to be more of the same, I really am. I mean these are people that threaten and try and intimidate us because I use a nebuliser which (if you have one, you will be well aware) can be very noisy. I don't use it because I want to. I use it because if I didn't then I would be in some serious trouble. I'm not ashamed of my problems and I don't see them as anything that makes me more or less than anyone else.
Well, I hope you are all enjoying the beautiful sunshine out there and making the most of it.
3 years ago