Staying Positive...

I am so happy right now and everything just feels OK. I never was one for jumping in with both feet, but its like being free. OK so I am not Asthma free, but I am coping better and my attacks, yes they are bad and they are a daily thing still, but I feel supported and more able to cope now. I am with someone who actually understands me as a person and not just because I am like someone else. I finally feel loved and cherished and that is something I always needed.

I mean yes with Steve there were some good days and there were some good times. But there was a lot of other stuff as well as that and I never felt as though I was a factor in his life, or if I was, his Dad was always the bigger part. I never did like to play 2nd string to anyone's fiddle. I am glad though that we managed to end on good terms, rather than screaming at each other from halfway across Redditch. This is a positive step really and I am finally moving forward rather than staying in a situation that was not even funny, it was just miserable and cruel.

With Mike it was fantastic when it was going well, but we just couldn't keep it together when things got difficult, but when we got together, we were so young. I was only at the tender age of 16 and he was 19 years old. We were a couple of kids really when we got together, but amazingly, we managed to have a 5 year relationship. There are not many kids who can do that. It was a messy end, but again, we managed to keep things civil and pleasant enough and now, hes one of my friends. He is one of the nicest people I have ever met and I am glad to have him in my life.

Tom is my 3rd time Lucky. I always had a system of 3s. Life seems to move that way somehow and its so unique to find someone so kind, caring and compassionate rather than someone who just made me feel horrible about myself. I don't really want to go in to the nitty/gritty of what made the relationship fail as bad as it did but these things unfortunately do happen and we just have to make the most of them when we can and find the light at the end of the tunnel. I just wish that we had found it a lot quicker and it would have spared us both a few months of anger and heartache. I am sorry about that, I really am, but I did my best and we all need to believe that.

Now with Tom, I refuse to make the same mistakes and I really want to take this slowly and easier. I like having someone I can spend an evening with, watch a stupid film and have some nice food, play some games and then curl up happily and fall asleep somewhere safe. I know most people like a period of being single between relationships, but honestly, this is what works for me. I think I finally cut the cord when I am over the relationship itself, I guess then I can move on and I am sure that I did everything I could to try and salvage what relationship I had. Selfish, maybe, but maybe that is just what works for me and saves me acting rashly at random.

Yesterday we finished moving Steve's things out of the flat. That was weird, but I didn't really get too upset about the whole thing. I think by that point, it was just natural to move him out and move on with my life.

Loves
Wendy xx

Getting Final Closure...

When a relationship ends, there are many things that need to be sorted out. Taking people off claims, changing account details and informing the right parties that I no longer live with someone. Last night, I took some time to take down all Steve's personal effects from around the place. That was probably the easiest thing to do as I felt no anger, sadness or anything as I took his books off the shelves and pack away all his models and things. It was weird, we had combined everything so happily and it seemed like we had the perfect life and home. Illusions are great, especially when they are convincing.

Right now, I am spending some time getting my bearings, working out what goes where and how I would like things to be. Its not something I ever thought about if I am honest, I was always just happy to get on with things, being the dutiful girlfriend, but not through choice. I was broken in so many ways, and my self confidence and happiness was gone. I never felt like me anymore and I hated the fact that I always looked somewhat exhausted and listless and waiting for more verbal or physical abuse to be thrown my way. In hindsight, I was a pretty unhappy person and it was no wonder I never smiled or looks like I was enjoying myself.

With Tom, I am a better person. I am myself again and I am not afraid of telling someone when they are being an idiot about things. I am nowhere near as stressed out or snappy and as a result, my asthma is actually being a little easier to work with. Yes I still have episodes of breathlessness and coughing (like today my chest just flared up and refused to calm down for ages) and it will probably just be one of those things I will have to work around, but in myself, I feel so much better and so much happier.

I do owe a lot of this new liberation to my psychologist, he advised me about this and leaving Steve was the best thing for me. I mean he actually helped me realise that it was my fear of rejection and being alone that fueled his control and cruelty as well as making me afraid of leaving him or being alone. I am not afraid now. I have someone very special and my own angel taking care of me and thats something that I will have to get used to. Not that I mind, it is a lovely change.

Getting Steve's name taken off the claims for ESA and Housing Benefit took a little longer than I hoped, but now I have done that, I now know that this isn't just some dream and I'll wake up to another painful and tiring day,

Its all up from here!!

Loves 
Wendy xx

Crisis Averted...

Yeah... The last few days were a bit unusual and very stressful. I mean I am not regretting anything, in fact I am the happiest I have been for a VERY VERY long time. I mean 6 months ago, I think I was realising that me and Steve were going through the motions. Neither of us could have said that this relationship was actually a romantic entanglement or 2 people who were supposed to be together. I think, looking back, it had been over before Christmas and we should have split then. I think though that was how I was able to go in to something else, I had already grieved over the failed relationship and was ready to start again.

Things with Tom are so different. We're just happy to be around each other, even if that is on our computers or me watching my anime. He likes the fact that I am completely independant and am more than happy to entertain myself. It helps him as he knows he can enjoy his friend's company as well as not worry that I may get jealous of him and his friends. Steve would never allow me to have my own friends or interests and would try and muscle in on them. I never felt like I could have my own life or make my own choices, or he would upset me just before I went out so that I wouldn't enjoy it anywhere near as much as I would have normally.

Today, I introduced my new beau to my surrogate mum, Penny. It meant a lot to me that they met and they got on, I really respect her opinions and knowing she approved was one of the nicest things about the whole thing. Steve was still at the flat when I got back this morning. He was STILL sulking and trying to paint me as the bad guy in all of this, but I think he was hoping that he could manipulate me one more time. No way. He is a weak person for even trying it and I could tell he was getting desperate, but at the end of the day, I was more than fair about it all.

I feel safe now, and its the first time in my life that I have felt this way. I know the rug isn't going to get pulled from under me and this run of bad luck feels finally over!!

Loves
Wendy xx

A New Chapter Begins...

I haven't really blogged over the last few days, I guess my reasoning there was that I started a few, tailed off and then forgot and then tried to come back to it. This is something that happens a lot when it comes to me. I tend to get ready to write things then realise that at that moment, I really couldn't face it and then I would click off and do something else, that and I desperately needed a change of scenery and the mise-en-scene of a broken home and crumbling relationship.

I needed to go away and reflect and that allow Steve some time to adjust, and centre himself a bit better. He has had a rough few days and he needed some time to come to terms with the fact that the relationship has ended, I am not ever going to even CONSIDER taking him back and I really think we should have split up a lot sooner than we did. It has been one of the more amicable splits that I have ever had, instead of screaming at each other madly and angrily. I never did like the whole bitchiness that comes with break ups and I have always tried my damndest to make sure that that never ever happened.

I think its amazing though, when we step back from our situation, we finally see it for what it was and how miserable as people we were. We rarely ever talked, apart from having massive arguements where I would be so angry that I would self harm so much, either by punching things or even cutting myself just to feel not as miserable or numb. I locked away all my emotions to the point where I was pretty much a zombie. When we did talk it was always a snipe or a lot of back-biting and screaming at each other. I was sick and being yelled at for being sick. Not that that was ever my fault.

I think now, I am happy and I can look back and say "Yeah, that was shitty and it really should have ended sooner" but they are right in saying that we never learn in life until it is too late. Now, I have just been engaged in a wonderful slagging match over Facebook, and :

Wendy Jayne Bostock

Really missing my babies. :(

4 hours ago via Mobile Web · ·

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    Joshua Phillips Babies?

    2 hours ago ·
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    Steven Tomes the piggies

    53 minutes ago ·
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    Wendy Jayne Bostock yeah :( my little piggles, i miss them so much

    53 minutes ago ·
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    Steven Tomes and they miss you, along with Anima and Yoda they have all been looking for you.

    51 minutes ago ·
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    Wendy Jayne Bostock Awww :( i will see them 2moz

    51 minutes ago ·
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    Steven Tomes I've told them that but will they listen?

    50 minutes ago ·
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    Wendy Jayne Bostock this is Patch, Hope, Kadaj and Gizzy

    50 minutes ago ·
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    Steven Tomes We've all been feeling a little low at the moment.

    48 minutes ago ·
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    Wendy Jayne Bostock yeah, its never an easy process,

    47 minutes ago ·
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    Steven Tomes I know, and no matter how much I try coming to terms with it is just not happening, I cant hel but see this place as my home.

    38 minutes ago ·
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    Wendy Jayne Bostock i know, i think when you finally leave there, you'll be able to change that

    37 minutes ago ·
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    Steven Tomes I'm not so sure.

    36 minutes ago ·
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    Wendy Jayne Bostock Although it is a place full of my things and to my tastes, you said often that you never saw it as home and that you hated being there, I just dont know what more I can do

    36 minutes ago ·
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    Steven Tomes yes and I'll be going to another persons home filled with their things and decorated to their tastes, and I'll hate having to be there because I have nowhere else to go for an undetermined time.

    31 minutes ago ·
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    Wendy Jayne Bostock what do you want me to say steve>

    31 minutes ago ·
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    Wendy Jayne Bostock I can't wave a magic wand over all of this. I can't make it all better and continue in a farcical shell of a relationship where no one was happy, my confidence and self worth was shot and I was getting to the point of doing something stupid because i was just that unhappy and i never felt like there was a way out

    29 minutes ago ·
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    Wendy Jayne Bostock We were miserable, i never smiled. I was always the bad guy and you cant make me feel like that anymore, you dont have the right to dictate to me how you dont want to leave the flat because you felt like it was home when it suited you. whenever you were in a mard, it was like you were there through force

    27 minutes ago ·
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    Steven Tomes that isn't the reason I've been upset I knew the relationship was dead back when we were living in the YMCA, I knew that the best option was that one of us stay there while the other one moves on I tried to tell you this on several occasions but you reused to listen so when I tried to break it off in the week we were tenants in both places you made me give you the keys and key cards

    20 minutes ago ·
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    Wendy Jayne Bostock then you should have stood firm and walked

    19 minutes ago ·
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    Steven Tomes Everything since we moved here was just an act.

    19 minutes ago ·
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    Wendy Jayne Bostock on both counts

    19 minutes ago ·
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    Wendy Jayne Bostock you want to get bitchy steve, i have been MORE than fair about all of this,

    18 minutes ago ·
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    Steven Tomes I tried to walk but you wanted to "sort things out", and yes you have been more than fair but you have to admit you were fighting for a doomed cause.

    16 minutes ago ·
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    Wendy Jayne Bostock too right i did. i fought for doomed cause because at the time, i hoped beyond hope we could have made this work. i regretted it every day since the move, heck i regretted it when i tried to throw you out and the crocodile tears started

    15 minutes ago ·
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    Steven Tomes they weren't all crocodile tears.

    14 minutes ago ·
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    Wendy Jayne Bostock no, just when it kept the roof over your head

    14 minutes ago ·
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    Steven Tomes that was only the once, but I'll not go into that further.

    11 minutes ago ·

    Wendy Jayne Bostock

    there really is not enough i'm sorrys in you. you spent the last 2 years breaking me physically, mentally and every other way it suited you, yet here you are on the internet trying to make me look like the bad guy in all of this. I wont let you do that now, you knew you were on thin ice. You knew you would have eventually killed me. and you know that by doing this, you are not showing me up as I am handling this really maturely and appropriately, you are showing everyone who reads this just how spineless and pathetic you really are and how much it has hurt your pride because I kicked you out and made the decisions in a place where I paid the bills, I DID THE DECORATING and making the place habitable while you sat there and whined the whole time like a little boy who lost his favorite toy. Now I am sorry it has come to this, but at the end of the day, if you really want to know how low I think you are, well congrats to you. you have found out

    8 minutes ago ·

    Wendy Jayne Bostock You turned my strength in to my weakness. You made me feel so worthless and vulnerable every single day so I stopped being me. What you really did was show the world and yourself just how much of a weak and pitiful individual you really are.6 minutes ago ·

     

     

    Now I am not one for this kind of thing, but when you deliberately try and get up my nose, I will get nasty

    
    

    Loves

    Wendy xx

Bad Days...

Yep, even I get them. Yesterday was just a bad BAD day and I felt deflated and shattered. Not suprising when I found out exactly what had caused this lovely Pneumonia which has been tearing through my lungs. The problem is yet again Steve dropping the ball when it comes to the cleaning and housework. I know he doesn't value it the way I do, but surely he should at least make the effort when he knows that someone he cares for is very prone to infection and will get sick at the drop of a hat?

Maybe I am asking too much? Please tell me if I am, but I only ask that he wipes the sides down when he's used them, cleans the kitchen floor and cleans and changes the bowl we use for the teaspoons every day? No water should be left for longer than 6 hours as it becomes stagnant and in this case growing mold. Yes MOLD. Just what someone with COPD or severe asthma really doesn't need to be dealing with, but there you go. Complacency and sheer laziness strikes again. And I am really getting sick of being dragged across the coals and made to suffer unnecessarily, just so he can sit around and play tower defense games or whatever he does on his computer.

Yesterday, I spent most of the day (between nebs and wheezing) cleaning the place down and really aggressively tackling the mold in the kitchen. I was absolutely shattered, unable to eat from just being so exhausted and ill and my antibiotics tearing their way through my already delicate system. I spent most of the evening dealing with a stomach upset from hell, which involved cramping and I was actually screaming in pain every time I went to the loo. This happens everytime I am on Clarithromycin, which is the best antibiotic for my infections as they respond well and quickly. Unfortunately that does come at a heck of a cost and it gets more unpleasant every time I have them.

Now all this is preventable and I just wish someone would get through to Steve that this is preventable, I recover a little worse each time and my lungs won't put up with too much more of this and I could be put in such a position that I could end up on the slab, rather than going out there and getting everything I want to get done done.

Loves
Wendy xx

To Thine Own Self...

It's taken a while before I could face it, but today I managed to actually look at myself in the mirror and like who I saw looking back at me. I've always been a bit self conscious and shy around people and ashamed of how I looked or what was hidden under the clothes that were SEVERAL sizes too big. I think it was a comment from JP last week that really hit home when I lifted my top and he saw how much weight I had lost.

Personally, I didn't even realise that I had lost any and when he said it, I didn't expect it to hit home the way it did. Although it is a positive thing and it really is a step in the right direction, it just took me back slightly. Well, I decided to have a good look at things properly and measured myself. My waist is 30 inches, my hips are 38 inches and by bust is 36 inches. I am about a size 10-12 and weigh about 11 stone, which for someone at 5 foot 6 inches leaves me with a BMI of 24. Which is normal and healthy and my waist measurement is more than normal as well. If it weren't for excess skin from when I was bigger and heavier then I would probably look a lot nicer in tight fitted clothes.

But for now, I am really proud of who I am and how I look. I am proud of my long arms and legs and short torso, my piercings and tattoos. My long pink hair and my brilliant hazel eyes which change colour depending on my moods and how I feel in myself. I am overcoming my emotional issues and getting back to that person who I was, enjoying my music and my art. Yes, physically my body doesn't work how it should, but I was always able to see the bright side and even when I have just been in hospital, I like to at least keep my morale up.

Today's trip in was only a brief one, but they originally wanted to keep me in. There really was no point, I had had my meds, I responded and now I am happily back home and ready to face another day.

Loves
Wendy xx

Knackering Weekend.

Its been a busy and rough weekend, but it really has been a fun one. We had a fabulous time at the small party we threw on Friday night. With the wonderful guests, the funny jokes and Sean and JP's hilarious songs we had such a good time, even our newest pet has taken to us all. Lightning is a young Fancy Rat. She is grey and white and has such a lovely face and a sweet personality. We managed last night to have her come out and clamber over both of us. She is so friendly!!

Yesterday was the anticlimax of the party where you have to clean the house afterwards. OK so it wasn't the same sort of party that we used to have back at Cat's. The amount of times I must have thrown up and made a mess of the place back then was more than I would care to admit to, but we all do strange things. I spent the day cleaning the carpets, the upholstery and washing all the blankets in the living room. It took a while but everything came up 1 or 2 shades lighter so that was always a plus. The amount of dust, hair and other muck that came out of the living room and hall carpets was more than I was expecting I will admit.

Today was more of a day of finishing the cleaning and relaxing. My asthma decided it wanted to flare up and I became wheezy, then cold, then clammy and the whole routine of an asthma attack began and before I even realised it, I was in the throes. I hate when that happens. No warning before it hits and I get put on my backside. I just did what I needed to and felt better. Albeit a bit tired and aching all over. I coughed violently and a spot of blood appeared in the tissue, so I think inside my lungs is a bit raw. I took my pred down to 15mg today which probably wasn't helpful, but I really REALLY want to get back to 5mg again and stay there comfortably, heck, if I could I would come off completely. The problem with Pred is, your body almost decides that it doesn't want to be without it. I personally could leave them for the rest of my life, but we will see what happens there I think.

Loves
Wendy xx

Shopping Day...

Every 2 weeks, we go shopping and yesterday was a little more fun than usual. Usually, I wind up getting wound up and having to deal with Steve's constant "I want" or "look at this, buy this" routine. I admit it is much easier to do when you have back up, and I was assertive. I held my ground and said no. I brought things we needed, some supplements which will help my back and other joints and managed to get everything sorted. It was fun going with Penny and for once I didn't get close to losing my temper.

It's not that I hate shopping, its just that I hate the feeling of pressure and duress that you feel in the supermarket. I have no idea what it is, but the anxiety can really get to me, then when I say "no" then I feel flooded with guilt and have self-harm urges. I guess then I will have to learn not to allow anyone to make me feel bad about anything.

Todayn I spent the day tidying the flat up and cleaning down my latest acquisition. A Yamaha Electone FC-20 Electronic Organ. An unusual item and one that probably will keep me amused for a good while, it was big and heavy to move and its taken a while to work out what does what but it's been fun, and a little funny.

Local kids always make me laugh, but today, I think I really shocked the little girl next door because I was using my nebuliser, while sitting on the sofa with the door open for some fresh air. She was just watching the nebuliser, probably as she had never seen it before or what it does. How do you explain to a 5 year old how that works or why its needed. It was hard enough to explain why there was an ambulance here last week. I felt bad for her really as she is so young and doesn't really understand what is going on or why the lady next door is so poorly.

Loves
Wendy xx

Breathlessness and Exhaustion...

I think after a massive attack like the one I had this week, it is only understandable that I am feeling a bit deflated and, I have to say, really a bit down about the whole thing. I mean, I know it wasn't really my own doing and was probably just one of "Those" things. I just feel a bit pants this morning and I can't work out what is actually wrong.

I woke up at 6, which is something I don't often do so that in itself didn't really help me or my mood much. I just woke up and struggled for a while to settle back down to sleep. I had only had something daft. I felt a bit low until about half 8 when I decided a lie down would be a good idea. I woke up again about half 10 so I must have done something right. As daft as that sounds. I think I would have been feeling less grumpy if I hadn't been up and down throughout the night, or my lungs deciding that even though I wasn't that unwell, it felt as though something was sitting on my chest and flattened me.

I am eternally grateful, I must say for the lovely people at Worcestershire County Council's PDSS (Physical Disability Support Group) and the Lifeline operators. In particular the wonderful lady who answered our call on Saturday and quickly saw that I was given the help and care I needed in a prompt manner. When my SPo2 began to really drop in to the 80% area, I was really starting to feel it, I just felt as though I wanted to fall asleep and my head was hurting, my sides were as though I was being torn apart by a buzz-saw. I barely had the strength to cry out in pain.

I never want that feeling ever again, but I do feel better knowing someone has my back.

Loves
Wendy xx

Result of the Investigation...

I started an investigation with West Midlands Ambulance regarding an incident with a female paramedic who hadn't provided me with an appropriate level of care when she dealt with me. Something that was a recurring factor with this particular medic. I am happy now that this incident has been resolved in a way that I am happy with it and she will be retrained on how Brittle Asthma ought to have been managed, and I haven't seen her around since so that could be a good thing for now.

As for my chest, it is not in the best of moods with me at the moment and I honestly don't blame it. After Steve's usual strop post hospital and his general attitude over the last few days, me blowing up about the whole thing because I just get so sick of him treating me like that when he feels a little pissy. I tend to leave him to it and he gets over it, but it has been like living with my abusive older brother again. Then he had the cheek to accuse me of having him over a barrel over a load of MATERIAL things which I paid for and he shouldn't have even gotten in the first place! Needless to say, he was put right and I explained that I had only agreed to LOAN him my spare mobile, he was BUYING the netbook off me, and the MP3 player was something he only got because of the duress he put me under at the times. All of a sudden he became a bit more humble and was able to look at the whole thing a bit more objectively. Funny that.

Well all that is behind me now and I am going to be standing a lot firmer and more assertive about things, people and I won't be played for a sucker again. I know to someone who only sees himself as his dad's abuser, someone standing up to him should be an interesting change of pace.

Loves
Wendy xx

First Hospital Run in The New Place...

Well it had been about 6 weeks or something daft like that (last one was 16/3 so it was nearly 2 months or something like that), either way, I had my first Hospital Run in a while and the first ever time for the new place and the new piggy saw his first paramedics. It makes me wonder, why is it when I have not had one for ages, everyone is really nice, yet when its happening every week (it has been that bad over the winter and before the Phyllocontin was introduced) you get the really mean paramedics or the nurses who could care less about what they're doing, but they would have to be sedated.

Aside from complacancy about pain relief (I understand there was an RTA, but even the doctor was annoyed that I was left in so much pain and still struggling for 3 hours, I actually thought I had beat this thing but I wasn't out of the woods by any means), the doctor really worked at making me well, comfortable and less stressed from pain and fear (I was scared that they would never get around to seeing me) and then I was allowed home to go and rest and recoup. This attack was so fierce that it took 40mg pred, 8 nebs (most of which were on oxygen), supplementary oxygen for at least an hour or 2, and painkillers to make everything a bit more comfortable. When the first paramedic arrived, my SPo2 was 80%, at first we wondered if it was my pulse oximeter but theirs said exactly the same thing. As for investments, I think my little device is a good one. Luckily the paramedics managed to make me stable enough to go in.

Today, I just feel groggy and tired, got a cough so need to get my chest comfortable, keep peak flow up past 200, SATs over 90% and if not its back in I go. And I really don't fancy it, even if the Lifeline people were fantastic, even calling up this morning to check I was OK, I was sleeping so Steve managed the call and I crawled out about 11 ish.

Loves
Wendy xx

Ow, my Back is NOT a Slinky!!!

Ever since I was a kid, I always suffered pain in my back, well after one particular event which was probably the cause of all of this. My brothers were wrestling fanatics. My eldest brother was particularly fond of Razor Ramon. He had a finishing move called the Razor's Edge, and Richard loved to show off to his friends. Having a little sister and for some reason a bright idea of performing this move on me, well it ended badly. I was flung on to a solid wooden base of a bed. When it hit, I heard a sickening crunch and I was left in so much pain and winded. I was carried (foolishly) downstairs by my Dad. Nothing was ever done, and I was accused of faking it. I really wish I had been, because I was in so much pain and my back was black with bruising.

It's funny really how such a seemingly innocent accident that happened when I was a child, my back is persistently painful, stiff and I tend to lean to one side. It means that these days, I walk with either a very obvious limp and cannot walk very far without a crutch to support me. Else I wind up being in so much pain, I can barely function. This, on top of my asthma, brittle bones and various other things, it really adds up to something that could be seen as grim. Yet, I really don't look at it that way. I try and stay positive and see the good side of things.

Today, Penny took us to Twyford Country Centre in Evesham. It was such a lovely day out and it was nice to look at the garden centre, walk around the shops, play with the try-me toys (Yes... it is fun, so what?) and seeing all the lovely animals in the Ark. Including the gentlest Shetland Ponies. Such sweet animals who were happy for us to go right up and stroke them and give them some affection. The meerkats were a sight as well! Curious little fellas who really couldn't stop watching us! It makes me thankful for the wonderful work of the RSPCA and other agencies and people who care for, rescue and generally help animals have good, long and happy lives. A guinea pig on a tortoise was a particularly funny sight!

Tomorrow, JP and Natt should be visiting so that will be a good laugh. The two of them are such wonderful people and I can't wait to see them and help JP with his project.

Loves
Wendy xx