I wonder. Am I this tired and weak because I held on long after I really should have? I have become adept at compensating and doing everything possible to keep going and keep my airways open. This results in getting closer and closer to collapse. But I hate feeling like I jumped the gun too soon and I worry too much about everyone else and everything else.
I kind of forget how much this knocks of me. I hurt all over and because of the struggling all the muscles in my chest, neck and upper back are strained. I'm so tired that I can't face eating much or get on or off my scooter without feeling wobbly. I think I just sleep because it doesn't take much and it allows me to recover and as days go by I will probably see a change and my strength coming back.
Its not like I have been sat around doing nothing though. I spent the time drawing and its been so stimulating for me. Even if its just been pencil sketches in my favourite style. I'm not going to claim to be as good as Becky but in a way she has encouraged me and pushed me to become a better artist and in some ways a better and happier person.
People ask me about how I feel about being stuck in what is essentially a kind of wheelchair at the age of 25. Do I feel sad or angry at the person who did this to me? No. I don't waste any emotion on that person because I don't want to give them the satisfaction of seeing me falling deeper in to depression. I've gotten this far and its thanks to my friends and boyfriend for never letting me give up, supporting and loving me though everything and facing the next challenges together. Even for putting up with me when I get upset or frustrated about things. So don't feel sorry for me, I'm just thankful to have the gift of so many wonderful people around me.
That is the most important thing to me.