Yesterday was a funny one. I have never really been one to ask for help, nor accept it unless I have no choice but to do so. Then again, I never like to notice whats wrong with me when there are so many other people around me. Its something I have always done. And I have always said it that I am not the first person to get ill, nor shall I ever be the last and I certainly don't have it the worst. That has always been just me and my philosophy really. That and I had vowed that I would push what was wrong with me aside so that Becky could get over her own problems. For no other reason than her needing my help more than I should have needed hers. I know that was foolish of me and it was probably a contributing factor to yesterday and I put myself at great risk. Or maybe I lost sight of perspective and forgot that yes her problem is certainly painful, but mine was more life threatening.
I actually don't remember the exact trigger this time around. All I knew was I was waking up at midday and feeling rather rough. I couldn't breathe in at all and was exhausted. I then got a phone call asking me to come and help as Becky's knee had become troublesome. I had been considering going in and getting this looked at and Becky managed to persuade me to go to A+E myself as she could tell that there was something very wrong. I did have my reservations. For one, I didn't want her to think I was copying her or doing it for attention. Once I had signed in, the Sister came out and called me through right away, put me in to a cubicle and a doctor was called pretty much right away. After 2 doctors, an ABG stab and a cannula being inserted (much to Becky's fascination) the treatment was about to start. This started a long track of back to back nebs, steroids, IV magnesium (I hadn't had it in a while and had forgotten just how crazy it sends me) and IV paracetamol. I got taken to MAU and it was pretty much decided that I was going to stay the night. After taking to the team and persuading them to allow me to go home, I was soon ready and on the bus to the flat.
Its typical of me to not sleep very well after being in hospital, even if it was only for a day. I get used to the sights, sounds and general awkwardness of sleeping in a room of other people, people who I don't know and who don't understand the general anxiety that being in hospital causes me. I was completely unprepared and had nothing more than the clothes on my back and the contents of my handbag (sadly this only contains my iPod, purse, nebs and inhalers). Becky was amazing though. She stayed by my side the whole time (well after the 1st hour because she had to go and get her knee looked at, I won't go in to specifics as it isn't my place) and at one point, we were both lying in the bed together snuggled up and talking. I think I did fall asleep briefly on her as well!
What was weird was that before I went, I was compensating well (or at least I thought I was) and although I was nebbing more than I usually do, I was still pottering around the house as I usually do. I think I did so much of a good job, we were all fooled and no one but me knew just how sick I had become. I think it must have come as a shock to everyone when they found out! So theres an infection in both sides, and a rather big and aggressive asthma attack to recover from. Not to mention the fun of maintaining the flat and ensuring that Becky will be alright. I know she tells me not to worry, but it is in my nature to care for and nurture the sick or injured. I just need to remember that sometimes I should turn that attention to myself once in a while. Rather than trying to sit it out and wait for it to pass. These things never manage to pass on their own, but I think I just want to keep trying, maybe it's a pride thing.
I do know one thing, for the next few days, I am going to take it easy and let myself build up slowly and carefully. Also, if I do get any more problems, I will stick to my promise and go back to A+E.
4 years ago