Over the last few weeks there has been so much improvement in me, heck I'd say that since May, I have slowly dragged myself (with help from some very special people) up from this miserable, reclusive and lonely person who was living between mental breakdowns and severe asthma attacks to what I am now. I am me. I am beautiful because I am myself and I make my own choices and do my own thing.
My confidence has been soaring lately as I think about what I can do, rather than what I can't. It really is a better way of thinking and as a result you do walk taller and have more of a genuine smile on your face. I have joined an online community to show off my work and skills. I've been uploading many of my fantastic drawings and really began noticing that this is really a skill that I can be proud of. I see my art as a therapy. I draw and paint on my walls as an expression of raw emotion and a display of my humanity. To display my work is to show the world that behind the illness and between the bad days, there is something pure, beautiful and vibrant there. There is hope. Even when it seems empty and like there really isn't much point anymore.
A friend taught me that before she passed away this year. Rachy's legacy will live on and continue to inspire people to sign up to the donor list, but she also inspired us to live our lives and do everything we want to do so as to have no regrets. She did so much despite being gravely ill and she never let anything get to her. She is a real heroine in my eyes and I am proud to have known and talked to her.
This spurt of confidence has come after a rough few years and a few years where I was broken down multiple times and rebuilt in to something I never wanted to be, by someone who was convinced that HE was the victim. I see that things will never change and I refuse to be a part of that anymore. I will never forgive that person, nor will I ever EVER want anything to do with them, as far as I am concerned, they are merely shadows of a past that I am learning from and have moved on. And they should stop picking at the carcass and do the same, lest that person ends up like his father, embittered, fat and lazy, blaming everyone else for their transgressions because it was easier than admitting to the truth.
My confidence has grown and I have as well, I am older and wiser. I am not afraid of leaving my house or constantly asking for anyone else's permission to do whatever I would like. No. I do what I want, WHEN I want and HOW I want. With help from Tom and Penny, I have managed to sort out my personal finances, all bills go out on time now and everything gets paid when it needs to be. I no longer sell things to make ends meet anymore and myself and my pets live comfortably in our home. The peace and harmony means that everything is calmer and arguments are never part of the soundtrack here. Instead that is replaced by laughter and mirth. Joy and a feel of warmth that you only get in good company.
I was saddened in October when my X Box decided to RROD on me. But I did kind of expect it after all it was old and the drawer wouldn't open anymore if there was nothing in there. The good part of that though was it gave me an incentive to upgrade my X Box and my TV to something a bit more modern and a LOT more me. I had wanted a HDTV for a long time but it had been all but a faint dream until my DLA was started and I began making improvements to my home. My new TV is decidedly smaller than the old one, but the picture quality at 1080p is frankly drool worthy! You notice little bits of mise-en-scene in games which you probably wouldn't have seen in Standard Def.
My new X Box is one of the new, slim ones. With a much larger HDD (the old one was a present for a friend) and the coolest gadget I've seen in a while, Kinect, I think I got the best upgrade possible and for the best value, as it was a package especially for Christmas with Kinect Adventures and Kung Fu Panda 2, 3 months free LIVE gold and a few other odds and sods make it all the more enjoyable.
My sofa has also been replaced. Before I had this cream coloured Sofabed thing that I got for free, it was only supposed to be a short term thing and I managed to upgrade to a stylish silver and black futon, perfect for the cold evenings in where theres really nothing more enjoyable than grabbing a plushie or 2, a blanket and snuggling down with some anime or a game!!
My next step is to get a better carpet for the lounge and maybe re-do the bedroom flooring, but that can wait until next spring when its warmer outside, but I will be replacing the living room blind and putting a blind up in the kitchen so that nosey neighbors and other people walking past can't start peering in at me!!
3 years ago