I have started to keep a written journal again, I think my biggest plan is to get it all published. I want to show people that my life isn't over, just because I have the conditions I do. If anything, being ill has given me the time and space to enjoy my writing and art, it makes me want to produce something worth remembering and worth people enjoying. So sometimes I will walk with Becky, obviously quite slowly, to a place where I can think. I don't want to publicise my secret place of peace (well its not that secret, but it is really out of the way).
It is in this place that I can be found, just sat on the bank of a stream, either watching the flow of the water, throwing pebbles in to the stream as I think of and process another memory. I speak to my departed little ones and listen to my heart for a change and not my head. It helps because I can access things there that were previously locked away when I would write in the old YMCA place. That place drained all spark from me and I was so depressed as I looked out over the balcony at an endless grey. As I sit there with my purple book with white flowers, a pen and my IPod, I write page after page of ramblings about life, and what I have been doing.
As I sat there the other day, I was wondering about something. 2 weeks ago, I had a pelvic and transvaginal ultrasound scan (neither of them are particularly pleasant, but they allowed a good view of what is inside). It took me 2 attempts to get in the room, from nerves and that part of me that just really didn't WANT to know what has been going on. I knew from the age of 16 that I had PCOS and a retroverted uterus and that I would struggle to carry a baby, but I think knowing that there is something really wrong with my reproductive organs is probably something that would make the possibility of being a mother an impossibility was the one thing that could have made me feel worse about myself. I was pondering over it and then asked my guardian spirit what I should do.
As usual he took his time to reply, but he just calmly told me I needed to just go for it. If I wasn't going to face up to it now, when would I? It's alright to be scared, its a lot to take on for most people and for me it was like having to add yet another thing that is wrong with me, but it just seemed so final really and I didn't really feel like hearing once and for all that it was going to be hard to have a child. I haven't had the full results, but yesterday while I was booking an appointment, the receptionist asked if I would like to hear my scan result. She explained that as there has been something found in my scan, I have to book a doctors appointment and will more than likely need a referral to another doctor. I am scared, but I know there has to be something going on or I wouldn't have the pain, lumps or the fact that I haven't had a period since May.
I don't really want to dwell on it right now. To be honest there are more pressing matters right now and if I was to fall apart as a result of all of this, then it would be very selfish and unfair on Becky as she has a lot on her plate right now and she doesn't need me crying about something that can't be helped right now. I would much prefer to focus my energies on something else and just keep going until I know exactly what the problem is and how I can put it right. I am letting Becky in, but in some ways I just want to protect her from what could be happening to me. Until I know, I won't speculate.
2 years ago