We don't have to always act so brave.
I am so guilty of putting on a facade that I am well and not suffering so when I do finally allow myself to be vulnerable, I start to realise a few things. Most important, the wonderful friends who have helped me through so much over the last few years. The friends who are just like real blood relatives, in particular, Becky and Josh. Becky and I have such a special bond and we both totally get where the other is coming from which is refreshing at times, considering she needs someone to listen and understand and me, I sometimes just need to talk.
No matter how bleak it can seem, I am always so happy to take my laptop up and see whose emailed me or the shining red box that says that someone has seen my new pictures or read my latest ramblings. My blog has allowed me to open up and thats meant a lot. Yes it is weird that one who cannot admit her innermost feelings can write lengthy and interesting blogs about just that. Innermost feelings and emotions.
Recently I have been drawing and painting to show how I feel. Certain themes seem to come to mind and I sketch seductive male forms and young male ninja. People who know what it's like to have to pretend that everythings fine or that they only have one objective, their mission. I empathise with those characters sometimes and weirdly I understand the burden of pretending not to feel so that people don't see the weaknesses within.
3 years ago