I always tried making sense of life as it is and living it like there may not be a tomorrow to fall back on, no more second chances to do the things that you always want to do and live free and happy. I guess its easier to reflect on things when you face a death sentence or a long term illness. I try to make it so that my illness doesn't feel like a prison, but more a part of my life which I just make do with. Don't get me wrong, I am in no way ready to throw in the towel and give up on life but I am letting myself live with no regrets. No more lamenting on the past.
The past is exactly that. The past.
I know it is the things we experience that shapes us and the way we see the world, but it can also be the biggest and heaviest anchor we can bear. I'm finished with talking about how bad the past was, about some of the things I've been through and focus on the most important part. In every one of the bad times, it all ends the same way, I manage to pull myself out of the downer. I move on with my life and I find my dreams my own way. I really am one of those people who can never be kept down, no matter how much of the immature bullshit or playground politics (seems there are a lot of people who still think they should be in Primary School getting gold stars, but they aren't going to bother me for one simple reason, I refuse to let them) or anything else.
A lot of being a victim is submitting and ALLOWING other people to make us miserable or in control of our lives. Often this comes from people who are so scared of making their own choices and falling in to a comfort zone of letting someone make you feel that way. For too long I allowed people, be them from school, home or anywhere else, to take control of my life and make it miserable, painful and it nearly drove me on several occasions to do things that now I look back on and think "Wow, how unhappy could I really have been?". Most the time it was because I was too scared to stand up and fight back or because somewhere in my mind, I thought that I was a bad person who deserved to be punished. But there is always people out there who are more than willing or able to take advantage of just that and not care at all about what they're doing to others, just so long as their greed is fulfilled.
I'm making a complete effort to move forward in life and I think that if we do get the direct transfer, I will be one step closer to achieving my goals and putting yet more distance between myself and any bad memories that I may have here. I have had some wonderful times in this flat and I love the people around, but there are certain things and people I want to set a clear distance from. A big part of moving on with life is closing the doors, no more thoughts of it, no more regrets and no matter how hard someone tries, never bringing it all back up again. I have nothing to say now about the past, and it is certain that I will never have anything more to say on the whole thing again.
My blog was started back when I was in a dark place and when I look back on the early entries, I really feel a sense of lament and sadness that I allowed myself to get to that stage, but I am so proud of myself for getting back to who I was before all of it. I was looking through some old photos of me, particularly one from when I first moved to live in my own place in Redditch. I was 20 years old and I had embarked on a journey that was going to test me physically, mentally and every other way that one can be tested. Even after losing myself and having to pick myself up and start again, I am actually closer to that girl and its an achievement. Yes my face is probably a little plumper than it was, but trust me, there is a reason why there were no photos of between 22-23 that I would want to show as I really looked atrocious as the pred and Olanzapine had really bloated me and meant that I no longer looked like me. I was actually really sad as I am actually quite proud of my looks (I mean, it's part of being a girl to be proud of that kind of thing and saddened when you go from looking one way to another not so pleasant way) and I think that fueled my depression, so being able to pull that all together again has been a great boost to my confidence.
I would also like to briefly mention how our little baby is doing. In a way, he isn't just Dante and Sparda's baby, his is both Becky's and mine. We think hes going to have his mother's colouring and his father's fur type. I hope that he will have a nice mix of their personalities, although with Sparda, we have to be careful when we handle her as she sometimes doesn't feel like it and will shout at us. It is a shame that his siblings sadly didn't make it, but we are planning for another litter, hopefully now she isn't completely new to the whole thing she will be a lot more prepared and ready. And when Lucky reaches 5 weeks, he will be living in with Daddy and any brothers he subsequently has and Sparda will be with her daughters. The best part of that is that the ones who are born with us will live our their lives as a part of our family.
2 years ago