When a relationship ends, there are many things that need to be sorted out. Taking people off claims, changing account details and informing the right parties that I no longer live with someone. Last night, I took some time to take down all Steve's personal effects from around the place. That was probably the easiest thing to do as I felt no anger, sadness or anything as I took his books off the shelves and pack away all his models and things. It was weird, we had combined everything so happily and it seemed like we had the perfect life and home. Illusions are great, especially when they are convincing.
Right now, I am spending some time getting my bearings, working out what goes where and how I would like things to be. Its not something I ever thought about if I am honest, I was always just happy to get on with things, being the dutiful girlfriend, but not through choice. I was broken in so many ways, and my self confidence and happiness was gone. I never felt like me anymore and I hated the fact that I always looked somewhat exhausted and listless and waiting for more verbal or physical abuse to be thrown my way. In hindsight, I was a pretty unhappy person and it was no wonder I never smiled or looks like I was enjoying myself.
With Tom, I am a better person. I am myself again and I am not afraid of telling someone when they are being an idiot about things. I am nowhere near as stressed out or snappy and as a result, my asthma is actually being a little easier to work with. Yes I still have episodes of breathlessness and coughing (like today my chest just flared up and refused to calm down for ages) and it will probably just be one of those things I will have to work around, but in myself, I feel so much better and so much happier.
I do owe a lot of this new liberation to my psychologist, he advised me about this and leaving Steve was the best thing for me. I mean he actually helped me realise that it was my fear of rejection and being alone that fueled his control and cruelty as well as making me afraid of leaving him or being alone. I am not afraid now. I have someone very special and my own angel taking care of me and thats something that I will have to get used to. Not that I mind, it is a lovely change.
Getting Steve's name taken off the claims for ESA and Housing Benefit took a little longer than I hoped, but now I have done that, I now know that this isn't just some dream and I'll wake up to another painful and tiring day,
Its all up from here!!
2 years ago